


Memory Jar

by Rona23



Series: Merlin´s  magic [29]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Amnesia, Arthur Finds Out About Merlin’s Magic (Merlin), Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic (Merlin), BAMF Merlin (Merlin), Evil Merlin (Merlin), F/M, Gen, Good Morgana (Merlin), Gwen and Lance are married, Hurt Merlin (Merlin), M/M, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Memory Charms, Memory Loss, Memory Magic, Merlin's Magic Revealed (Merlin), POV Arthur, POV Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Protective Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Protective Merlin, Self-Sacrifice, Slow Burn, Soul Bond, Temporary Amnesia, Uther Finds Out About Merlin's Magic (Merlin), Who is Arthur Pendragon, evil sorcerer, except not really, neutral mordred, uther pendragon is dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:49:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 68,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24160855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rona23/pseuds/Rona23
Summary: Uther Pendragon is dead.The sorcerer succeeded. And now a new king rules over Camelot and fights wars with the neighboring kingdoms.At his side, his loyal puppet the Shadow. Or as others like to call him: Emrys.The only one who can stop them is Prince Arthur Pendragon.The problem is: Nobody remembers who that is. Not even Arthur himself.
Relationships: Agravaine & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Agravaine & Merlin (Merlin), Arthur Pendragon & Uther Pendragon (Merlin), Gwaine & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Gwaine & Gwen (Merlin), Gwaine & Lancelot (Merlin), Gwaine & Merlin (Merlin), Gwen & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Gwen/Lancelot (Merlin), Lancelot & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin & Mordred (Merlin), Merlin & Uther Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon, Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Mordred & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Merlin´s  magic [29]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1588378
Comments: 140
Kudos: 238





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This one is going to be fun O.O

„Rise and Shine.“  
Arthur stirred in his sleep. The voice was familiar. Like it had woken him for years. So familiar in fact, for a second he thought someone was actually here to wake him up.  
Only for a second though. Because this has happened every morning for at least a year.  
Arthur wasn't sure why. Or who this voice belonged to. But it was there.  
Burned into his memory.  
He sighed - as indeed - the sun shone through the window directly at him. How nice would it be, if he could just keep on sleeping. 

But Arthur had work to do. He couldn't just lay low until the day had passed half way. He needed to get up. The fields didn't plow themselves. 

Slowly, and frustrated for having to leave his poor excuse of a bed, he stood up.  
He washed his face with the water of the bowl he had filled up the previous evening and made himself some quick breakfast. 

Arthur's room was small. Wooden furniture. A bed made of straw and hey that he had to renew whenever he had the chance, so it wouldn't start reeking foul and musk and attract too many bugs.  
A window, about the size of a big painting illuminated the dust that flew freely through the air. So Arthur opened it and welcomed the cold fresh morning breeze. 

He wore peasant clothes. Some of the few possessions he had. He had some other, more finer wear. Or rather, he used to have them. Moth's had bitten right through them. It also was no use on the fields, where he helped his landlady and friend, Guineviere.  
Her and her husband Lancelot, by the way.

Arthur hadn't lived here for long. Neither had his landlord and lady. They had all moved here about a year ago.  
Before that they had been -  
Arthur shook his head. He still didn't remember. 

He filled up his flask with some water and went downstairs. Gwen and Lancelot were discussing something urgent. As they usually where.  
Arthur frowned. Hadn't that been the wedding planning, usually? Those talks should be over now. They had gotten married two weeks ago.  
It had been a wonderful feast. Arthur wasn't sure he had ever attended a wedding before. But he was certain none of them had ever felt this inviting. This happy and grand and beautiful. 

“Arthur – you're awake!”, Gwen smiled at him.  
She immediately stood up. Sometimes she forgot that Arthur made his breakfast in his room. Or rather, his small apartment. He liked the solemnity of his room. He liked to be alone. Not that he knew why. Maybe he was just used to it.  
Maybe that was a sad thought. 

“Yes, of course.”, Arthur smiled back and ruffled his own hair so it looked even messier than before. Just to make perfectly sure that they knew he was tired. Arthur didn't enjoy talking to people when he was tired. It made him agitated. And tended to ruin his day. 

“Oh good. That's good.”, she said and went to grab him a cup of tea.  
Alright, maybe he could endure the torture of morning talks for that. Arthur loved tea. It was such a simple drink, and yet – it calmed him down.  
He was glad he had his little garden, where he grew leafs they could use for this. 

Arthur had a surprisingly green thumb. He had been surprised himself. But apparently, gardening was his fortune. 

“What were you talking about?”, Arthur asked and winced at himself. He felt like a child, invading their conversation like this. Asking, without knowing anything.  
Then again – they had taken care of him since the day they found him. He didn't know why they did it. He was pretty sure, they didn't either.  
Which is why he was eternally grateful. 

Gwen's smile turned upside down.  
“Nothing – just.”, she sighed as she filled his cup with the steaming liquid. Still tired, Arthur sat down next to Lancelot. Whom he would consider his best friend. If it didn't feel so – out of context. 

“What is it?”, Arthur asked. But looked at Lancelot, who was also the one to answer.  
“Knights of Camelot are on their way through the village.”, he explained.  
Arthur frowned disgusted.  
“Oh fuck.”, he said, burying his face in his hands. 

Frankly speaking, Arthur wasn't exactly fond of the Camelot knights. Or knights in general. They usually marched through towns and expected special treatment. They expected to be cheered on – to be welcomed in the various houses.  
They never knew how much havoc their travels costed the people.  
The few rations they had were given to the soldiers, just like their money and the few valuable items they possessed. 'Taxes.' They called it. Just a fancy word for stealing, Arthur thought.

It was horrible. They were like bandits but with better claim to their names. 

Arthur thought deep down that he understood their desire to be honorable. To fight for glory. For their people. That – him and Lancelot spoke about often. And they mostly had the same opinion. Who needed the knights when Camelot's shadow fought the wars. 

“They say, the shadow is with them.”

The shadow. Camelot's shadow. Other's knew him by the name of Emrys. The most powerful warlock to ever walk the earth.  
He was dangerous. He followed the kings every wish without a second thought. Rumor says he just needed to stare at you intently before you fall. Your body limp, your life gone before you even hit the ground. 

The king was on a rampage. Fighting wars with as many kingdoms as possible. The Shadow always his first knight. Ready to kill every army, every man who stood in his way.  
People said he had no soul. They said his magic had corrupted him and made him a puppet of the king. 

And Arthur had hoped they would be happy as soon as news came out king Uther had died.  
But the executions hadn't stopped.  
They weren't reserved for sorcerers anymore. But for everyone. Everyone who defied the new king.  
In some ways it was worse than before. Because no, nobody was safe anymore. 

“So I assume, we won't be on the fields today.”, Arthur asked. Almost disappointed.  
He liked the mundane work on the fields. With the plants.  
Where he could watch everyone help their families and friends to do the work they needed to do to survive. 

“No. We all need to barricade our homes.”, Gwen nodded.  
So – standard procedure for the visit from the shadow it was. What a great day. Whom was he kidding. His day was already ruined. 

Arthur still thought it was stupid. The shadow was not an actual shadow. He wouldn't just slip through the cracks in the walls and invade your dreams. He was just a man.  
A sorcerer yes. And one of the few who survived the purge and become powerful with rage and power. And okay, maybe he was the most powerful warlock to ever walk the earth. But that didn't change the fact that he was human. 

Arthur shook his head. How much must that sorcerer have lost to Uther Pendragon, that he ended up murdering him?

Oh yes. That was the one fact Arthur knew for certain. He didn't know why. But that was the one fact he couldn't play off as imagination. Or a rumor that went awry through the weeks they were passed on.  
No. Arthur knew it. He felt it in his heart that this sorcerer had killed the former king.  
The worst part was – he didn't know what he was supposed to think of that.  
It was like his mind was blank for that opinion. 

“Why here? I thought they were still plotting against Mercia?”  
Mercia was a neighboring kingdom to Camelot. But it was on the other side of the map. Invading Mercia from here was bound to be impossible. Or simply a waste of time.

“They are still searching for Uther's son.”, Gwen explained weakly. “I believe the king feels threatened by his very existence. He wants him gone for good.”

Arthur sighed. Oh yes. Uther's son. Who hadn't heard of the tales of the one and famous Arthur Pendragon? Arthur had. He had heard from traders and bandits what kind of person that prince was.  
How some of the knights referred to him as the most honorable knight of them all.  
But Arthur was pretty sure the man must be a coward. And a prat for disappearing right when the kingdom needed him the most.  
When they needed a new king. Instead they got a blood thirsty sorcerer and his lap dog. Who was also a sorcerer.  
Arthur hated the prince. The more he heard of him, the less he liked him.  
And the more he hated the fact that he had chosen his first name as his own for lack of a better one. Because in the beginning, he had thought this Arthur was a great man who would free them all.  
Seems like the idiot had just run off. 

Well – when you loose your memories, you are ready to take everything that his handed to you, just to make your life a little easier. Including the names of a certain cowardly prince.  
You are also ready to take the hand of the next peasant girl and let yourself be lead into a different village. To start a new life as a farmer. And become a gardener at the side.  
And stay with her when she married the other man that had come with. Who wanted to be a knight, but wasn't allowed to due to his heritage. 

Not that Arthur was mad at Lancelot for marrying Gwen. They were friends. That was all Arthur wanted to be. And maybe it was already more than he deserved. 

“If we had the prince here, we would hand him over right away.”, Arthur sulked.  
The world may not be better off without him. But it wouldn't be off worse, either. And the people certainly would be happier, when their houses were searched less. And their farms be left alone.  
Gwen sighed and shook her head. But she didn't try to convince him otherwise.

\-------------------------------------

Despite everything. Arthur was a very curious person. He had always wondered what the shadow may look like.  
He always believed the man would be tall. At least taller than Arthur. Lanky. Probably dressed in a black cloak. His face unreadable. Maybe he would wear a mask, so nobody could see it?  
And yellow eyes. All sorcerers had yellow eyes.  
The man would be powerful. He would radiate anger and power and Arthur would find it easy to feel intimidated by him. And to hate him of course.  
The man would be old. He would be strong and probably also very handy with a sword. Elegant, graceful. Not honorable, no. But definitely ready to fight everything and everyone in his path.  
One could almost say Arthur was excited to see him. He also dreaded it. But mostly he was excited. 

Gwen, Lance and Arthur lived in the center of the village. In a small hut that had still been abandoned about a year ago. But was now lived in by the three of them.  
They had windows from the kitchen to the roads in front. And it was the path the knights and the shadow took, when they passed through the city. 

The sun had already risen to the highest point in the sky, when the small troop of foot soldiers moved passed them.  
It were about two dozen men. Not much for an army. But a lot for such a small village. 

Arthur felt his stomach drop. Of course they wouldn't be able to feed them all. Surely the men knew that! Right? Whom was he kidding.

He saw one of the men point in front of them.  
Arthur, alarmed, looked in the pointed direction. He stood up immediately.  
That was the small girl from down the street! Katie was her name. Arthur's breath hitched.  
The girl stood there, like a warrior in the middle of the road. Her stance wide, a fire in her eyes, as she spoke a few words and a small fire began to flicker in her hands. 

'She's gonna die.”, was all Arthur thought.  
He knew she was a sorceress. She had been born as one. And since magic was not illegal anymore, she had been free to practice it.  
Arthur sometimes watched her. She was gifted. Talented too. But not nearly powerful enough to fight a man. No less an entire army.  
Without thinking, Arthur ignored Gwen's fearful gasp, as he already sprinted out the door. 

He didn't know why. This wasn't about the glory. This wasn't about honor or pride. This was about a girl whose bravery admired but also worried about. Arthur sometimes taught her how to read – though he didn't remember where he had learned it himself.  
She was his friend in almost the same way that Lance was. He couldn't let the shadow get to her!  
Where were her parents?  
Safe at home? Were they worried? Did they even know what she was doing?

Arthur didn't make it in time. There was a man already with her. Dressed all in bluish black tunics. Not too different from the ones that Arthur had to throw away a couple of weeks ago. (He didn't really throw them away. He gave them to Gwen to mend it. Because Arthur was a lost cause when it came to sewing.)  
The man wore no sword as he bent down to the girl who threw a small fireball at him. 

He merely blinked and soon the fireball was gone. 

It was only then that the girl seemed to realize what kind of man stood in her way. 

Arthur, too, was instantly afraid. He, himself, had no weapon either. He had simply forgotten.  
The knights however, had grabbed for their own immediately. 

“Let her go!”, Arthur exclaimed. Breathing heavily as he approached the man. Who was crouching down to the girl and cupped her hands in his. He ignored Arthur, like he was a nosy fly. 

“Blosdme.”, the man said. And Arthur feared for the worst as he returned to sprinting to shield her from the impact of whatever spell this man had just used. 

But the girl was unharmed. Nothing ever hit her. But her eyes were wide like plates as she stared at what the man held between her hands.  
She looked up, the fear momentarily forgotten. The man smiled, before he spoke. 

“You shouldn't be out here, milady.”, he said in the softest voice Arthur had ever heard. And yet, it sounded familiar. Arthur froze once more, breath burning like ice in his lungs.  
It was a flower. She held a flower in her hands. A blue, single small flower.  
The man ruffled her hair. “I think your father is worried about you.”, he said and nodded in Arthur's direction. 

She turned around. Only now noticing Arthur standing there.  
She blinked. “He's not my father. Arthur is my friend.”, she said. Her fighting spirit was gone now.  
Like it had never been there.  
“Arthur?”, the man frowned. And then he stood up and turned around. 

Arthur stopped breathing. To just stare.  
Never in his life had he seen someone so – beautiful.  
How that was the first word that came to mind, he didn't know. The next were: “Do I know you?”

The man tilted his head. “Your name is Arthur?”, he asked, instead of answering. And Arthur cursed. Why – oh why had he chosen that blasted name?  
“Yes.”, Arthur nodded. 

The man nodded, as he send off the girl with a ruffle through her hair. She beamed at him, flower still in her hands as she run over to be shielded by Arthur, as he picked her up. 

“You're not the prince, are you?”, the man asked. He was pale. Incredibly pale. With dark shaggy hair and cheekbones sharp as knifes.  
His dark outfit only contrasted the paleness of his skin and made him look sad. Almost painfully so. There were dark shadows under his eyes.  
Arthur blinked. 'Shadows?', he wondered and then he realized who this was. 

“Not that I knew, no.”, Arthur responded honestly. What idiot just asked people who they were and simply believed it? The man walked closer, holding his hand up as a signal. For the knights to put their weapons down. 

His eyes flashed gold for just a second. Then he nodded. Oh – so he was checking his intentions with magic. Good. Very good. Not creepy at all.  
“He speaks the truth.”, the man said to the knights. But he looked at Arthur strangely anyway.  
“There is something about you, Arthur -”, he said and tilted his head, like something was nudging at him. A faint memory perhaps. “You look familiar.”

Arthur frowned. 'Didn't I just ask him, if we knew each other?'

“So do you.”, Arthur gave back, while the girl in his arms grew heavier with every second. Ten year old's... heavier than you think. 

The man frowned. 

“I suppose – you are Emrys. The shadow everyone keeps speaking of?”, Arthur asked and wondered how this man could defy his expectations so vastly. This man was too young to be the shadow. He was younger than Arthur. Maybe a bit taller, if he wasn't slouching so much.  
He was also skinnier. More tired. Maybe they called him the shadow because of that.  
Because he was so tired and looked so starved, he was merely a shadow of himself. He looked strangely small and weak. No pride, no honor guiding him. Just loyalty. And maybe that was all there was to him. 

The man nodded.  
But it still felt wrong. It felt wrong to think of him as Emrys. As the murderer of a king. This man was merely a boy. A child. Too young for any of his reputation.  
Arthur thought that - knowing that this man was supposed to be powerful. But he magicked Katie a flower.  
How evil could this man be? Magic didn't equal evil. Arthur knew that. Had known that since the day he met Katie. And she hadn't been the only sorcerer who had taught him that. 

He bit his lip. “Would you like to come in?”, Arthur asked despite himself. “You look hungry.”  
The shadow looked up at him in surprise.  
“I -”, he began. 

If he was a knight he would have accepted right away, Arthur knew that.  
“I should probably stay with my king's men. Make sure they don't – wreck the place.”, he smiled uncertainly. 

Arthur felt a pang in his heart. This boy was taking responsibility! Who would have thought.  
There was respect growing in Arthur for this boy. The kind of respect the powerful vision Arthur initially had of the shadow could never have reached.  
Arthur knew that he should know better than to trust him. But something told him he could. And that he always would. Never mind the circumstances. 

“Then -”, Arthur wondered what he could do. The man could have hurt Katie. But he didn't.  
He knew that wasn't necessarily a behavior that demanded a reward. But compared to all the raids Arthur had lived through – all the children he had seen hurt during such patrols …

“Wait a second.”, he said and turned to walk toward his home in fast strides.  
Gwen was waiting at the door. Her hands clasped upon her mouth, as Arthur finally put down the girl, so Gwen could make sure she was really alright.  
Arthur went for the breakfast Gwen had made him. Despite knowing he usually didn't eat in the morning. And wrapped it up in a small basket.  
Then he went out once more, glad that the man hadn't run off yet. Instead he was watching Arthur curiously, as he went back outside. The basket in his hand. 

“Here.”, Arthur said and pushed it into the other man's arms. The man blinked in surprise.  
Nervously he opened the basket.  
“The king isn't with us.”, he said and frowned. “And if it's poisoned, I can assure you -”

“It's for you.”, Arthur said and took a deep breath. He knew he was making a show of this. Kind of. At least a lot of people were watching. The knights for example. Or Arthur's neighbors. 

The man stared up and tilted his head in confusion. He seemed to be doing that a lot.  
“Why?”, he asked. 

Arthur frowned. “You look hungry.”, he said. Hadn't he said that before? Or had he just thought it?  
The man nodded. Then flashed his eyes again. “It's not poisoned, is it?”  
Arthur smiled. “Not unless my landlady secretly hates me.”

The man nodded and looked inside the basket. And then he smiled. An actual crooked smile, as he looked up. “Thank you.”, he said earnestly. And beamed.  
His name wasn't Emrys. Someone with that smiled couldn't be named the shadow. He was too bright for that.  
'Merlin.', his head offered. It sounded right. It sounded incredibly right. But Arthur couldn't place why. Or where his head had gotten that idea from. 

“No problem.”, Arthur gasped. A bit taken aback by the sincerity of this man's gratitude. 

“If you need anything. Or found the prince. Our camp for the night will be in the forest.”, the shadow said and kept smiling. It made him look younger. Less burdened.  
He pointed into the direction where you could barely see the tops of the trees over the small houses. 

Arthur nodded slowly. He kind of wanted to go with them.  
No idea where that thought came from. 

The man seemed to recognize something, as he tilted his head once more.  
“Or, maybe if you just want to say hello.”

Arthur nodded again, biting his bottom lip. What an odd invitation. Was this boy flirting with him or was he trying to gather information through him?  
Something told Arthur that it was neither. At least not yet. Maybe if he visited he would know. 

After that, the shadow waved for the knights to move forward. And ordered them to politely knock on the doors, if anyone had seen Arthur Pendragon.  
Arthur himself was left standing on the road. Watching silently, as the boy took a sandwich from his basket and bit hungrily into it. 

Arthur couldn't help but smile. 

This was probably the first time the town hadn't been robbed of all their possessions, just because a group of knights had passed through. 

“Merlin.”, Arthur whispered to himself and went back inside. It was strange. Even the name tasted familiar on his lips.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now adding to the mystery :)

Gwen, Lancelot and Katie were sitting in the kitchen, as Arthur returned. His head was elsewhere. He felt a little dazed, like something was knocking on the back of his head.   
It was a pounding feeling, which he knew would turn into a very nasty headache sooner or later.   
Or something else. Something much more painful. He frowned. 

Lance and Gwen were whispering among themselves.   
“Have you seen him? Do you think they know each other?”, Gwen said quietly, and frowned awkwardly, as soon as she noticed Arthur.   
“Do you know him?”, she asked immediately. So maybe it wasn't Arthur whom she tried to exclude from the discussion. Maybe it was Katie, who was still a bit in awe at the flower in her hands.   
Arthur would be too, if he was honest.   
Then again, he hadn't gotten a flower from an infamous murderer. 

Arthur shook his head. “I'm not sure.”, he admitted and rubbed his pounding head.   
“He seems … familiar.”, Arthur finally admitted.

“He does?”, Gwen exchanged a look with Lancelot.   
“Do you know his name?”, she asked further.   
“Or maybe what position he had in the royal household before all this happened?”, Lancelot added.   
'Position in the royal household?'

Lancelot – Arthur still wasn't too sure what the man all knew. He certainly knew more about the past few years than Arthur did. Everybody did.   
But he seemed privy to information that even Gwen or others of his friends had never even heard of. 

“Everyone knows his name.”, Arthur said, almost annoyed. “It's Mer-”  
He stopped himself. He had wanted to say Emrys. Instead he said the name that had popped into his head earlier. “-lin.”, he concluded lamely.   
He shook his head. “Sorry, I – I was just -”  
Then he noticed Lancelot staring at him. 

“What?! Sorry. I know his name is actually Emrys. I just got confused for a second.”, Arthur pointedly said. But he felt embarrassed. That much was evident in his tone.   
Lancelot, however, exchanged a look with Gwen. 

“Arthur. The name Emrys was given to him by the druids. The nickname the shadow was given to him by the new king.”, he said slowly and stood up in curiosity.   
“Only those who served Uther Pendragon know his real name. Gwen does, because she was Morgana's servant. I do, because I saved his life once and he tried to help me become a knight.   
How do YOU know his name?”

Arthur froze.   
“You mean – you knew him before the king died?” Perhaps Arthur should be more worried about the name thing. About everything else that Lancelot had just said. But Arthur tended to avoid questioning things that felt – too personal.   
The two of them liked to be secretive about their pasts. And Arthur, who rarely had anything to share, tried to avoid pressuring them into things.  
Also, new information tended to overwhelm Arthur now and then.

In the past year, Arthur had never asked Gwen what she'd been doing in the Castle before he lost his memories. But he knew she was a servant. That much had come back in one of those rare instances, when he regained a memory. As painful as those moments were.  
Though he knew one of those was coming up soon. They always started with a headache.

And he also knew that Lancelot had wanted to be a knight. But he didn't know he had actually tried to become one.   
Arthur blinked, as a sharp pain flooded his senses. Of course. Bloody now!   
Like a small hole in a dam that offered him a glimpse of a memory. 

He inhaled sharply as he remembered. Lancelot, who was fighting him. Dressed like a squire. How did Arthur know what a squire looked like?  
Lancelot had been really good, especially for a rookie. Again, a judgment that Arthur didn't know the basis of. Then he saw Uther Pendragon call the man out for faking his heritage. Lancelot in a cell.   
A random glimpse of a Wilddeoren who was about to eat both Lancelot and Gwen. A young man following them into a cave. Merlin.  
A fire.   
And then Arthur stumbled. 

He blinked back a tear from the sharp pain. Those were – a lot of memories at once.   
Holy moly. His usual flashbacks weren't half as long. 

Lancelot and Gwen immediately rushed to his side.   
“Did – did you just remember something?”, Gwen asked concerned. 

Arthur hissed a breath, as he let himself fall on the next chair. Gwen hurried to give him a piece of paper and a bit of ink and a feather. As Arthur once instructed.  
Arthur hated this part, but he knew it was important that he wrote down exactly what he had seen.   
He was afraid to loose the few memories that his mind provided him with.

Lancelot was reading over his shoulders. They had practiced this. Arthur allowed them to read his memories, quite literally.   
As soon as Arthur wrote down something about a fire that saved them, he leaned back in his chair and covered his face with his hands. 

Lancelot was gaping at the words. “How on earth do you know this happened?”, he asked, reading the words carefully.   
“You weren't there. You shouldn't be able to remember this!”, he added, studying Arthur's face in wonder and shock. 

Arthur groaned. “How do I know?”, he asked, watching as Gwen put some sand on the small Pergament rolls. As soon as she deemed them dry enough, she rolled them up and bound them together. Just to but them into a jar on the top of the shelf.   
'Arthur's memory Jar' was written in fine ink on a label in front. The jar wasn't very full. Maybe about a third was filled with tiny scrolls.   
It was testimony of how far he had gotten to find himself.

“I do remember Gwen and Morgana fighting in a small village somewhere at the border of Camelot. How would I know that? Women usually don't fight. What were they even doing there?”, Arthur reminded him. 

The memory of the battle of Ealdor had come to him weeks ago. As Morgana visited them once. She had run away with a couple of knights as her personal protection. At some point during their escape, Morgana and Gwen had to be separated and visiting each other was a hard risk.   
Morgana defied the warnings many times. And so far, they had been lucky. But even she was unable to determine who Arthur really was. She as well, had no memories of him whatsoever.   
She was the one who gave him the idea for the memory jar. 

But all this was unimportant, as his mind was still focusing on the fact that Merlin – the boy from earlier – the shadow – had been in most recent memory.

Gwen bit her lip. “We were helping a friend.”, she said and looked outside the window again.   
“Merlin?”, Arthur asked and cursed himself. He had called him that again! Just when he had thought his mind would be sensible enough about it!   
And yet, I strangely felt like he was right. He was guessing the means of the battle of Ealdor. How the king's ward and her servant had gone to protect a village that wasn't even part of Camelot. 

She startled at that. Then nodded in pain. “Yes. Merlin.”

“His name is really Merlin.”, Arthur said, though it was more of a question. His head was still pounding.   
“Yes.”, Lancelot said. “He used to be the court physician's apprentice. Who happened to have magic. He was never evil. Until -”, he shook his head. “At least I thought he wasn't.

“Until what?”, Arthur asked curiously, ignoring the last part.  
Lancelot frowned. “Until the day he killed the king.”, he said as a matter of fact.   
Gwen looked down equally ashamed. “I – personally – never knew he had magic.”, she said quietly. “I trusted him. Morgana trusted him. I think everyone did.”

“Can you two please tell me what happened that day?  
I was there but I don't remember a thing! You guys were there! The knights and Morgana were there! I need to know what exactly happened! I'm the only one who doesn't -”, Arthur's voice fell.   
It really wasn't fair. 

Lancelot bit his lip. “Actually, you are wrong about that.”, he admitted and ignored the warning glance his wife send him. 

“Wrong about what?”, Arthur asked curiously. 

Lancelot sighed deeply. “Arthur, even Gwen and I – we don't remember much more than Emrys turning dark. And the king falling to the ground. Everything else of that day is a blur.   
It's a vague memory. For everyone we asked.   
And the thing is – it's the same with you! Nobody remembers you. Nobody even knows your real name. You just disappeared from our minds. Even from your own mind! And yet you seem to recognize some of us. It doesn't make sense!”

Arthur's eyes widened. “You think – you think everyone lost some of their memories?”, he asked irritated. 

Lancelot nodded. “In fact – I think everyone lost their memories regarding to you! And I would love to know how and why.”

Arthur looked to Gwen expectantly. While Lancelot was often the voice of reason, Gwen gave amazing advice. 

“When you talked to Merlin – what did you think?”, she finally asked. A bit worried. A bit curious. 

Arthur wondered for a second, before he decided to answer.   
“I think – he doesn't seem like a bad guy.”, he admitted. And it was hard to admit. Because up until now Arthur had always complained about the rumors about the shadow.   
Now that he met him – his entire opinion had changed in a matter of seconds. 

The married couple mirrored each other, as they sighed.   
“I had hoped to hear this.”, Lancelot said and smiled painfully. “That means, whatever has happened back then – he might be able to explain it.”

“Do you think that is a wise idea?”, Arthur asked. 

“I'm not sure. It depends on what your instincts are worth, Arthur. But so far, you've proven to be a just and fair man. If you're willing to give him a chance. So do I.   
You should talk to him. I have a feeling he will listen to you. Do you know where to find him?”, Lancelot put a reassuring hand on Arthur's shoulder. 

Arthur bit back a comment. “Actually, yes.”, he answered instead.   
“I do.”, he added for emphasis. 

Lancelot smiled weakly. “That is good. When will you go?”  
It wasn't a question of “if”. Arthur wanted to point that out. Then again, he had already made up his mind, hadn't he?  
“Tonight.”, he said. “When they've made up camp.”, he explained. 

“You should take this with you.”, finally Katie spoke up. How on earth had they forgotten about her? How much did she understand?  
She was holding out the flower to Arthur. 

Confused, Arthur took it and stared at the bright red thing. “Thank you?”, he asked curiously.   
Katie smiled. “I have the feeling it was meant for you.”, she said.  
Arthur blinked. “Why do you think that? He gave it to you!”

Katie tilted her head, a bit sadly. “Magic is an emotion, Arthur.”, she said cryptically. Arthur knew better than to question it. 

\----------------------------

When Arthur went out that night, he did it with an intention. He had been a lost memory cause for a year. If he could find answers now, then he would gladly do so.   
The nights were cold in Brieldier. They usually were. Even in the worst summers, the nights could be freezing. That was mainly due to the fact that Brieldier was close to a lake.   
The lake of Avalon they called it. Rumors said a woman watched over the lake and send out fairies to keep the world cold and fresh. So that plants would grow quickly and fruitfully. 

Arthur didn't think about rumors much, but the story briefly touched his conscience, as he found the camp close to the shore. 

Knights were roaming around, carrying weapons. And Arthur wondered if it was such a good idea that he had come here. Each and everyone of them could kill him within a second!  
He was no soldier. Weapons or no weapons. Arthur had never fought in his life.   
At least he thought he didn't. He couldn't imagine a reason as to why he would. 

His hesitation was what gave him away. A knight, tall with long blond hair, immediately drew his sword upon seeing Arthur.   
Arthur gulped.   
“What do you want!”, the man said. What was his name again?

Arthur blinked. The man looked familiar. But this morning he hadn't even noticed him. 

Arthur flinched a little. “I – er – I came to say hello.”, he said weakly. What else was he supposed to do? Fight an armed man? Certainly loosing more than just his dignity? Yeah, right. 

The man frowned. “Who send you! If you are here to tell us where Arthur Pendragon is, then do so at once! Or else I may run you through!”

Arthur was sweating nervously. “I – I don't have information, sorry.”, he said quietly. Just loud enough to be heard. 'I'm actually here to get some myself.', he didn't dare say.   
“The sha– Merlin invited me.” Arthur gulped. If this man truly knew the shadow – he would know his name right?  
Or were Lancelot and Gwen messing with him? Ridiculous thought. They would never endanger him like that. 

The man frowned. He didn't lower his sword as Arthur had hoped.   
“How do you know his name? Only a traitor would know!”  
'Okay, maybe I should have reconsidered my word choiced.'

“Leon! Let him go.” Arthur sighed a breath of relief. There he was. Merlin. The boy, smaller than the knight walked towards him from where he had been cooking at the fire.   
Why was the shadow cooking? Shouldn't a servant be doing that?  
'Again?', Arthur's head began pounding again. Twice in one day? That had never happened before! Arthur had barely recovered from his last memory blast!  
And here was certainly not the place. 

“I invited him.”, the shadow explained further. Studying Arthur up and down. “Though I would like to know how you know my name!”, he asked, head tilted.   
“I think you muttered it, as you left us this morning. How do you know? Did someone tell you? If so – you must tell me who it was, so they can be arrested.”

Arthur bit his lips. “Nobody told me.”, he said and saw Merlin's eyes flash. Man that sight made him nervous. He knew his thoughts were being invaded right now.   
“I – remembered.”  
Merlin frowned. “Remember from what?”

Arthur took a deep breath. Then he decided, lying was no use. He should probably start this conversation honestly.   
“I don't know.”, he said. Hoping that Merlin could see the sincerity in his eyes. 

“Bullshit, I don't -”

“Leon, wait.”, Merlin said and held the knight back once again.   
“Why don't we go sit at the fire and then you can explain?”  
Arthur had come for answers. Not this throbbing pain in his head. And certainly not to be questioned by a mere -

The vision hit him full force this time. Enough to make his breathing hitch and black dots playing painfully in his eyes. 

There was a woman with a loud but beautiful voice. A dagger, directed at Arthur. A man pulled him to the side. A kind announcing a boy to be a servant. It was too blurry to actually see or know whose servant he had become.   
He saw two kings meeting. One goblet that he knew was poisoned. A boy – Merlin – drinking it willingly.   
The same boy was dying now. In small chambers. A flower. A blue orb. 

Arthur took a deep breath. Two memories. Those were two separate memories. He held his head.   
He must have fallen to the ground, because he couldn't remember where he was for a second.   
And then blue eyes pierced into his. The knight from before crouching next to him in worry. 

“Sorry, I – I should write that down first.”, he mumbled and grabbed for a piece of Pergament that he always carried with him. Well – almost always. Not when he was asleep  
They moved towards the fire, where Arthur tried to recollect exactly what he had seen. 

Merlin watched him curiously. As did the knight. And some others who had seen him faint like a wimp.   
As Arthur was done and pulled away the small scroll, he held his head uncomfortably. 

“What was that?”, Merlin asked, worried. Why would he be worried?  
Then again, why would he drink poison in that memory of his?

“A flashback.”, Arthur said shortly. Speaking hurt.   
Merlin blinked back at him. His head tilted to the side again. So it was a thing with him then. Where his eyes flashing or was that the fire that reflected in them?

“A flashback.”, Merlin repeated confused. 

Arthur nodded. “That's kind of why I'm here.”, he said.   
“I've – I've lost my memories. Everything that happened up until a year ago – gone. I sometimes have these moments that I remember things. They are mostly short and very painful.   
I usually have them round about twice a month. If I'm lucky.   
I've had them twice today.”, Arthur said and looked directly at the shadow now. 

“And in both vision's... I saw you. And your name was Merlin. Not Emrys.”

He waited a second, as Merlin contemplated what he said. “You saw me? In your memories?”  
Arthur nodded, with a side glance to Leon, who seemed just as perplexed as Merlin was. 

“But, I don't remember you.”, Merlin said. “You look familiar, I think. But nothing more.”

Arthur nodded. “Yeah, I figured as much. It's the same with my landlord and his wife. I remember them from these flashes sometimes. But they can't remember ever having met me.   
It's like I never existed to others. Only ever to myself. If you can call it that.”

Merlin and the knight were silent after that. “You thought I may have answers for you.”, Merlin said sadly. “I'm sorry. But I don't know you.”  
Arthur smiled. “That's okay. I expected nothing less. It was worth a try.”

They sat in silence for a few moments.   
“I have another question though.”, Arthur said. “You know – just so I can understand why you guys are here.”

Merlin shook his head. “We are searching for Arthur Pendragon.”  
“I know. But why? Why here? Why him? I mean – I get he's the prince and all. But he left. He ran away. Nobody knows where he is. That doesn't sound like something a future king should do.”

Merlin bit his lip. “The thing is – we don't know if he even exists.”

Arthur's answer fell flat to that.   
Merlin seemed to contemplate, if it was worth telling Arthur all this. Then he must have figured that Arthur had already shared some vulnerable information with them. Now it was his turn. 

“Ever since king Uther died -”, Merlin paused, fumbling with his fingers at that. “We have found recordings of a son Uther was said to have. Other kingdom's ask about him. Neither me nor our king has ever heard of him. Or ever met him.  
It's like tales are spreading about him from all around Camelot. Only Camelot doesn't know.   
Our king wants him dead. Simply because he may become a threat to the kingdom.   
But we don't know who we are searching for. It's strange.”

Arthur almost grinned. “Seems like I'm not the only one whose existence was forgotten, huh?”, he joked. “Just imagine I was the prince. Pretty stupid of me to walk right into your arms then.”

Merlin looked up once more. His eyes were bluer than before.  
“Gosh, I hope not. I don't want to hurt either of you.”, Merlin said, considering Arthur's joke as though he seriously meant it. 

Arthur frowned. “I thought your king wants him dead.”  
“Yes. But I don't.”, Merlin said and closed his eyes. Once again he looked old. Much much older than he actually was.   
Leon was rubbing his back in comfort. 

Arthur thought that maybe – he shouldn't ask about this now. People were ready to do a lot of things for their king. Merlin looked devastated at the mere thought of acting out his orders. More like horrified.   
It was better to not press the subject. 

“Say – in my memories...”, Arthur started instead. “You're not a – what are you now? A knight?”

“Court sorcerer.”, Merlin answered shortly. “That's what the king calls it.”  
Arthur could imagine Merlin felt more like a weapon than anything. 

“In my memories you were a servant.”, he said. Because he knew, this didn't make sense. Arthur knew the boy was a servant. It was an information that had come with the pictures. And yet, Gwen and Lancelot said something about court physician's apprentice.  
Both were jobs that required lots of time and practice and basically stole all your freedom.   
One person couldn't do both.   
Gwen was very persistent about it for some reason. 

Merlin looked up in confusion.   
“Me? A servant?” He looked shocked at first. Then he was searching his mind to try and find something that would give him a clue what Arthur had meant.   
And then, Arthur could see it. Merlin holding his own head. Him gasping, as something must be flashing in his mind.   
And then he shot up, eyes wide. He turned back to Arthur slowly.   
Arthur sat up straighter. 

“Did you – did you just have a flashback?”

But the memory itself had Merlin irritated and his response came out as a question rather than an answer. And it was such a specific question, so in tandem to the flashback Arthur just had, that Arthur knew they were about to unravel something big. Something very big.  
Still, there was one part of those specifics that Arthur hadn't seen in his vision.

“Why would I drink poison for you?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can I be honest? I have no idea what exactly is going to happen. Like usual :3  
> But I have the feeling it's going to be nice and calm.   
> I want them to meet Morgana though. Maybe she will regain some memories as well? Who knows?

“You saw it too?”, Arthur asked, sitting up straighter on the branch he was sitting on.   
Merlin bit his lip. Arthur could empathize. These flashbacks were worse than a migraine. Well maybe not worse. But somewhere in that area. 

Merlin shook his head but not in a way that meant he didn't think so. More in a manner of 'my head hurts, give me a minute.'  
“I think it was the day Uther died.”, he said. Arthur blinked. That – was certainly not the same memory. Arthur's memory seemed older. Not a year old. Maybe four. At least it felt like four. 

“A year ago. Uther on his throne. The new king was keeping me hostage. He was speaking of revenge. He said he hates you. He wants you to suffer. To loose your loved ones. To loose – me.”  
Merlin's eyes shot up and met Arthur's. There was a question there. One that Arthur had no answer for.  
“He told you to drink it. Or else he would force me to do it. We thought it was poison. But that didn't keep you from trying to drink it. So I did instead. It wasn't poison.”

Arthur gaped a little. “What was it?”  
“I don't know. But why would my king hate you?”

“Why would your king hold you hostage?”

“Because I was important to you.”, Merlin offered. 

“Why were you important to me?”, Arthur asked, but Merlin shrugged uncertainly. So Arthur continued with another question.   
“Why would he want to kill me?”,

“I – I don't know.”, Merlin said slowly. “The memory doesn't say.” 

There was a silence between them. Leon watched them curiously. But also in worry.   
“Does that mean, we have to kill him, then?”, Leon asked and pointed at Arthur.   
Arthur flinched. Right. That thought hadn't quite come to him yet. When the new king wanted Arthur to suffer, surely they would have to hurt him now.   
They would – wouldn't they?

Merlin shook his head. “We don't have the orders. And as long as we don't report, we won't get any.”  
Leon nodded. “Good. I wouldn't want any more innocent people to suffer anyway.”

Arthur blinked and glanced between them. “You – you don't?”

Merlin smiled, as he still held his head. Then again – what sane person wanted anyone to suffer. Arthur really shouldn't be as surprised as he was. Then again – they were knights. That is what they seemed to want all the time.

Leon sighed. “The problem is – neither of us is happy with the new king. Nobody really is. Though, I have to admit, he's still a better king than Uther was. But that's not a fair comparison.   
We are searching for Arthur Pendragon. To kill him of course. But erm – not seriously. We need to find him, to also protect him. And maybe make him king. Depending on what kind of person he is.  
But that is also a bit complicated, because, to find him would be dangerous. Since Merlin can't – er -”, he trailed of. That didn't make sense.   
Merlin had just said he didn't want to hurt Arthur Pendragon. If he wanted to defy the king – what does it mean – he couldn't -? 

Merlin sighed, as he noticed Arthur's obvious confusion.   
“When we meet him, I will kill him. Whether I want to or not.”

Arthur frowned. “I don't understand.”

“It is an order from my king. I cannot refuse an order from my king!”, Merlin explained, as though that explained anything. 

“If you want to defy him, why don't you?”

“Because I can't!”

“Why can't you? Just because he's your king? If he was such a good king, surely he wouldn't order you to kill people!”

“You don't understand! He - I am physically unable to defy him. It's just not possible. An order from him has to be obeyed. At least for me. I've learned that lesson before.   
He ordered me to kill Uther Pendragon. And I did. And I couldn't -”, Merlin's voice fell flat. 

Arthur could see it. He could see Merlin stand still in front of a blurry man who pointed at Uther. He saw Merlin's eyes turn gold against his will. He saw a hand raised, a wrist move. And he heard the snap of a breaking neck and saw the king fall to the ground.   
Screams. Insufferable pain. Chaos among the servants and the knights.   
But more than anything – he saw the horror in Merlin's eyes, as the blurry man pointed at Arthur next. 

Arthur blinked away another wave of pain.   
Again? So soon?

“I think – I think I was right there when it happened.”, he said, as he too gasped for breath once more. 

Merlin and Leon exchanged a look. Trying to make sense of Arthur's statement.   
But Arthur left out the part where Merlin was supposed to kill him next. That image burned into the back of his eyes. That memory – how could he ever forget something like that?  
How could anyone – ever – forget something like that?

“What if – what if you really are the prince?”, Leon asked. Merlin hit him for that.   
“It's better to never know! Because if that is the case -”, Merlin bit his lip once more. 

“You should run away.”, Arthur said weakly. “You should run away from your king. That blasted kingdom. His men. All of it. It doesn't sound like you're safe there!” Then again – Merlin obviously had been able to kill king Uther. With just one movement of his hand. Because Merlin was a sorcerer.   
And Uther executed sorcerers.   
Merlin had never been safe in Camelot. Why didn't he leave much – much – sooner?

Merlin looked down at his boots like they were somehow more interesting than Arthur's face. Maybe they were. Who knew?  
“I have orders to return to my king.”, he said. Arthur blinked. If Merlin couldn't defy any order from his king – then it was true. He had to return at some point. But – Arthur wondered for a moment. Then he asked:

“When?”

Merlin looked up, a little surprised. “When?”  
Arthur nodded. “If he didn't say when – then it doesn't matter when. Then you can run away for a year or perhaps longer. As long as you intent to go back, you should be fine.”

“And where would I go.”, Merlin said, but it sounded almost like a question. 

Arthur stared ahead into the flames of the small fire, where some soup was still being cooked.   
And he thought about this. Not about the soup obviously. But about the running part.  
He thought about how he had run from Camelot with Gwen and Lancelot. How they had taken him in without knowing who he was. Without HIM knowing who he was. 

He thought about Morgana who had always treated him like a brother. Even though they knew nothing about each other at first. Who kept visiting once in a while.   
He thought about Katie who had shown him magic and what good it could do. 

He thought about the purpose of his own life. One which he hadn't yet found. And he thought of his desire to learn more about the world. To find a place in it. Apart from being a farmer, which was something he actually liked to be.   
He wanted to know who he was. He wanted to find himself. 

And he felt a connection to this boy he just met. Maybe it was the same Gwen, Lance and Morgana had to him? Maybe it was more. He wanted to know more about him. He wanted to protect him for some reason.  
If Merlin really had been so important to him that he was held hostage by the now new king to force him to do something -   
if Merlin had been ordered to kill him and Arthur still somehow survived -

Maybe this was a chance. A possibility. A way to a future. A way to find his past.   
Maybe this was what he had been waiting for?  
Maybe -

“You could run away with me.”, he said finally. And that didn't answer the question of where. But it was still a destination.

He felt Leon's and Merlin's eyes bore into him. “You could pretend that you had reason to believe you found the prince but weren't completely sure yet. Or that there was a spell on him that protected him from your magic.”

“I can't lie to my king. He ordered me not to!”, Merlin argued. Arthur gave him a smile.   
THAT was the part he focused on. That was good. That was very good, in fact. 

“You can't. But Leon can.”, Arthur shot Leon a side glance. 

“And why would we trust you?”, Leon asked suspiciously. 

“Why would Merlin drink poison for me in his memory.”, Arthur retorted. Even if it hadn't been poison. Merlin had been prepared for it to be. And Arthur remembered another scene where Merlin actually did drink poison and almost died. If that wasn't devotion – Arthur didn't know what was. Maybe he was a bit proud of that comeback. 

“Why?”, Merlin asked finally. “Why would you want to run away with me? You don't even know me!”

Arthur thought hard about that. Why did he? Why did all of this feel so – right somehow?   
“Actually – I think a part of me does know you. I remember you. At least some things about you. When I don't even remember myself.   
It's not a question of whether would I – it's a question of whether would you!” And it was true. Arthur would love to say that a part of him was doubting his decision. That a part of him was scared of the Shadow. But the thing was – he wasn't.

Merlin's mouth parted slightly. Then closed again. 

“How many people could you save, if you ran away with me.”, Arthur asked now and felt his heart rate pick up every time he suggested it. Suggested running away. 

Merlin looked at him strangely, deep in thought. But considering. His head tilted in wonder at him. Like he was trying to figure Arthur out.   
“Everyone.”, he whispered.   
And that was his final decision. 

\--------------------------

Arthur felt excited and worried at the same time, as he packed his things.   
Gwen and Lancelot watched him with growing concern.   
“Arthur – what are you doing?”

Arthur turned around, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.   
“I'm running away.” Admittedly, that did sound strange. You don't announce that you run away. Not normally, anyway. But this wasn't normal. 

“Why?”, Gwen asked, her face worried. Maybe slightly hurt at his declaration. 

“Why not?” 

Gwen and Lance frowned, as they looked at each other. “You know, if something is wrong – you can just tell us. You don't need to leave!”

Arthur sighed and stopped, while he packed his stuff. Which were merely some clothes, a blanket and some small wooden figurines had had carved as a hobby. 

“There is nothing wrong.”, Arthur shook his head and smiled at them. 'Quite the opposite really.', he thought and it made him smile.  
“Just -”, he sighed. “I think we all know – I'm the third wheel here. I don't even know who I am and I am kind of interfering your marriage.   
Don't get me wrong. I know you say it doesn't bother you. But it bothers me. It has for a long time now.   
I just want to find myself. And I know how that sounds – but I don't think I will find it here.”

“You think – you think you will find it with the shadow.”, Lancelot said.   
Arthur locked eyes with him, a little embarrassed how easily Lance had come to that conclusion. Then again – the conclusion didn't come from nothing. As soon as Arthur had returned, he had begun packing things.

“Yes.”, he nodded. 

Gwen bit her lip and crossed her arms in front of her.   
“Where will you go? Do you even know how dangerous this is?”

Arthur grinned, as he jumped past them downstairs and grabbed for his memory jar and a few Pergament rolls. And the ink and the feather he used to write down his memories. 

Gwen and Lancelot followed him downstairs. Both still more than just worried. 

“I think we'll go and look for Morgana.”, he said and noticed how easily he had switched to 'we'.   
Or how strangely familiar the 'we' did sound when referring to Merlin. 

“Arthur -”, Gwen began once more. Worried. Both for him and his sanity. 

“Merlin is the most powerful warlock to ever walk the earth!”, Arthur finally said. “What would I be afraid of?” 'Except for the king.', he thought. 

“Him.”, Gwen said. Arthur stopped and turned around. Him. Merlin. Why would Arthur be afraid of – oh right. 

“I'm not.”, Arthur said and it was true. Arthur wasn't. Not even for a second. There was just this something about Merlin. Something so honest and pure and innocent – he couldn't help but trust him. 

“That's what worries me. Look, Arthur. Lance and I both knew him. And he betrayed us. I am with Lance, when he says we trust your judgment. That we could give him a second chance. Or a chance to explain –   
But this -”, she pointed at Arthur like his antics were some kind of mental affliction.   
“You're trusting him blindly! He killed Uther Pendragon!”

Arthur nodded. “He didn't have a choice.”

Gwen frowned confused. And Arthur took this as a sign to sit both of them down to explain what he had seen and heard and remembered. 

“And you believe him?”, Lance asked finally, just as worried as Gwen was. But Arthur nodded. And laughed a bit. 

“Everything I am – everything I remember. I feel like it's drawn to him somehow. Like – like – I can't explain it. It's like we were destined to meet again.”  
'Again.', his own mind smiled at him. 'We've known each other before. We've met before. We both started to remember.'

Gwen and Lancelot shared a look then smiled at Arthur. 

“Okay.”, Lance said and Gwen nodded. Those two completed each other like missing puzzle pieces. Their relationship was something Arthur wished for in his own life and future.   
It wasn't an important thought and he had certainly not thought this for the first time. But now that he was going to leave – he was reminded of it again.   
With a promise that now that he was ready to try something new – he might actually find it.

“Stay safe, Arthur.”, Gwen emphasized and gently patted his arm.   
“And be careful. The knights of Camelot are everywhere. They might be searching for you.”

Arthur smiled. “I doubt that. Merlin gave them orders that will prevent that for a while.”

The two exchanged a look once more. “When will you leave, exactly?”

Arthur smiled. In that very moment, as if on cue, it knocked on the door.   
“Arthur!”, someone yelled. And Arthur's head snapped up to meet Merlin's smiling face at the window.   
If somehow possible, Arthur's grin widened even more. 

\--------------------------------------

Before they left, Arthur and Merlin said goodbye to Lancelot and Gwen. And Arthur made sure to also say goodbye to Katie. 

Who lived down the street with her parents and her younger brother. Who was merely an infant. 

“Arthur!”, she yelled as she saw him. Neither her nor her parents had noticed Merlin yet.   
Somehow the boy had just disappeared out of their view.   
Arthur wondered, if maybe he had been wrong about Merlin. Maybe he wasn't called the shadow because he looked like a shadow of himself – but because he was easy to overlook.   
For other people.   
For Arthur he stuck out in the crowd like a single red tulip in a field of yellow ones.   
It vaguely reminded him of the flower in the pocket of his jacket. 

Arthur crouched down to Katie's level to give her one last hug, before he left. It was dark and he had to wake her and her parents up.   
It was better to leave the same night. Less people to avoid. Less people that were scared of Merlin.  
But Katie deserved a proper goodbye.

“You're leaving?”, she said. But it wasn't a real question. She had seen his bag.   
And with her talents, she probably knew what was in it. 

Arthur cupped her face in his hands, like he sometimes did. Because Katie had the tendency to only stay still when someone held her head. She was a bit like a cat in that regard.   
She used to steal stuff from him when he wasn't careful. With how much she jumped around, Arthur never noticed it until it was too late.   
That is actually how they met. Katie had been grounded for three weeks after Arthur talked to her parents about it. 

“Listen, Katie. Keep reading books. Study hard! I want you to remember all your spells by the time I come to visit next! And please, stay out of trouble.”

Katie smiled sadly. “But you will be coming back?”

Arthur ruffled her hair at that. She had short hair. Her parents kept it short, because she quarreled with boys a lot and they tended to tug at her hair. Short hair was just more practical for a child.   
Especially for someone like Katie. She had insisted on it herself, by the way.   
And she was pretty good at avoiding snarky remarks and mean comments. Having magic gave her an advantage in that regard.   
And the length of your hair really shouldn't be an excuse for others to make fun of you.

“If possible, yes. Otherwise you may have to visit me instead. We'll write, alright?”

Katie nodded eagerly, blinking away some tears. Well – Arthur had become somewhat of an older brother to her. And she like a sister to him.   
Another sister who happened to have magic. Arthur barely remembered the first few weeks, when he had instinctively been avoiding her for fear of her powers.   
Until he had fallen of a rooftop that he had been trying to repair (and no idea how to do so) and she had found a spell to heal his broken wrist. Wherever she had found those spell books. Uther was supposed to have destroyed them all.

The two of them shared a story. A one year old story. And there was too much in it to explain in a couple sentences. But know that she meant a lot to him. 

Katies parents were watching them. And Arthur wondered if Gwen and Lancelot had already lectured them about forgetting to watch their own child earlier so she could just run up to the most powerful sorcerer of all times and risk being killed on sight. 

He decided not to mention it. Katie was safe. And Merlin wasn't as evil as they used to believe. There had never been real danger. And yet – there could have been.   
Merlin was fidgeting behind him. He had even less stuff on him than Arthur himself.   
Which was strange – considering how high his position in the Castle was.   
The king's right hand.   
That was as high as a commoner – a servant – even a royal could rise. Legally that is. 

“Yeah.”, Katie sniffled. But she wasn't sobbing, even as the tears ran down her face and into Arthur's hands. 

Katie's parents kept waiting. Strange how Arthur barely ever talked to them. And yet had some kind of odd friendship with them.  
“Alice. Brian.”, he said as he stood up. “Take good care of her.”  
He shook their hands politely and they nodded awkwardly. And then he realized that their suspicion wasn't exactly for him.   
They had gotten to know him after all. He may not be their best friend, but he was like a brother to their children. And helped them out in the garden when they didn't have the time for it.

Their suspicion was reserved for Merlin. Whom they just noticed.  
And who was an unfamiliar presence in the room. But as soon as Arthur had stood up again, Katie had run over to the new stranger and approached him with a beaming smile. 

Merlin scratched his neck awkwardly, as he was the one to crouch down now. 

“Can you show me some magic again?”, she said. And Arthur almost winced. He knew she had a rare gift. One that none of the other people in this town could explain to her or sympathize with.   
Now she met someone who could and she had to say goodbye before she had the chance to get to know him.

Merlin smiled and whispered something as his eyes turned gold and a small dove emerged from his hand. 

Her eyes were wide, and the attention of her parents immediately drew to the stranger. 

The dove looked around quizzically, as if she didn't know where she was or why she was here. But her eyes set on Merlin and then on the girl.   
“If you want to write. Just send her. She will know where to find us.”, Merlin said with a smile and the dove immediately flapped her wings to settle on Katie's shoulder.   
She almost shrieked in glee and excitement. Then she began to pet her new friend. Focus entirely drawn to the magical creature. 

“I will. THANK YOU!”, she finally looked up again and hugged Merlin very tight.   
Merlin flinched, like he'd never been hugged before. Maybe not never. But definitely not as often as he probably needed. But he patted her shoulder awkwardly anyway. 

“Arthur, I think we need to leave.”, Merlin said and his voice cracked a bit.

Arthur nodded. 

“Who is that?” Alice asked. Clearly worried. Though Arthur wasn't sure if for him or about Merlin.   
Merlin frowned. And then Brian grabbed Alice by the shoulder and also grabbed for his daughter as he realized who this man was.   
Merlin's features were hard to make out in the dim light of the candle in the room. So maybe it was fair that they hadn't recognized him immediately.   
But his magic must have given Brian the final hint to figure it out. 

They didn't say anything. Brian didn't. Too scared to even move. And too worried to further upset his wife. But Arthur placed himself protectively between them. His back to Merlin, obviously. Like it was Merlin he had to protect.   
“You're right. We should leave.”, he said painfully, directed at Merlin.   
He should have known something like this would happen. But Merlin didn't seem a threat to him. So he kinda just – kept forgetting. 

“Bye, Arthur! Bye Emrys!”, Katie however, sounded as cheerful as ever.  
The door closed shut as soon as they left. The last thing Arthur heard was Alice gasping and Brian calling out for Arthur to wait or run.   
It was muffled by the door. Arthur couldn't really make it out. 

Not that it mattered. What mattered were the horses that Leon had prepared for them just outside the village. And the path ahead.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how about some memory fluff :3

Merlin was surprisingly quiet during their travel. Which was odd. Not because Merlin had been real chipper or talkactive before – well he had been, but how would Arthur know that?   
But there was an anxious air around him. Like he was scared that any second the king would just appear around the next corner or from behind the next tree and kill them.   
Or worse. Order Merlin to kill Arthur. 

Arthur still wasn't sure what Merlin meant, when he said he couldn't refuse those orders. 

But he guessed that was a problem they would have to face another day. They were going to face it. Arthur was not so oblivious that he didn't expect it. But he knew they could postpone it for some time.   
Leon would tell the king something about a “lead”, that Merlin had in finding Arthur Pendragon. (Which – to be fair – wasn't even a lie.)  
And where he couldn't need any knights as distractions.   
He would return as soon as the prince was found.   
That was their story. And it may buy them at least two weeks to change location before the king may get wary.   
And if Merlin send letters regulary, they might be able to postpone it for another – let's say two or three years. Should the king permit his stay somewhere on the country side for that amount of time. 

They traveled. Mostly at night. And at first Arthur thought about leaving Camelot for good. But Arthur had decided on visiting Morgana instead. 

Arthur didn't know exactly where she was. That was a secret she kept from him. Like the cryptic she was.   
However, she always knew where to find him. Or how. Or when he'd come.   
Arthur knew the vague direction of where she currently lived and he knew that should they get close to her location – SHE would send HIM a letter and tell them where she was.   
Bloody sorceress.   
Unnecessary precaution. Then again, when he looked at Merlin... it wasn't that unnecessary was it?

They made camp for the third time since they left Brieldier. 

And once again, Merlin was awfully quiet. Had been the previous day as well. And the day before that. And before that one too. And it gnawed on Arthur's insides. It just seemed – wrong.

Arthur sighed. “Come on, Merlin. What are you so gloomy about?!”, he jabbed him in the side, but Merlin ignored him, erratically trying to make a fire with two stones he had with him.   
Arthur had mentioned it the first night they camped. That Merlin could just use magic to make the fire. But Merlin insisted that he liked doing it the traditional way.   
It was probably just a habit.   
A habit of when? When he was still hiding how powerful he was? More than a year ago. Probably.  
Why the hell did Merlin hide anyway? He was powerful enough to kill Uther Pendragon with a flick of his wrist. Why on earth would someone like him have to hide?  
Merlin didn't tell him. He had just looked a bit stunned at the question, like Arthur was the unreasonable one of the two. 

“Come on Merlin, I haven't seen you smile those past three days.”

Merlin's head shot up. An incredulous look in his eyes. “What?”  
Was it weird that Arthur was counting? No. Definitely not. It was just obvious. Merlin always smiled. Or – should. Arthur would have thought he did.   
Then again, Merlin had not been smiling most of the days Arthur now knew him.

“I hardly have any reason to smile these days.”, Merlin said, and sadly poked around in the fire that was slowly rising now.   
Arthur's own grin dropped, as he decided to finally sit down next to Merlin.   
Maybe Merlin regretted traveling with Arthur already? Arthur felt a low feeling clench in his guts. He ignored it reasonably. 

“I think you worry too much. We'll be fine.” Arthur sounded more firm and confident than he felt. Then again – had had always swallowed down his insecurities. At least – he thought he did. He never knew for sure if it came to the person he used to be.

Merlin shuffled in his seat and sighed. “It's not that. I always worry about everything. Since I came to Camelot – so much has happened.”, he paused, waiting for Arthur to nod at him to continue or tell him to stop talking.   
But Arthur send him a reassuring smile, so Merlin felt free to continue.   
“I've seen so many executions...  
My first girlfriend died shortly after we met. My best friend died, right when I was trying to safe my people. My father died, soon after I found him. I released a dangerous Dragon on the citizens, Chaos happened to the king and the kingdom just because I was there.   
So many people have died who I never even knew! And my guardian told me to let them, because it was better than getting killed myself. Which was a bullshit excuse by the way.   
I've hid who I was, I had to let people die in order to keep my secret. And then I went and killed the king and fight wars for the new one and now -”  
Merlin swallowed, not managing to look at Arthur anymore.   
“Now I'm running away.”  
He didn't say it, but Arthur knew what he meant. Running from the consequences. Running from his mistakes, from his punishment. From his duties.   
'Much like that bloody prince.', Arthur thought, but never mentioned it.

He didn't know how to respond to that – so he just stared at Merlin. This was -

“That's not fair and you know it.” Finally he knew how to talk again. 

Merlin laughed. “Yeah. I am not being fair. Abandon my friends like that. My family. Everyone who ever mattered to me. I'm a tool is what I am and I am a coward.”

'You seem pretty brave to me.', Arthur couldn't help but think. But he wasn't sure what he based that impression on. So he kept it to himself.

Arthur wondered, if Merlin had ever opened up like this to anyone. It didn't look like Merlin did. He looked burdened. So heavily burdened. Arthur wondered how Merlin had come to the conclusion that opening up now and to him was a good idea. So spontaneously as he had begun. Then again, Arthur had seen him these past few days. It hadn't been THAT spontaneous. Maybe Merlin had been contemplating to confide in him the entire time. Perhaps that was what had bothered him so much.  
Anyway. Arthur felt touched at how much Merlin already trusted him. 

“Then – how about you tell me what happened? I know you must have had your reasons.”

Merlin slowly perked up again. Eyebrows furrowed in confusion. 

“Isn't it bothering you? I thought I was -”, he turned away and hugged himself tightly. How come, people who've lived through so much trauma always believed they had to keep it to themselves?  
What was wrong with society that we never dare to share ourselves with others? What do we have to loose? But the answer is quite obvious, isn't it?   
As obvious as the meaning of life.   
The answer is everything and nothing. Reasons are different for everyone and yet for all the same.   
We all know the answer and yet we don't. We doubt it's existence and yet it is there. It's all and nothing. And sometimes –there was never even a question at all. 

Arthur shrugged.   
“Come on, Merlin. We're going to spend the next couple of years together if everything works out as we planned. If you don't start annoying me now, you might never will. And you'll regret that sooner or later.”

Merlin snorted. It wasn't even that funny. But Merlin relaxed a little at his comment.   
“I have a destiny you know. To bring upon the -”, Merlin's eyes dazed out for a moment.   
“To bring upon the -” He paused again. Like there was a nasty image in his head that blocked his view on the topic at hand.   
His eyes widened. “Oh my GOD! I don't remember!”, he gaped. Then his head snapped to Arthur, who was completely confused now.   
“I had a DESTINY, Arthur! And I don'T REMEMBER!”  
Merlin was panicking. Oh that was NOT good. Arthur hadn't planned for this. Merlin stood up, walking in circles. 

“Merlin, it's alright, it'll come back. we'll -.”

“No, Arthur, you don't understand! That destiny made me kill people. It made me betray my friends. It made me deny magic as a whole! I HAVE to remember!”  
His breathing increased, as did the speed in which he paced. 

“Merlin – trust me -”

“No, listen! You have no idea what it's like to have a destiny -”

They both froze as words popped into their heads. This too, was not exactly something new. The past three days, whenever they actually DID talk – something triggered a memory.   
The pain in their heads had synchronized, as they memorized the very same things at the very same time. Well, not exactly the same things. Sometimes one of them remembered more than the other. Depending on how important that certain memory was to each of them.   
Sometimes they saw different memories about the same topic.

This once, they shared the same length of the same memory.

So they both heard Arthur say: “You have no idea what it's like to have a destiny, you can't escape.”  
“Destinies, are troublesome things.” The memory Merlin was slow in his advice, but so confident like he knew exactly what he was talking about. You feel trapped.”, is what Merlin had answered.   
It was more painful and louder than anything else they had ever heard in their entire lives. And it held a meaning to their hearts no other words could ever compare. 

“Like your whole life has been planned out for you and you've got no control over anything. And-”, he gasped for air. “- sometimes you don't know if what destiny decided is really the best thing at all.”

“How come you're so knowledgeable?”, memory Arthur asked. Like he couldn' understand how Merlin of all people understood destinies. Ridiculous. The guy was Emrys. If anyone had a destiny, it was him.   
“I rode a book.”, Memory Merlin replied, like it was the most natural lie that had ever come to him.   
Arthur and Merlin both knew what this meant. This was a memory, when Arthur hadn't known about Merlin's magic yet. 

The memory was fading out now. But there was something else within the conversation that stuck out. Clear as day, while the rest of the conversation turned into a mumbled blurr.  
“I think you're mad. I think you're all mad. People should marry for love.”   
And this was all Arthur could focus on right now. Who cared about the magic. Arthur had known for quite some time now. But the other bit. The last bit – that tugged on his heart.  
What that had to do with destiny – Arthur wasn't so sure. But it felt important.

The silence was palpable. As Merlin tried to regain his balance and Arthur tried to make sense of the words in his head.

Merlin was the first one to speak again. “So – you didn't know I had magic.”, he said slowly. Like there had ever been any doubt to it. It was clear from the way memory Merlin had pretended he had no idea about destinies. They could feel Arthur's obliviousness in that scene. 

Arthur, however, was hardly listening.   
“I – what now?”, he asked, already grabbing for his scrolls and handing one over to Merlin as well, so they could share their burden with the memory jar. Arthur had crossed out his own name the moment he realized he wasn't the only one so blind to his past.   
Well – the moment he realized Merlin as well had lots of holes in his memories. 

“I said – you didn't know anything about my magic. You were clearly clueless about it.”, Merlin said, and held his head as he made a wincing noise at the aftermath of the headache.  
“Is this really going to continue like this? Will I have to get used to these migraines?”, he cursed under his breath. 

Arthur nodded slowly, barely grabbing the question. He didn't care about the magic. He didn't care about the bloody headaches (alright, that last one was a lie.).  
He wanted to know why Merlin advised him on his love life. 'people should marry for love.'  
Why was that even a concern of his?  
“Who – what do you think we were back then?”, Arthur asked, feeling a little overwhelmed by the feelings he remembered. Almost more than the words that had hit him full force in the head. 

Merlin blinked. “I don't know? You said I was a servant. Maybe you were a knight or – I don't know. Probably a royal person of something.”  
Merlin took it to literal. This wasn't about them individually!   
“No. I meant ...”, Arthur paused. Unsure of how to ask this again.   
“What were WE. As in – our relationship.” Because servants were no advisors to nobles. Servants didn't tell you who to marry.  
Servants weren't supposed to question you at all. 

And there was more. Servants didn't need to drink poison for nobles. Most wouldn't do it for their own family members! Even if they were friends – that was a loyalty beyond comparison!  
They must have had a deep connection for that to make any sense.

“Relationship?”, Merlin's eyes widened. “You don't think we -”, he never ended that sentence. As the thought must have finally reached him as well.  
Then he shook his head, laughing nervously.   
“Nah – I don't think so. That would be -”, he shook his head again, slightly amused. But not funny amused. But threateningly amused, if that's a thing. 

“I think you convinced me to break up with my fiance.”, Arthur said. And tried to write that down with his shaking hand. He vaguely remembered a beautiful blond and clumsy woman. And the feeling of distress whenever they met.   
She didn't seem to like him that much either.  
“You told me I was mad for agreeing to an arranged marriage. And you looked – very determined to stop me.” That sounded about right, Arthur decided.

Merlin opened his mouth to say something. He had seen that too after all. But he had no explanation for it. The conversation fell completely flat, as neither of them dared to look at each other.   
“Huh.”, Merlin made at some point and blushed furiously.   
“That's not what I -”

“Expected?”, Arthur finished his sentence. “Yeah. Me neither.”

“We – we could be wrong about that though.”, Merlin pointed out. Rather eagerly, actually.  
Arthur fiddled with his thumb.   
“Yeah – but it kind of makes sense, doesn't it?”, he said and saw Merlin press his lips together. 

“I mean – we both thought the other was familiar, when we met. I even remembered your name. And I won't lie – that never happened before. I forgot everyone's names. The memories came back after they told me. Never before.  
But with you – it was different. That was the first thing that popped into my head.   
And we share so many lost memories.  
And we keep triggering each other. It – it doesn't seem too far of, don't you think?”  
Arthur felt his insides clench a bit. Not unpleasant, but not pleasant either. 

Merlin considered that for a few moments, before he kept fidgeting with his hands again.   
“Maybe -”, he said and bit his lips once more. 

Maybe they were meant to meet again. Maybe they were destined to find each other again?

Arthur felt a bit trapped right at this moment.   
“You know – we don't – we don't have to talk about this right now. I mean – we barely remember anything. We shouldn't set ourselves on expectations or destinies or anything.   
It's – just a possibility. At least we know we're not running of with a complete stranger now, right?”

God, the atmosphere was so awkward. So goddamn awkward.   
Arthur wished he had never -

“Hey-!”, he finally exclaimed, as he realized something. He almost sounded offended. Causing Merlin to jump at the sudden noise. 

“What? What did I say?”, Merlin looked at him with wide eyes. 

“You just changed the topic! You were panicking earlier! We were talking about your traumatic past and then you just went and triggered a memory! Don't think we're done with your struggles, young man.”

“I'm barely two years younger than you!”, Merlin was dumbstruck. Clearly taken aback by Arthur's attempt to redirect the conversation. Far – far away from love and all that junk. 

“You are basically a child!”, Arthur shook his head. And finally, Merlin laughed. Loud. And wholeheartedly.

“You are ridiculous.”, he said but the smile didn't really leave his face. Maybe he too, was glad for a distraction. 

Arthur grinned back and couldn't help but feel a little lighter on the inside. That was the look he had been hoping for.   
“See, that's better.”, he nodded and pointed at Merlin's face. 

And for a second he thought there was something flashing in his eyes. Just like a small memory, of the two of them sitting on wooden floors. Talking almost just like this, while Merlin was cleaning some boots. But that could't be a real memory, right? Because there was a significant difference to the other memories.   
The difference was – this memory didn't hurt. Quite the opposite really.

\-----------------------------------

Day four was letter day.   
In a weird way. Because two letters arrived at almost the same time. One was brought by a knight whose name neither of them knew until he introduced himself as Sir Gareth.  
Another letter came with a dove. 

So both Morgana and Katie had send their letters today.   
Morgana because of her foresight. Katie because of her impatience. 

Morgana's letter was rather short. But it told him a lot about their situation. 

“Dear brother,” she began. But the dear was scratched through, like she hadn't been certain of how to address him correctly. Maybe it was intentional. Maybe she wanted to taunt him. 

“I saw you want to visit. I send Sir Gareth to fetch you. But beware. I saw a shadow following you. Don't come until you got rid of him. I don't trust him.   
I know you can do it. 

'Gana

P.S.: Keep the flower”

Arthur frowned. Morgana loved to keep things short. He send Merlin an uncertain glance. While Sir Gareth practically bored holes into him with his eyes.   
Merlin was the shadow. That riddle was practically a joke. 

But what did she mean by “keep the flower?” Did she mean the flower Merlin had given to Katie... who in return had given it to Arthur?  
If Morgana didn't like Merlin – why would the flower be okay?  
Confusing, really. 

The other letter contained less serious topics. It was basically just a lot of scribble about how much Katie missed him already. And how she wasn't so sure how to address someone in a letter. And that she had named the dove Dave. Because she thought it was a funny name for a Dove.   
Arthur had assumed the Dove was female earlier. Why had he done that? Was that just a random instinct of his? Did Katie know something he didn't? Did she even care?  
Did it even matter? Probably not. 

When he read out the letter to Merlin, he heard the boy laughing every second sentence.   
The letter was long. Very long. At least fifteen times as long as Morgana's had been.   
And much more heartfelt. And decorated with dried flowers and leafs and small drawings of deformed unicorns and stars.  
In the end, they settled on writing back before they would follow Sir Gareth into the unknown. 

“My dearest Katie,”

Arthur began and earned a bright smile from Merlin that made him awfully conscious of that one memory they shared that might have lead to a much different future. Back where they still had their memories. 

Arthur had to admit, he wasn't so good at writing letters, but Merlin helped him out a bit. So they wrote about their way to the forest and that a knight would accompany them to Arthur's other – much much older - sister.   
In the end, Arthur tried to scribble a small picture of Merlin, him and the knight. Because he believed Katie would appreciate the effort, no matter how awful the drawing looked.   
Merlin would tease him endlessly for it later, but the warlock also enchanted the drawing so it would move around a bit. The figures waved at them. 

Soon after that, Dave set off into the distance and disappeared from their path and their minds. 

“So. We can go. “, Arthur finally decided and brushed of the ink from his hands. Bloody ink, always stuck where you least want it.   
He was almost certain he had some in his hair. Merlin's attempts at stifling his laughter surely spoke volumes for that theory.   
Still.... Arthur thought it was kinda nice that Merlin had somehow managed to relax a bit. Maybe he should spill the ink all over his face next time, to stop Merlin from getting into a depressed mood once again. 

Sir Gareth looked between him and Merlin.   
Which was Merlin's cue to stop laughing. Because the knight (traitor knight, by the way, since he ran away with Morgana and abandoned the new king.) wasn't moving, but crossing his arms. 

“What's wrong?”, Arthur asked curiously. But also a bit worried. 

“Milady gave the order to lead you to her alone.”, he sad and nodded pointedly at Merlin once more. 

Arthur frowned. “Merlin is my guest. If he won't come, then I won't either.”  
That had the knight baffled.   
“But –“, then he frowned and walked around Arthur, as if to check for something.   
“You are not enchanted, are you.”, he said. Would he even be able to recognize an enchantment? Had Morgana taught him? Admittedly, that would be impressive.   
“You do know he's the Shadow, right? Camelot's doom?”

Ah yes, another beautiful name for Merlin. Wonderful. Nothing about Merlin was doomy. 

Arthur rolled his eyes. “Yes. I know. I'm not enchanted. Not more than before, at least. If my memory loss has something to do with magic. Who knows?”

Merlin flinched under the gaze of the knight. Which in itself was utterly ridiculous, because Merlin was far more powerful than any knight.   
But that single knight looked very determined. A bit put off by the unusual occasion and certainly not unimpressed. But Merlin's person didn't completely set him into a state of internal and possibly external panic. Like it did to farmers. (Best example were currently Katie's parents.)

Merlin despised violence. Arthur had only known him for a couple of days, and yet he already knew this. It was hard to miss in the way he flinched away from Arthur's jabs.   
Or smiled at randomly passing animals.   
Or frowned at Arthur for demanding they hunt for some meat.   
Merlin was the most pacifistic murderer he ever met. It was strangely endearing. And also very irritating. 

“You wouldn't be able to tell.”, Sir Gareth said and placed himself between Merlin and Arthur. 

“Look, mate. If Morgana won't accept the both of us, then we'll go somewhere where we're welcome.”, he slowly stated. There was no need for Morgana to be so suspicious. 

Then he saw Merlin pale and gape at Arthur.   
He looked awfully pained. It was then, that Arthur realized this was the first time he had mentioned Morgana's name out loud. 

“Your sister is Morgana?”, Merlin asked, and his eyes were wide and utterly terrified.   
“Yeah, why?”, Arthur asked. And expected nothing but the worst. What had Morgana done to this innocent boy that he looked so frightened?

Merlin didn't answer, so Arthur shove Gareth to the side and asked him again.   
“Merlin, do you know Morgana?”

Merlin nodded, then swallowed. “Arthur, I'm so sorry.”  
“Sorry for what?”, Arthur was getting mad. That was not a good sign. He didn't like getting mad. But he hated not knowing things. Being left out of important discussions. Being withheld information. Being lied to.   
Not remembering. It was the worst.   
But Merlin looked to the side with an apology written all over his face, as he decided to be honest. 

“We were friends.” He paused. Then took a deep breath, before he confessed.   
“And I poisoned her.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah yes, finally.   
> the next chapter - chapters - i dunno yet. Will be less angsty, I'm sure. I want them to just spend some time together. It's going to be fluff and it's going to be soft and - well, you'll see soon enough ;)

Merlin looked like he was on the verge of crying. He looked at Arthur like he was the one who was supposed to forgive him. 

Arthur opened his mouth, but no words escaped his lips. They never did when he was confronted with information that made absolutely no sense to him. 

“I don't understand.”, Arthur said. He had the vague feeling this wasn't the first time he said this in a very short time. Not that it mattered anyway. Arthur was usually clueless.   
“Did your king order you to?”  
Merlin shook his head. No? That baffled Arthur. Merlin had killed someone deliberately?  
Also...  
Merlin barely knew Arthur. He had no actual reason to tell him any of this. He had no obligation to do so.   
He didn't owe Arthur an explanation. He didn't owe him his loyalty, nor his honesty. 

“It was a choice.”, Merlin said and hid his face in his hands. Sir Gareth had finally grabbed his weapon, waiting to run Merlin through. But Arthur held him back with his arm.   
Because the mere fact that Merlin ought it reasonable to tell them beforehand showed his courage and his honesty. And more than anything, that he deserved to be listened to. 

“What choice?”, Arthur asked, as Merlin failed to elaborate.   
But a part of him already knew.   
“I don't remember.”, Merlin said and the guilt in his voice echoed through the forest like a secret that was never meant to slip out. 

Arthur blinked. What had Merlin said just yesterday? 'You don't understand, Arthur. I have killed for my destiny, I have betrayed my friends. And I don't even remember.'  
He couldn't be mad at him. Merlin was a good person. He believed it, truly. Had from the moment they met and the boy decided to spare a girl a pointless death. And instead given her a flower.   
A flower which still resided within his cloak. Blue leafs unharmed, as though it was magically kept alive. 

Sir Gareth frowned in anger, his position shifting into a more offensive one. He was ready to fight. But Arthur still hadn't moved.   
Then again, there was a major difference between Sir Gareth and Arthur.   
Sir Gareth had no idea what it was like not to have your memories. To wake up to a place you've never seen before. Where you wonder if anything else that you find vaguely familiar had always been a mere dream. 

Arthur knew how it felt to wake up to strangers in strange places. And while Merlin's experiences were slightly different – and less severe in the amount of time he had lost, they were far more intense.   
Merlin knew he was a murderer. A killer. An assassin. But he lost his reasons, his goals. Why he abandoned himself and his morals. That was worse than Arthur's fate.   
If your past self is forgotten, you can still reinvent yourself. But facing the consequences for actions you took – without knowing why, leaves you utterly unprepared. You can't change yourself, because you don't remember where you went wrong.  
And you will live in fear of repeating the same mistakes again and again.   
It is a circle you cannot break from. 

Arthur felt, it wasn't his place to judge Merlin. And yet, Merlin's sorrowful expression more or less asked for it. 

“You should talk to her.”, is what Arthur said. And it was the most reasonable thing he had to say. 

Merlin looked up, expression turned to something close to doubting Arthur's sanity.   
Sir Gareth stared at Arthur equally baffled. But with more vigor behind his eyes. 

“You can't be serious.”, they both said at the same time. 

Arthur sighed. “Guys, I know my sister. She is a kind hearted person. I know you hurt her, Merlin. Which is exactly why you need to talk. She isn't malicious. If you explain to her as well as you're able, she will understand. She may not forgive you.   
But at least then you tried. And at the very least, you've given her an option to express her feelings on the matter as well.”

Arthur thought, this might have been the wisest thing he's ever said. That was all Merlin could do, really. Hiding from her forever was a very bad idea.   
The longer you hid from Morgana – the worse her revenge will get. Or rather, the harder the pain became that was inflicted on her.   
Not every issue could be resolved. But so far no issue had ever been resolved without trying.

Merlin bit back a retort. 

“I don't think I need to tell you this, again – Arthur. But I will not allow this – thing – to visit milady.”, Sir Gareth interrupted them. 

Arthur frowned unimpressed. “Then you better go and warn her that her brother won't come alone. We'll find her somehow.”  
Merlin was a sorcerer. “You could find her, with your magic I mean- right?”, he asked, just to be sure.   
If Morgana could hide with magic, then surely she could be found by someone who was canonically more powerful than her.

Merlin nodded uncertainly. Which wasn't very reassuring. But he took a deep breath, as he tried to scan Arthur for his intentions. It still ran a shiver down his spine, when those golden eyes were fixed on him.   
And Sir Gareth didn't seem too happy about it either. 

As soon as he just moved to attack Merlin, Arthur reacted instantly. Because he knew Merlin wasn't going to defend himself. Not unless he absolutely had to. It was obvious in his slouched, defenseless posture. In his crossed arms, his narrowed head.   
He looked like a kicked puppy. And Arthur had learned in the past couple of days, Merlin's heart mirrored this stance. 

Arthur grabbed the knight by the sword arm and twisted it around. Causing the man to loose his sword in the process. In a swift motion, Arthur kicked the sword in Merlin's direction, so the young sorcerer could pick it up.   
Merlin's eyes widened, as he avoided the metallic weapon like it would burn him.   
Arthur however, wasn't properly thinking yet, as he had somehow managed to force the trained knight onto his knees.   
He was screaming for mercy. Arm twisted painfully on his back. Arthur let go, eyes wide, as he realized what he was doing. 

Since when -  
“Merlin, please tie him up.”

“Arthur?”  
“Tie him up. Before he attacks you again.”

Merlin was still frozen in shock. “I – I don't have a rope.”  
Arthur turned to him, throwing his arms up. “You're a bloody sorcerer. Just magic one out of thin air or something!”

“Oh, yes, right.”

Seriously, how had this boy survived this long? Wait – hadn't he kind of commanded that army of knights a few days back....?  
What idiot put him in charge?  
Arthur shook his head in amusement, as Merlin gently directed his magic at the heaving knight. Golden strings of light wrapped neatly around his hands and torso.   
“You can leave.”, Merlin said, after he was done and made the last adjustment on the rope.   
“As soon as you're one mile away from us, the rope will open by itself. I hope you're not feeling too uncomfortable.”  
Merlin sounded regretful. 

“He's a knight, Merlin.”, Arthur rolled his eyes once more.

“Oh right.”, Merlin mumbled an additional spell. “In case bandits turn up, they won't be able to notice you now. You should be able to travel safely from here.”  
The knight and Arthur shared a glance.   
“Merlin, are you on the cider?”, Arthur asked. Merlin laughed. “I've literally never been drunk in my entire life.”, he retorted and chuckled.   
Then stopped and frowned. Like there used to be a joke to that statement. A pointe he had simply forgotten.

Sir Gareth looked very miserable now. With the golden tissue stuck in his mouth and the tears in his eyes from the pain Arthur had inflicted on his arm. 

Seriously though – Merlin was supposed to have murdered people? Did he treat all his enemies like this? Did he kill like this?  
How did that work? Was he like 'please sit down, my dear villain. Before you die, would you prefer to be unconscious while I cut your throat? Do you want a sleeping drug? Or maybe a nice dream? I could magic you a nice dream if you want.'  
Arthur shook his head. HONESTLY. That boy couldn't hurt a fly. 

\-----------------------------

They traveled in silence. Just here and there Merlin told him the right direction, as he claimed he could see 'the path ahead.'

It was a rather comfortable silence, actually. But Arthur could feel how anxious Merlin still was.   
“It'll be fine.”, Arthur said, but Merlin just nodded in silence.   
So he wasn't all too assured, so it seemed. 

Morgana's place was far off the forest. But not too far that the day was completely over yet. The sun had merely begun to sink into the distance. And clouds were beginning to cover the sky. It would be raining soon, Arthur thought to himself.   
It hadn't rained all week. It was about time. 

The ruins Arthur's sister had settled on living in were in decent shape. What could it have been before? A small castle? A large farm?  
How long had it been abandoned? How far was it from the next civilization?

Again it hardly mattered, as they passed the abandoned ruins. Merlin fidgeting more and more in his position. It made sense. He was about to face the witch he almost murdered.   
The interesting part about his fidgeting however, was that he kept circling Arthur.   
Maybe he wasn't even aware he did it. But he kept going from one side to the other. Sometimes in front of Arthur, sometimes behind him. Like a guard dog. Always watching out for something that might hurt Arthur.   
It was weirdly distracting. Arthur would be fine. He was just going to talk to Morgana. Merlin was the one who needed to explain something unexplainable and unforgiveable to her. 

“Can you stop that?”, Arthur asked and Merlin jumped at the sudden interruption of his thoughts.   
“Stop what?”  
So it was unintentional then. “Stop worrying about me. And worry about yourself.”, Arthur said and pointed at the sword he had taken from Sir Gareth.   
'I can defend myself.', he said with his eyes, but Merlin scanned him, like he was some kind of defenseless chicken. Not the edible kind. The pet kind. The kind you have to worry about constantly. Maybe this wasn't Arthur's best comparison.   
Merlin's stare was irritating, okay?!

“I'm really the last person I have to worry about.”, Merlin said. Arthur sighed, as they entered what looked like some kind of hall. But with a cave like entrance.   
“Really. And why is that? You want to tell me the rumors are true and you're actually immortal?  
Trust me. There is no such thing as immortality. Even the considered immortals die at some point.”

Merlin was quiet for a few steps, before he answered quietly. “Yes. But we are much harder to kill.”  
Arthur stopped in his tracks to open his mouthed, as Morgana's voice echoed through the hall. 

“You have arrived, dear brother.”, she said. And there was no question that that sentence. Just a mere statement of facts. “And you brought the shadow.” She sighed in disappointment. But not surprise.   
Arthur could practically hear the frown from her voice. 

“Yes. I actually came here to spend some time with you. But apparently, the two of you have a lot to talk about.”

Morgana ignored him. “Didn't I tell you to get rid of the shadow? You shouldn't trust him.”, she said and now she finally stood up.   
She wore a purple dress. Her hair messy as ever. Her skin even paler than Merlin's – who had decided to hide behind Arthur. Seriously, he couldn't figure this boy out.   
Earlier he had been determined to defend Arthur – now he was hiding behind him.   
He was a dog who barked but didn't bite. At least not with his owner around.   
Arthur needed to stop these comparison's – it was getting weird. 

Morgana looked slightly angry. Suspicious of Merlin, as she radiated power from her very stand.   
“Don't be so dramatic, Morgana.”, Arthur sighed and rolled his eyes.   
“We can talk about this. Can I at least say hello first?”, he asked and went over to his sister.   
She sighed and hugged him in a welcoming embrace. But her eyes never left Merlin's cowered form.   
“It's nice to see you.”, Arthur said and emphasized the word 'nice'. If to taunt her or remind her they were supposed to be kind to each other, he wasn't too sure. It counted as a minor warning, he supposed. 

He let go off her and let himself be led into the main hall of the ruins.   
It must have been enchanted or something. Because on the inside it looked much bigger and cozier than on the outside.   
A fire was lit within the occasional fireplace and the seal of the house of Gorlois was pinned right above it. Strange. She wasn't really his daughter – but she loved portraying herself as such.   
Then again …  
Arthur kind of got it. He would be devastated and traumatized too if his father was Uther Pendragon. 

A small table was decorated with candles and some food. Mostly snacks, like apples and bread on wooden plates.  
Arthur smiled, as she gestured at the wide variety or snacks. (Literally – two options.)  
He shrugged and then helped himself to eat something. Merlin sat down next to him. Warily eyeing one of the apples. 

Morgana's frown twisted. “You can eat one, you know. These one's are not poisoned.”  
Merlin – who had his hand outstretched already, pulled it back to his side and lowered his head. 

Arthur sighed and nudged him in the side. He gave him a pointed look.   
Merlin took one more deep breath, before he looked straight at Morgana and said:  
“Morgana, I am deeply – deeply sorry for what I did. Please - “  
He wanted to say more, but Morgana waved at him to stop him mid sentence.   
“I don't care, Merlin.”, she gave Arthur a side glance. 

“You know?”, she asked, but she sounded disbelieving. It was an accurate assumption. A very reasonable one as well. After all, Merlin was already about to apologize and Arthur had given him signs to get on with it.   
Arthur nodded. “He told me everything he knows.”, he said. Well... Arthur guessed that was true.

“So he also told you that he's destined to kill me.”

They heard a plate clatter to the ground. Both looked at Merlin in a startled moment. But ignored it the next.   
Arthur looked intently at Merlin. Merlin was destined to -  
Was that his destiny? Was THAT what Merlin had forgotten? Was THAT why he attempted to murder Morgana? He opened his mouth to say something, but Merlin looked like he was completely taken off guard. 

“I'm what?”, he asked and he sounded so pained that Arthur wanted to drag him out of here immediately. Rather than watching his sister build up magical defenses for herself, so Merlin wouldn't attack her. 

“Emrys. You are destined to be my doom.”, Morgana said. And there was no hatred for his previous attempt audible. Just for the next attempt that she believed certain to come. 

“No.”, Merlin shook his head. “I WOULD KNOW!”, he screamed and stood up again.   
Arthur felt torn. This day escalated rather quickly. Too quickly for his taste at least. 

Morgana frowned, the wrinkles on her forehead even more visible now.   
“Apparently, destiny gives a fuck about what you know or don't know! I want you to leave as soon as possible. Believe me – if Arthur wasn't here and you here as his guest – I would have you killed on sight!” For someone so angry, she surely sounded very much contained. 

Merlin paled even more as he shrunk back into his seat. Defeated.   
Emrys. The greatest warlock to ever walk the earth – defeated by Morgana's silent judgment. Well – maybe not so silent. 

Arthur watched them quietly. Perhaps they couldn't stay here after all. Noted.  
“Morgana - “

“No, Arthur. This isn't about you.”

“You literally just said I'm the only reason he's still alive. It is about me, believe me.   
Merlin is a good man -”

“That's what I thought too – before he poisoned me!”, he voice snapped. But she was still holding back, so that was good.   
Poison. Why was it always poison? That seemed to be a very reoccurring thing.   
“Morgana -”, Arthur tried to fix her gaze on him. “I have reason to believe he saved mine.”

The memories in his mind told him he had far more than simply 'reason to believe'. But it was better not to risk anything.   
“Multiple times.”, he added anyway.  
Morgana frowned, as she looked at him. Then at Merlin.   
“That doesn't mean he won't turn his back on you as soon as he gets the chance.” Her tone was calmer now. But still suspicious.   
Morgana acted different than usual. When she visited Gwen, Lancelot and Arthur – she was always more friendly and outgoing. Less reserved as she was now.   
And definitely not as dark. It's like she was two different people. 

“We'll see.”, Arthur decided. Hoping this wouldn't cause a family intern war between them.   
“You're a good man, Arthur. But you're naive. He's going to turn on you sooner or later.”

No. They really couldn't stay here.   
Arthur sighed. They should have been more prepared.  
Merlin was biting his lip once more. There was something however, neither Merlin nor Arthur had calculated. Something that neither of them had considered yet. That they couldn't have been prepared for.  
Though Merlin certainly should have been. 

“Maybe I should just rat him out to the king. I'm sure he'll get you far – far away from me.”  
Arthur's eyes widened.   
“Don't you dare.”, Merlin gasped. But Arthur was getting really – really worried now.   
“You – you know the king?”

“Of course I know him.”, she said and frowned. Merlin paled. So he did know she knew him. He must have forgotten over his inner conflict about murdering people. 

“Morgana, please. Be reasonable!”, Arthur said. Did Morgana even know they were fleeing? He was beginning to panic and he knew if he let that feeling win over his other problems right now – they would have another – bigger problem soon. For example – Arthur had just given away that they were in fact – trying to avoid the king.  
Morgana portrayed an evil smile. “So I take it you don't want him to know where you are?”

Merlin hissed, completely freaking out now. “No.”, he said through gritted teeth. Even in a situation like this – he didn't lie. Bravest. Idiot. Ever.

“And here I thought you were friends with him.”, she shook her head, finally amused.   
“I mean – didn't you help him kill king Uther? I must say that was probably the best thing you've ever done. Magic is finally legal. I am finally free.   
Of course – so are you. But you never cared to share that little secret with me, did you? After all I told you – you hid from me that I wasn't completely alone. You kind of deserve to feel the same fears I did.”  
Her frown darkened again. 

That was really not fair. Arthur shook his head in disbelieve. “What makes you think he doesn't already know how it feels?”, he asked defensively.   
Both Merlin and Morgana now looked at him in confusion.   
“Oh, does he now?”, Morgana said bitterly. 

Arthur sighed. “Listen, Morgana. He's lived in the same Castle with the same secret for almost as long as you knew about your powers. The difference is that he was a commoner and you the king's ward. You may have had a chance to survive his wrath.   
He was just a servant. Uther would have killed him on sight.”

Morgana frowned. Of course she knew that. But that wasn't what she pointed out. “He was the court physician's apprentice, Arthur.”, she retorted slowly. “Not a servant.”  
Arthur closed his eyes for a moment. Why did he feel like he was repeating himself over and over those past few days?  
He kept explaining stuff to people he hardly knew or trusted. And now the one person he did trust hardly listened. It kept getting more and more confusing. 

It was silent for a while. Only the blistering of the fire behind them made the room feel alive and comfortable. Even though the stares were cold and bitter.  
There was so much to resolve between the two of them. Arthur really didn't know where to start. 

“Morgana. Please. Can you do me this one favor and not rat us out to the king?”

Morgana looked at the ceiling, then tapped her fingers on the table. “I don't know. We wanted to meet up next week.”, she said. “Lunch, you know. With him and his girlfriend. I keep forgetting her name. What was it – Kara?”  
Merlin mumbled something unintelligible. Morgana rolled her eyes. “I keep telling him that too. Mordred could totally do better.”

'Huh?', Arthur thought. 'Did they just agree on something?'

“Alright. Alright. Fine.”, Morgana sighed. “I warned you, Arthur. Your mistakes are your own. But I swear-”, she pointed at Merlin harshly, “ if anything happens to him, I will revenge my brother!”

Then she rubbed her temples as if to cure an upcoming headache. 'Did she have those too? No. Probably not.'  
It didn't seem like it. She wasn't bending over from the pain. So no memory gaps apparently.  
“I could totally need Emrys gone for a while anyway. To get rid of Agravaine. He keeps interfering our plans with the least usable advice. If Mordred isn't careful, he will take over the throne.”

Arthur's jaw opened slightly. “Okay – I have literally no idea what the hell you are talking about.”, he said.   
Morgana smiled in his direction but sighed once more. Only now did Arthur see how exhausted she was. 

She hadn't visited in a long time.  
She could have easily been queen, if she had wanted to. Arthur knew that. She was Uther's daughter after all.   
But she didn't want to be seen that way. Which is why she ran away from the crown. She told him once, she was driven by revenge as she aided the king's murder. With no person left to take revenge upon, she had lost her reason to want to be queen.   
That didn't mean Arthur knew she met the new king. And his advisor, Agravaine. Though both names sounded vaguely familiar. Who would have thought she was still so deeply involved with royal affairs?

“Maybe you're right dear brother. You should take Emrys and take him far far away from here. Where he cannot harm anyone.”, she kept emphasizing the words 'far far' and 'from here', Arthur noted.  
“Stay away for as long as possible. I will make sure nobody finds you.”  
But she lowered her voice to whisper in Arthur's ear.   
“Keep the flower close to you at all times. It's a charm against magical attacks.”  
'Oh – okay. That explains that message.', Arthur thought and tilted his head. 

With that she stood up once more. Arthur followed her example. Merlin did the same.

“It was nice to see you, Arthur. But I'm afraid it makes more sense for you two to leave as soon as possible. “Write me.”, she said and for the first time since they came here, she actually smiled. She hugged her brother – this time with less hatred in her gesture and send only a small glare at Merlin.   
“If you hurt him in any way, Emrys. I swear – I will have your head.”  
Arthur felt weirdly reassured by her protectiveness. Still. She didn't need to say it.


	6. Chapter 6

Being nervous wasn't something you were trained for as a knight. How to be brave, yes. How to murder people, sadly most definitely, yes. How to protect, how to serve, sure.   
But to be nervous? That was a trait you were naturally required to have to become a knight.   
A knight who wasn't nervous, wasn't careful.   
A knight who wasn't nervous was rash instead. 

Leon prided himself with his ability to cancel out most of his nervousness. That was how he had survived this long.   
He had grown up in Camelot under Uther's reign. And he remembered – let's say most of it.   
He barely remembered how times were before the purge. As he had been maybe five when it began.   
But he remembered the wonder his parents had held for magic before things changed.   
He remembered how his own views shifted, when Uther declared it evil. And how it changed again, when Merlin killed the king against his own will. 

The memory was blurry, as it was for almost everyone. But Leon remembered it had been a council meeting. He remembered a goblet and Merlin speaking of poison.   
And he saw someone being insistent that it wasn't. Something happened and then Merlin was forced to drink from it.   
After that he lost control of his magic. It was so obvious that whatever the goblet contained was what had Merlin under his grasp. But to this day they didn't know exactly what had been in it.   
It must have been enchanted.   
Then again – that day – no sorcerer had been present. Apart from Merlin, of course.

Leon sighed. No really. Not even the one who called himself king today.   
The man who was sitting on the throne now was the one who enchanted the goblet - that much was true. But he was hardly the man in control of the kingdom.   
That man was another. The one who held the strings over the kingdom – the man who demanded wars and kept killing innocent people. Regardless of magic for once -  
Was the royal advisor.   
Not that it was a surprise, really. Often, kings were deluded in their actions. Manipulated by snakes and rats who invaded the Castle's like pests. 

That was why Leon was still here. Mordred was king. And he was a sorcerer. He was young. He made many mistakes. Rash and uninformed ones. He used Merlin for decisions he made based on falsely placed advice from Agravaine. Because of course it was Agravaine. Who knew the kingdom and it's rulers better than Agravaine? Who was practically raised to usurp a king, since he was never meant to inherit a throne?

Leon had to keep as many people safe as possible. He needed to give the king reasonable advice to counter the toxic input Agravaine had to give.   
It helped to have Merlin on his side. As the former court physician apprentice had a way to get to the king. Try and balance him out. Merlin knew things most people didn't. And Merlin did his best to help Mordred in any way he could. Mordred's trust in him was devided. Which is why he made Merlin unable to lie to him.

Merlin still helped him. Because they were kin. And Merlin understood his struggles. Merlin was too empathetic for his own good.  
It was difficult to support him, especially on Merlin himself. As he tried to help the very man who took his freedom away. And who ordered him to kill against his nature. 

Leon and Merlin had managed to evade some wars that Agravaine was trying to plant. But they had lost many other verbal battles. 

Another factor that made Leon's life so much more difficult – was the only person Agravaine trusted. And that person was the most difficult of them all, because Mordred loved her.   
Kara was the poison to Merlin's antidote. She was the dagger to his shield. 

She was even more dangerous than Agravaine himself. Because she reached Mordred were no one else could. At his heart.   
Agravaine had made the plans to overthrow Uther Pendragon. But it was Kara who convinced Mordred to do it. 

Merlin and Leon both hardly slept anymore. Merlin kept having nightmares of people dying because of him. More than just him killing them. No – it was more than that.   
Merlin kept thinking he had abandoned his people. Camelot. The king.   
Though it was still a mystery to Leon how Merlin ever came to protect Uther in the first place. 

Leon had been ordered to keep an eye on Merlin and make sure the king knew when something was up.   
Right now – Leon was about to lie to the king. And not only that – he had to do it alone.   
He had to fight the wars against Agravaine and Kara all by himself. It was a risk. Only to get Merlin away from here. They didn't even have a plan to get Merlin ready to fight Mordred.   
No, far from it.   
Getting Merlin away from here was throwing away the kingdom's most powerful weapon.   
Leon knew it would be a pain to explain all this.   
And he knew their little lie was far from flawless. At the very least – Leon should have accompanied them. To make the lie more realistic.   
Since it was Leon's job to look after the runaway sorcerer. 

But Leon couldn't leave the kingdom unprotected. He couldn't leave Mordred to Kara's and Agravaine's manipulative ways. 

“Sir Leon.”, Mordred nodded as he saw his first knight hesitantly approaching.   
“Welcome back.” The man smiled. But Mordred's smiles, though genuine, never failed to make Leon shiver in his position.   
He was the first knight. And yet he was completely powerless.   
Well – not completely. 

Agravaine already stood next to Mordred, sorting through the reports Leon had send to Mordred.   
Leon bit his lip. To convince Mordred of their little lie was one thing.   
To convince Agravaine – that was on a completely different level. 

“I see your mission has been fruitful. You have found a lead to find prince Arthur?”, Agravaine asked. But his frown was tilted in doubt.   
Leon swallowed. This was the moment he had dreaded. 

“Yes, my lord. We believe he might be on the run. Emrys and I have discussed it would make the most sense for him to chase after the lead. Since he is the only one equipped enough to find him. Of course, if you decide this choice unwise, we will send a letter to him to make him return immediately.   
We just feared we may loose our lead, if we left no one behind.”

Agravaine grumbled displeased, while Mordred's eyes lit up a bit. 

These rumors about this boy were so far fetched. And varied so much – it was hard to keep track of all of them. Some said he was the one who killed the king. Some said he made Emrys do it. Others said Emrys was his friend and made the choice for him.   
Again others said he wasn't involved at all. Other said he himself was Arthur in disguise. The last one made absolutely no sense, but the conspiracy about it was quite popular. 

“How long do you think he will need?”, Mordred asked. “I'm sure he'll come back soon?”  
Mordred had taken a strange liking to Merlin. To Leon's irritation, Kara's disappointment and Agravaine's annoyance.   
The other way around was much different. Then again – who would blame Merlin for it, right?

Leon inhaled a deep breath. “According to how vague the lead is – well. I believe it will take a while.”

Agravaine shook his head, as Mordred's head sunk into himself. Like a turtle, Leon thought.   
“My lord, I am sure he will soon find out how pointless the lead is. As Arthur Pendragon never existed.”

Leon sighed again. Leon hoped that was wrong. He really hoped the man they had found was really Arthur Pendragon. And as soon as he regained his memories he would find a way to get back to Camelot and become a decent king.   
And he liked that Agravaine didn't feel threatened by the prince. Because Agravaine was Ygraine's brother and therefore had been in Camelot for a very long time. If he didn't feel threatened, that meant Arthur might actually have a chance to come back and safe them all.   
Then again - If anyone should know if Arthur existed at all, it was Agravaine. And that was exactly what worried Leon. Because Agravaine claimed he knew nothing of him. 

Mordred sighed. “Are you at this again? We have found the birth certificate between Uther's things. We have portraits that claim his existence -”  
“Yes. And he looks far too pretty on each and every single one of them.”, Agravaine rolled his eyes.   
Leon frowned. Those portraits had been burned. All of them. So no man could come and claim to be the king's son simply by comparing his looks with the painted versions of the prince.  
“Still!”, Mordred exclaimed. “We have reason to believe he exists. And I will not rest until we are sure he doesn't!”

“Spoken like a wise king.”, a woman said, as she entered the throne room. The guards watching repositioned their lance's to make themselves look stronger.   
Kara preferred strong leadership above everyone else. Leon was fairly certain the only reason she was here was because she wanted to be queen.   
He doubted her loyalty to Mordred was ever strong enough for her words to be genuine. 

She sat down on Mordred's lap, like she belonged there. And maybe she did. Yet, Leon found her antics respectless and daunting.

“I know my sister. And I remember clearly how she and Uther spoke of the fact that she could not receive a child. And if this Arthur is not the son of Uther and Ygraine – then I assure you his claims to the throne are as much as invalid. An illegitimate child has as much claim to the throne as any royal. Or the Druid king.”, Agravaine send Mordred a smile that the man himself must think assuring and kind.   
Leon was reminded of a frog who opened his mouth to devour a cricket. And called it a smile.

Mordred sighed and kissed Kara on her cheek.   
“Yes yes. I know I know. Still. We need to be certain. I will give Emrys a month. Not a day longer, understood!”

Leon nodded and bowed. A month. That was longer than what he had expected Merlin to get. And yet far less than what they needed. But right now his opponents outnumbered him.   
He had a month to figure out how to outsmart them.   
“Yes. Thank you, Sire. I will send word to him as soon as I am able.”

“Thank you Sir Leon. If there is anything he needs, please inform me immediately.”

“Yes, Sire.”, Leon bowed again.  
What they really needed was an ally. Or rather yet – a miracle. 

\-------------------------------------

Once again, Merlin was awfully quiet. Shame was written all over his face. As well as regret and self hatred and all that negative junk that didn't help them at all.   
They had made camp at the border of whatever was Morgana's land and whatever came after.   
Arthur was bad with orientation. Not that he would ever admit it out loud.   
Just minutes ago the last letter of letter day had arrived and they reached word fromCamelot how much time they had to flee. The letter was brought by a magical pidgeon. It held the royal seal and Merlin's alternate name in fine cursive letters. Leon's handwriting.  
How Arthur knew it was Leon's handwriting – he wasn't sure.

A month. They had a whole month. And Leon was working on getting them even more time.   
The real question was – where would they go?  
Could they even risk staying at the same place for more than a week?  
Could they find save haven in Camelot or would they have to cross the border?  
Was it wise to visit Merlin's mother or was that a risk they couldn't take. Since that would be the first place for Camelot knights to search as soon as the first month was over. 

“Maybe I should go back to Camelot.”, Merlin finally said. “Tell them I found nothing.”

Arthur shook his head. This was ridiculous.  
“You can't lie to the king, remember?”, Arthur rolled his eyes. He was picking at the fish they were roasting over the fire. Even though Arthur was pretty sure that thing was hardly edible.   
But Merlin had insisted it would be tasty. 

“Maybe lying will be reason enough for them to banish me.”  
“Or get you killed.”  
“They can't kill me. I'm immortal, remember?”  
“What if they order you to die?”

Merlin actually snorted at that. Yeah – loopholes in magical contracts. How did those work?  
Would Merlin just – drop dead at the order? Would he try stabbing himself for the rest of eternity, failing each time?  
Would he find ways to kill himself? It was all so goddamn vague. 

Merlin shook his head without an answer. But there was a smile playing on his lips.   
Arthur sighed in relief. At least Merlin wasn't completely determined to get himself killed yet. That was good. That was a very good sign. 

“What do you usually do to cheer yourself up?”, Arthur finally asked. Because he was at a serious loss for words. Then he remembered what they were actually supposed to be doing and reworded his question.   
“If you had a choice to go wherever you want – where would you go?”

“Home.”, Merlin didn't even miss a beat as he said that.   
Arthur sighed. “Do you think visiting your mother was such a -”

“I meant Camelot.”, Merlin said slowly. Arthur blinked. “You want to go to Camelot? NOW?”

Merlin's head snapped back at him. “What? NO! Of course not! Just -”, he sighed.   
“Before all this happened -”, he threw up his arms, but somehow Arthur knew he was speaking of before Uther's death.   
“Camelot had been my home. I want THAT back.”

Arthur contemplated for a second, before he answered. “I asked where you want to go. Not when.”, he reminded him. Though it had him wondering. Because Merlin had been hiding who he was back then. Who would want to go back to a time where they couldn't even be themselves?

Merlin looked at him sadly. “I would like to …. go to live somewhere at a lake. With mountains and flowers and farms. Where things are peaceful. No bandits. No kings. No knights. No orders. Just a simple farm life. It's what Freya and I had planned before she died.”

Arthur saw the tears forming in Merlin's eyes. “Was she your girlfriend?”, he asked and felt a pang of empathy in his chest.   
“Yes.”, Merlin nodded. “She was cursed.”, he said and then frowned painfully. 

“How did she die?” Arthur didn't ask about the curse. Frankly speaking – most people in this world were cursed. And Arthur didn't want to dwell on unimportant things.

Merlin stared into the fire – realization hitting him full force. “She – she was killed. By a knight. I think.”, he said.   
“You think? What did he look like?”  
“I don't remember.”, Merlin whispered. And it wasn't a – 'I wasn't there when she died'. It wasn't a – 'someone told me' kind of 'I don't remember.' It was the same kind he had used to admit that he didn't remember why he betrayed Morgana. 

Arthur felt even worse now. Merlin's fate seemed to be getting worse and worse with every day they shared.   
Merlin deserved better than this. Much – much better. He deserved to live the peaceful life that he wanted. He deserved to find happiness.   
Arthur knew, if he could – he would do almost anything to give him that. 

“Then let's go and find a place like that.”   
'Brieldier had been a place like that.', Arthur frowned. He remembered the lake he had visited Merlin and Leon all those days ago.   
That was the lake of Avalon. It was the most beautiful lake he knew of. He would love to live there again. But turning back now was a stupid idea, now was it?

Or -

“Say, Merlin. What did you think of the lake back in Brieldier?”  
It had mountains. It had fields. Wild flowers. All the kinds that Merlin seemed to love. 

Merlin smiled. “We can't go back there.”, Merlin said. 

“No. No, you're right. I know.”, Arthur said slowly. “But the lake is quite large. It reaches all the way to Kinden. It's a village close to the border of Essetir.  
It's still in Camelot, and it's the exact oppisite side of the lake. You could walk for a day and you'd already be in Ealdor. Where your mother lives. We would both be close to home AND we'd be living at a lake!”

Merlin's eyes widened in curiosity. Arthur didn't need to know him to see that the idea struck a chord with him.   
“Also – neither of us has literally any obvious reason to choose that village. It would be hard for the knights to find us. Not to mention that the people there are only farmers. They barely trade anything. They just do their taxes and that's all they do.   
We could live in the forest at the lake. ….”  
The more Arthur talked about it – the more interesting his idea sounded to him. And he could see Merlin's eyes lightening up as Arthur made plans.   
Plans of living together in peace and silence. Just the two of them on the run. Hidden behind trees in small huts. Fishing and farming and just be free.

“I would love that.”, Merlin finally said with a smile so bright it made Arthur's insides feel warm and giddy with excitement. 

The ride to Kinden would take at least two more days. But Arthur didn't care. He knew Merlin didn't either. 

What he did care about though – was the way he just felt. Giddy. Happy. Like a child.   
Alive. And content with what little options they had. In fact – it didn't really matter what they were about to do.  
Which was odd. Because the reason he had left Lancelot and Gwen was – that he felt wrong there. Like what he did didn't even matter.   
He felt incomplete and useless. And not at all like he was himself.   
It was this – this one blissful moment that made him realize just how content he was now compared to a week ago.   
He hadn't done more than before. He hadn't even found himself yet. He didn't even have a home at all. Nothing had really changed....  
But he felt like he existed. 

Like – how could he explain that feeling to anyone?   
In the grand scheme that was the world he never really mattered at all. He didn't with his landlady, he didn't now.   
With Merlin – with that smile – suddenly it was the other way around. The grand scheme of the world didn't matter to him.  
It was such a small moment. Such a simple gesture – and yet Arthur felt like his world was beginning to spin.   
This time in the right direction. 

\-------------------------------------------

“Can't you just – magic the house to build itself?”, Arthur asked and huffed as he tried to load the carriage with lots and lots of stones.   
Merlin was helping him as much as he could. With his fragile posture, his lack of sleep and his awful habit of starving himself rather than eat the animals Arthur hunted, it wasn't all that much.   
“Maybe. But it would be less fun.”, Merlin retorted and actually used magic to do his fair share of work. 

“Really.”, Arthur huffed. They had made it to Kinden after three more days. Merlin had insisted not to rush their travel. And they even managed to evade the bandits that Arthur was sure they would encounter.  
Not that they needed to be afraid. Merlin just needed to glare at people to make them go away.   
Though, admittedly, Arthur tended to forget about that part.   
“And what is fun about working?”

Merlin laughed. “Aren't you a farmer? You sound like a real prat.”  
He shook his head. Arthur rolled his eyes.   
The sounds around them faded, the colors blurred. Arthur took a hissing breath and he heard Merlin do the same.   
A sharp pain, which they tried to breathe through. And then an image. Arthur wearing chain mail.  
A maze over his head as he attacked Merlin. But both of them were smiling, grinning, teasing.   
Merlin in servants clothes. That red scarf around his neck. But of much worse quality then the one he wore now. (The new one had golden threads stitched into it.)

It was just an image. Less than a conversation. They both shook their heads, trying to shake off that awful pain in their heads.   
“I'll correct myself.”, Merlin finally said – but there was no regret in his voice. No apology. Just simple malice and teasing fun.   
“You are a royal one.”

Arthur laughed at that. “Oh yeah?”, he said, but hardly needed to insult Merlin, as he already grabbed the nearest object and actually threw it at him.   
Which happened to be his bag with their food. 

“Thanks for proving my point!”, Merlin dodged, and the bag flew somewhere into the near grass.   
Random villagers watched them, as they walked by. Some of them whom Arthur recognized from the tavern they stayed in until their house was built.   
Merlin had quite a lot of money for a servant. Which he used to pay their stay with. Then again – he was not a servant anymore.   
Few faces had recognized him. But those who did had decided to keep quiet and wisely refused to approach them. 

Not that they COULD do anything anyway. 

They shared a room. With two beds. Usually they would have gotten separate rooms, but Merlin wanted to spend as little money as possible. And he didn't want to risk Arthur being kidnapped for hanging out with the shadow or something.   
Merlin was a strange one. Like a guard dog. Then again – Arthur too – wanted to make sure Merlin was safe.   
He slept with his sword next to his bed. Which felt kind of natural to him. Now with that new image in his head – he believed he knew why.   
Had he truly been a knight? That would explain how he had managed to overwhelm Sir Gareth.   
Speaking of which – hopefully the man made it back to Morgana safely. 

“Next time I'll throw water over you!”, Arthur grinned, hand already reaching for the water bucket that stood near the well. The same place were they were gathering the stones. Fortunate how close they were here.   
“I dare you!”, Merlin almost shrieked and used his magic to make the bucket fly far far away from Arthur. With far away he meant inches over his head. 

“Are you serious.”, Arthur snorted, as the bucket spun from side to side dangerously.   
Merlin frowned, tilting his chin in thought, as his eyes followed the bucket. They were bright golden. A sight that still caught Arthur off guard every time.   
“Yes. Yes I think I am.”, Merlin said and a second later Arthur was soaked wet, a bucket hanging deep into his eyes. 

“I hate you.”, Arthur mumbled, but he didn't sound mad. It was a hot day. They had been working for hours. This one actually had a nice side effect.   
It cooled him down. 

“No I don't think so.”, Merlin said. But Arthur already threw the bucket away and chased after him. Merlin fast on his toes as they all through the village. Startling some of the villagers and made children laugh and chicken run for their lives.   
If things would keep continuing like this – Arthur thought – then maybe they didn't really need to worry.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, finally introducing one of my favorite characters :)

Help came about a week later. And Leon would never have thought to see her ever again.  
Morgana's presence had always been something to behold.   
With her black hair, her more often than not green dress, her neatly applied make up, she had always had a sense of a queen around her. A sense of a powerful warrior. Only her kindness hardly ever fitted that first impression. 

Ever since Uther died – things had changed. She no longer wore green but black. Her hair wasn't neatly bound in a bun but loose in their natural waves. Uncombed and messy and dangerous.   
Her makeup was darker, more contrasting.   
The power had increased. And her will become sturdy. She was more than a warrior now. She was a priestess. Not a queen –but a goddess. It was'nt kindness she held anymore. It felt more like mercy upon your head. 

She lived in a cave – and yet nobody considered her a hermit or a weirdo. No. Morgana Pendragon was terrifying.   
In the most beautiful sense. 

And what was even more terrifying – both Agravaine and Kara feared her.   
Leon hadn't even thought about this. Never dared to hope that Morgana would ever come and speak her opinion to Mordred.   
Who valued her opinion above all others. Even more than Kara's. If that was somehow possible.   
At least that was what Leon saw, when Morgana entered the halls of Camelot and Mordred's face lit up like it was Christmas or something.

They had scheduled today for lunch. But for now they would drink some tea first.  
The entire hall was emptied by and from the guards. Only Mordred, Kara and Morgana in one room. Agravaine was send out to take care of a certain problem with the closest blacksmith.   
Who knows what for.   
Leon – surprisingly – was allowed to stay. 

“I heard you've send your little weapon out.” That voice sounded very displeased. It was no secret that Morgana and Emrys weren't on good terms. There was something about a destiny the people mumbled about. But nobody seemed to remember the details of it.   
Not that Merlin would know anything about it.  
Even if Emrys was destined to kill Morgana. In Leon's humble opinion – that was bullshit.   
Merlin would never kill anyone, when he was in his right mind.  
The only thing that made him do it was mind control. Morgana should really look into the question of who would be the one making him do it, rather than simply raging on the poor child.   
The thing was – despite everything, Merlin COULDN'T remember a thing. He just couldn't. Because, when the topic came up, Mordred had ordered Merlin to forget about this destiny and focus on his mission. Ever since then, Merlin had never mentioned Morgana again. It was an order.   
So Merlin couldn't refuse. But Mordred hadn't thought that far ahead. He didn't even realize what he had done.  
What power he held over Merlin. 

Not that that would help them much. Agravaine – by Mordred's orders – held the same power over Emrys. Which made things even worse. 

Morgana was sipping on her tea now. Her lips barely brushing the hot water before she snapped her head away. The cup was steaming – what did she expect? COLD tea?  
Mordred nodded, as he himself made the very same mistake and almost burned himself. “Hot.”, he hissed and almost spilled his cup all over the table.   
Leon had to hold himself back from laughing, as he added milk to his cup.   
Kara saw this and frowned at him. ('Milk? IN TEA? Are you a heathen, Leon?', her look seems to say. Drinking milk with tea is absolutely normal, thank you very much.) Leon sank back into his seat. 

“Yes, yes. We think he has a lead on finding the prince.”, Mordred admitted. Completely ignoring the fact that Morgana moved her head at that vague explanation.   
“You still haven't given up on that, have you?”, she said, but her head was tilted with a different question. 

“Of course not! He is Uther's son! If anyone is a danger to the new laws regarding magic – it would be him. I can't risk him be free and going as he pleases!”

The sad part was that his reasoning was actually quite reasonable.   
Morgana gave him a small smile. “As I've told you before, Mordred. If Arthur Pendragon really does exist – then I would know about it. I would have had to have grown up with him. And I don't recall having a tiny Uther running around and going on my nerves.”  
She send Leon a questioning glance. As if he had the answer to that question that was still on her mind. 

“I know. I know. You guys keep telling me that.”, Mordred sighed. “But a risk is a risk. I'd rather be on the safe side.”  
“Of course.”, Morgana said slowly.

“Actually – Emrys did visit me a couple of days ago.”, she introduced her problem. And Mordred put his cup down in curiosity. “He did?”, he asked, slightly worried. 

“Yes. He – erm – was there with a guy. I was wondering what you know about that. What does he have to do with the prince?”

Leon swallowed deeply. So Morgana saw them. Met them? Who of these himbos thought of that fucking idea?! To visit Morgana of all people? Certainly not Merlin. The boy was very reserved when the topic included Morgana. He liked to avoid her at any cost.   
How much did Morgana know? What did they tell her? Why were they there? Why -  
“Erm -”, Leon spoke up and tried to ignore the look Kara send Morgana. For some reason Kara didn't like her. Maybe it was, because she was Uther's daughter. Maybe it was, because she could have claimed the throne as her own. Maybe, because Mordred had asked her to be queen before he had asked Kara to become HIS queen. 

“The boy – we – er.”, he swallowed, as all attention was directed at himself now.   
“Emrys believes that the boy might have valuable information where prince Arthur may reside. I take it you know him?”  
His words were dangerous – he knew that. But it was better to go with as much truth as possible. Especially since Morgana had her ways not to be lied to. Much like Emrys himself. Lying to sorcerers was always a risk. A risk Leon wasn't comfortable to take right now.

Morgana tilted her head slightly. “The guy -”, she said and emphasized the words meaningfully, “Is a close friend of mine. I didn't know he had such valuable information.”  
She didn't sound trusting at all. More suspicious with every word Leon spoke. But she didn't point it out as obviously as Leon feared she would.   
Morgana waited for Leon's fearful response, as she added with a very intense glare:  
“I certainly didn't think he had the mind for it.”

'Morgana knows about his memory loss.', Leon realized and swallowed deeply.   
“Well – we were just as surprised.”, Leon said and felt himself beginning to sweat. 

“Is there something wrong?”, Mordred asked, oblivious as ever and his eyes traveled between his closest friend and his first knight.  
Morgana's eyes snapped back up into a much kinder expression. 

“No, not at all.”, she said. 'She's lying.', Leon added in his head, blinking away his confusion.   
“I just know him, is all. He is a friend of mine. Almost like a brother you could say.”, her smile returned now.   
“I would trust him with my life.”, she added and nodded at Mordred. “If he really said he has a lead to find this Pendragon kid – then I can't deny the possibility anymore.”  
Mordred's eyes widened. “You believe him?”

Morgana nodded decidedly. “Of course. How long will they be gone?”  
Mordred bit back a smile as he realized that Morgana admitted she could have been wrong about the whole prince ordeal.   
“I've given them a month.”, Mordred said and took another sip of tea. 

Leon couldn't believe his luck. She wasn't ratting them out? Why?

Morgana send a glance in Leon's direction whose face gave nothing away. But his eyes pleaded for her help. Literally begged for more time. Maybe Morgana could sense it.   
“Do you think it is wise to give them only a month?”, she asked. Leon gaped a little. Did she just – know? Or did she read his mind? She could do it, certainly, if she wanted to.

Mordred frowned. “Well – Emrys is my best man when it comes to magic and fighting of threats to the kingdom. Surely I will need him back sooner rather than later.”  
Morgana tapped her chin at that, thinking. “Yes – and no.”, she said and smiled kindly at her friend. 

“What?”, Mordred asked confused.   
“What would you say, if I came back to Camelot for a bit? That life in the cave turns out a lot more dull than I expected. And I would love to spend some time with you again. Like old times.”, she said slowly and Mordred sat up straighter.   
All while Kara's expression turned from annoyed and possibly jealous to alarmed and dreading. 

“I'm sure this mission you send him on would take much longer than you expect. After all – you've had a year to only find someone with a vague idea of where the prince may be. A month to find the actual prince sounds like a wishful dream.   
I've told you before, I wouldn't come back to Camelot as long as Emrys resides here.   
But if he's on a mission anyway -”  
Mordred didn't let her finish and Leon couldn't believe this. 

“Yes, yes! Absolutely!”, Mordred screamed and hugged both Morgana and Kara. His two most favorite yet very different people in the world.   
“Leon, send Emrys a letter to be careful. And take all the time he needs! And tell Agravaine to prepare a banquet! Morgana is here to STAY!”  
Leon smiled with so much relief, he could have joined in on the hug, if Morgana wasn't still eyeing him suspiciously.   
“Yes, yes my lord.”, Leon said and immediately left the room. This was definitely a reason to celebrate.   
He knew he would have to discuss the details with Morgana later. But that was hardly a hard price to pay in exchange for more time. 

\-----------------------------------------------------

“In the deep forests of Camelot – close to where Avalon resides was found a stone.”, the man whispered to the gathering crowd.   
“A stone with a story remarked into it.”  
The children shifted in their seating positions. While older men with jugs of ale only listened because they were too drunk to question these kind of legends. 

“A story about a king. The one and true king of Camelot. The once and future king.”

“Sorry, mate. What was so great about that stone again?”, a man asked. He had a rather unbalanced stand. Then again he was probably drunk. He had provoking eyes, not unkind but not to mess with either. 

The storyteller nodded and pointed at him. “Pushed into that stone is a legendary sword!”, he said ominously.   
“Wow – great story.”, the man replied and chucked down another sip of his mug. Only to be disappointed when he realized it was empty. He through the mug away. 

The storyteller laughed. “You don't understand, young man. Only the true king of Camelot can pull the sword from the stone. Many have tried. All of them have failed. And believe me – those men weren't on the weak side.”, he winked and the children around him stared at him in wonder.   
“The once and future king is destined to bring magic back to this realm and -”

A child spoke up against his manners. “Do you think king Mordred could pull the sword from the stone? Is Mordred the once and future king? He DID bring magic back!”

The drunk man tapped back and forth as he contemplated that suggestion.   
“Who the hell is Mordred?”, he asked confused, but only earned laughter for that. The storyteller shook his head. “Young man – who are you that you haven't heard of Camelot's new king?”

“New king? What the hell are you talking about?”

“Haven't you heard – king Uther was killed. About a year ago.”, the storyteller looked more annoyed than amused now. 

“So – Arthur is king now.”, the man said slowly, waving from side to side. 

“My boy, you must be drunk out of your mind. Prince Arthur is a legend. He doesn't exist.”

“Weren't you just talking about a legendary stone sword of something?”, the man retorted.   
The storyteller huffed. “The sword does exist, I saw it with my own eyes.”

The man shook his head. “And I met prince Arthur. He's a good man.”

“There is no reason for you to be sarcastic. Mordred is king. And neither of us would have it any other way.”

The man frowned. “Really -”, he said and shook his head in irritation. “I wasn't being sarcastic. Arthur is my friend. We've gone on adventures together. I know him. I met him. He's not a legend – he is a man. And a good one. One of the few good royal bastards. If that kind exists anyway.”

The storyteller shook his head. “And who are you -”, he scanned the man's clothes like that would give him away. “-that you can claim to be the only person in the world who has ever known the mysterious prince who never existed? Where do you even come from?”

The drunk man looked from one person to the other, as he began to sober up. They were serious. They stared at him like he was the mad one.   
“My name is Gwaine.”, he said slowly. “I'm from Caerlon.”

“Well then, Sir Gwaine -”, the storyteller said mockingly. “Why don't YOU tell us about the ghost prince of Camelot?”

“How about YOU tell me who this Mordred guy is first.”

\-------------------------------------------------------

It had taken them two weeks to build up the house. Mostly because it was a small one. And because Merlin had decided to be a reasonable sorcerer and use his magic to build it.   
He was ridiculous. For days he had taunted Arthur – made fun of him by ordering him to work manually on the house. 

“Arthur! Arthur, wake up!”, Merlin desperately shouted at him at the last day, causing Arthur to reach for his sword like it was some sort of in build self defense system. Where did that come from?  
“You've slept for five days! I had to build up the entire house by myself!”

Arthur blinked dumbfounded, as he stared into Merlin's face. Who was crouching right in front of him. “Are we being attacked?”, he asked confused. Because he was fairy certain he hadn't slept for five days. If that were true – then his plants wouldn't still look the same way they had five minutes ago.   
One thing was true though. The house was already build up. They would finally move out of the inn then. Good timing. Merlin's pocket money was running out anyway. 

“Did you seriously wait two weeks to make that joke?”, Arthur said with a disgruntled face. But more because Merlin woke him up. Rather than him trying to prank Arthur. His pranks were hardly pranks anyway. Actually, Merlin's pranks were kind of nice. They never failed to make Arthur smile.   
He smiled a lot around Merlin, Arthur noticed.   
“What do you mean? You slept for five days, not two weeks.”, Merlin shook his head in a mockingly defensive tone. 

“You're the worst liar I've ever met, Merlin.”, Arthur snorted and sat up again.   
“Seriously though. You could have done this weeks ago.”, he pointed at the house. It stood sturdy and perfectly. Surrounded by trees. And only far enough from the lake so it wouldn't be flooded if it rained too much.   
Wild flowers bloomed all around it and the forest breathed alive where Merlin's magic touched it. Arthur could even see a small bunny hopping around one of the small bushes in the distance. 

“Are you suggesting, I should have done all this work by myself? I'm not your servant, you know!”, Merlin rolled his eyes, but didn't deny his awful humor.   
“Maybe you were.”, Arthur pointed out and stretched himself.   
“In another life, maybe.”, Merlin rolled his eyes. “Who would want to serve you?”

“Who would run away with me?”, Arthur gave back but froze at the sentence. Merlin did too and blinked.   
'Why WOULD he run away with me?', Arthur thought. It should be obvious from the weeks they had spend together. From all the things they had told each other.   
And yet – other than 'I felt I knew you from somewhere' there was no other explanation.  
That and Arthur's 'I want to know who I was.' Which he realized he didn't care as much about as he initially thought. It was strange. Since they got here, Arthur wasn't in a rush anymore. 

These vague explanations they had was all they went with. Arthur shook off the thought to concentrate on more important topics of the day. 

“What has you so happy jumping about anyway?”, he finally asked, but Merlin only grinned as he held out a letter.   
“Leon wrote?”, Arthur asked as he recognized the handwriting.   
“Yes. Him and Morgana. Your sister is stepping in for us. We have as much time as we need to find the prince.”, Merlin said and beamed. 

Arthur opened his mouth to say something. That – really were good news. Up until now, he had feared they would only have like – a week or so left to stay here.  
(And yes, he had actually feared it. It's been two weeks full of work. And Arthur already dreaded the day they would have to leave again.)   
After they had just build up their life together. On the run forever, he had thought it would be from then.   
But they had more time now? An infinite amount of time, too? That hardly sounded real.

No wonder Merlin was smil– 'I like his smile.'  
Arthur blinked. And tried to shake off that thought. Shouldn't be too hard. He had done this like this for the past couple of days as well. The thought was reoccurring and repetitive.   
Arthur assumed, it might be feelings resurfacing from their memories. Maybe he would remember their previous relationship soon enough.   
It was the only thing he would give their current one up for. 

'Wait a second – did I just -” Arthur shook his head again, trying to shake off the thought.   
“Come on, you dollophead!”, Merlin finally pulled him to his feet. Eyes wide with the promise of freedom. It looked good on him. Being so happy.   
Arthur decided that was how he liked Merlin best. Happy. 

“We have to pay the inn keeper. And we need to get our stuff.”

And so they did. The ride to the village wasn't long. It barely took an hour to get there by foot. And yet they knew people avoided the forest. Only then and there they saw someone walking by with their sheep who were lead to another field. And maybe a happy dog at their side. 

The entire way there and the entire way back, Arthur and Merlin talked and bickered. And commented on flowers and people. They talked about Morgana – about Merlin's forgotten destiny... all these things. 

And when they returned, they continued talking, this time with bags of rations and their few possessions hanging over their shoulders.   
Arthur liked these moments. Which had come to increase in number. While Merlin had been all quiet and still the first few days – he had slowly begun to open up more and more as he realized that Arthur was listening. But not judging.   
And sometimes that is all a person needs to learn to come out of their shell.   
And now – with Leon's letter as a message of hope – Merlin was chatting away like Arthur wasn't even there. And yet the only reason he was talking at all.

And Arthur felt – as much as it annoyed him sometimes – he had hardly ever felt this content in his life.   
He carefully held the memory jar in his hands. For days he hadn't remembered much. Then again – maybe they had run out of triggering situations. Building up houses might not have been part of his former – apparently royal life.  
Only in the evening he sometimes had flashbacks. Mostly in his dreams. There were small things he suddenly just knew.   
Dream flashbacks were Arthur's favorite. They hurt a lot less. 

Arthur had put the tiny blue flower inside the Memory Jar. It was glowing from within, on top of all the tiny scrolls. Arthur had almost laughed as he had finally recognized the type of flower he held in his hand.   
It was a forgetmenot.   
How ironic. 

That's when it happened again. A sharp pain that pushed the air out of his lungs as a memory resurfaced.  
Merlin stopped, he himself hadn't had a revelation in quite some time either.   
“Arthur?”, he asked, worry lining his expression. 

But it overlay with the memory that came to Arthur's mind.   
“Why can't you admit that you like her?”, memory Merlin said and Arthur frowned. 'Her?', he asked himself confused and it surprisingly felt like his memory self was thinking the same thing. 

“How could I?”, Memory Arthur desperately said. “How can I admit that – I think about her all the time?” His memory memories shifted. They were supposed to hold a woman – even back then he had known that. He saw Gwen – who was his friend. But he only saw her briefly during his own words, as his concentration shifted to other people as well. Like his mind was searching for another picture. Another person. Because something about the image of Gwen in that context made his head feel uncomfortable.

There were other women. The one with the messy hair that Arthur remembered he had an arranged marriage with, another blond he didn't think he ever liked. Yet another blond one he actually liked hanging around with. There was another one with darker hair and a strange staff in her hand. Was she a sorceress? His memories around her were fuzzy.   
But there was one constant that connected all of these women. And it certainly wasn't the blond hair. (Not with Gwen and Sophia in between.)  
On every date, there was Merlin with them. Except for his date with Sophia – but he couldn't remember that date. He only remembered waking up, Merlin and an old man – his name must have been Gaius – at his bed side.  
A second later he saw himself hanging out with the knights. Merlin at his side. As always. Like he belonged there.

“How can I admit that – when we can never be? Knowing that – hurts too much.” That wasn't about a woman. Never was, even though Arthur had pretended it was. Maybe even believed it was.  
Even back then – Arthur had been sure – whatever happened. Merlin would be there. Because - 

Arthur woke up with a gasp. Merlin right there at his side, steadying him so he wouldn't fall over.   
“You had a memory?”, Merlina asked, as Arthur weakly held his head.   
“Yeah.”, he rasped out.   
“What did you see?”  
Arthur turned to him, eyes narrowed as those familiar blue eyes pierced into him. And Arthur felt the strange urge to wipe the worry from Merlin's face. Instead he looked away.   
“You.”, Arthur said without thinking. Without questioning it at all. “I always see you.” 

And maybe he just imagined it, but Merlin was flushing profusely.   
“What was it about?”, Merlin asked further. Curious but also a little embarrassed.  
“Love.”, Arthur vaguely replied. It intensified Merlin's blush. 'Interesting.', Arthur thought pleased. 

“You – do you think you were in love with me?”, Merlin asked nervously. Fidgeting with his hands. This wasn't the first time they talked about something like this. It made sense for Merlin to ask this. But it sounded wrong somehow. Something about the time -

“I think – I still am.”, Arthur thought.   
'That sounds better.' But the thought itself surprised him.   
'Wait a second.', Arthur's head continued. 'Do I really?'  
Merlin gaped at him. Eyes wide.   
Now Arthur flinched away as he realized something else. Something – worth mentioning. “Did I say that out loud?”, he asked, heart beat increasing heavily. He had NOT meant to do that. Not meant to SAY it. He hadn't even registered it for himself yet! How could he just -

“I -”, Arthur was at a loss for words. Too confused in his own head to find a proper response. 

“Maybe – we – er -”, Merlin said slowly, but didn't stop staring at him.   
“We should go - home.”, he added lamely.   
“Yeah.”, Arthur said, finally looking at Merlin again. His nerves were killing him. 

“Your head is all confused. Dizzy – from remembering you know -”, Merlin stuttered nervously. Arthur hated how that made his heart constrict.   
“Yeah probably.”, he said. Because he would be a fool not to take the excuse Merlin so willingly granted him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are getting closer to the final D: In here you will find a major time skip. This may be lazy writing - but I needed a reasonable amount of time for Merlin and Arthur to be gone together for like ..... future ... purposes.  
> I always begin stories with a certain idea in my head. And believe it or not - we haven't yet reached that vision. For me - this is all just pre text.  
> D: I really hope this will turn out the way I want it to ^^
> 
> You can find my art on tumblr (@changelink)  
> Or instagram (@changelink23)  
> Or wattpad (@changelink23)  
> Maybe I just am changelink. Maybe I should change my username here as well to be easier to find XD What do you think?

“What if I am the prince?”  
Merlin and Arthur hadn't spoken in a while. And with a while they meant about two hours. It felt like an eternity though.  
Arthur had sat down at the lake – trying to catch his breath, while Merlin was panicking because of the sudden confession.  
“What will you do then?”

It's not that Arthur wanted to avert the attention from their sudden – situation. But a part of him felt like he didn't really care. This wasn't truly about his feelings. He hadn't even recognized them yet. They were just there. They were suffocating, yes. But Arthur wasn't a possessive person. At least not that he knew of. He had convinced himself he would be fine – as long as Merlin didn't throw him out completely.  
And he was certain that Merlin was a better man than the man knew himself. He wouldn't throw Arthur out for maybe being in love with him.

“Why do you even ask that?”, Merlin asked, as he had just arrived at the shore and decided they needed to talk about what happened earlier.

The question itself irritated Arthur. Who wouldn't be? Of course Arthur would be worried. No matter how they moved on from here –  
Arthur could be the prince. That much they had already established before they left Gwaine. It had been just a thought then. But it seemed to make more and more sense, the more memories returned.  
Arthur needed to know how Merlin's view on him would change should it turn out the truth.

But Merlin was just as irritated about Arthur's question. The answer should be obvious – right? Arthur didn't have to ask a question he already knew the answer to, right?

“Because.”, Arthur said and paused. “The prince of Camelot does not exist. Neither do I.  
Everybody forgot everything that has somehow to do with me or the prince.  
You are a warlock who has been in Camelot for years and you forgot that you used to be a servant. The only explanation I can come up for that is – that you were a servant to the prince himself. You must have forgotten, because your position doesn't make sense – when the prince doesn't exist – and -”

“Stop.”  
Arthur closed his mouth and looked at Merlin. His face was twisted painfully. “We've talked about this, Arthur.”

“I know.”, Arthur gave a short response.

“I thought you wanted to talk about what happened earlier?”, Merlin said and pulled his legs closer to himself. The wind rustling through both their hair. The air tasted fresh. But not like salt. The water here was sweet instead.

“I am.” Arthur turned his head to Merlin meaningfully.  
“No you're not. This has nothing to do with earlier!”, Merlin replied.  
“I am. Merlin – don't you see that who I am has everything to do with the fact that I -”, he paused and inhaled a deep breath as Merlin just rubbed his neck embarrassed.  
“I came here to find myself, Merlin. And to figure out who we were together. And this -” he took another deep breath.  
“It would make sense, don't you think?”  
'It would make sense, if I was the prince.', he didn't say. But Merlin knew what he meant.

Merlin looked down. “I don't want to know.”, he said quietly.

Arthur frowned. “Me neither.” A quiet question passed between them. But the silence was not an answer either of them could live with.

“Didn't you just say -”

“I asked if you think it makes sense. I am scared, Merlin.”, Arthur paused again – waiting for a reaction. Which came in Merlin staring at him with an open mouth. Understandable. Arthur wasn't the easily scared type. And Merlin had a feeling that Arthur wasn't afraid of what Merlin would do, if he was the prince. More of the knowledge himself.

It was confirmed by Arthur's explanation: “If I was the prince – don't you think that would be awful?”, Arthur shook his head a little.  
“I would have left the entire kingdom by itself for more than a year. I've always thought of the prince as a coward. Now my head is hinting at the possibility that I AM that coward?  
I don't want this. This responsibility - I have no idea about it.  
And I could never be sure if that truly is who I am. I have nothing to prove it with. Who would believe me? In the end I would just be turned away from the crown as an impostor. Or killed or framed or something like that. I would be unable to ever change anything. It would torture me for the rest of my life to think I should have saved everyone. And realize I never had a chance. I would never have a choice!  
I don't want to be the prince. I really don't.”

Merlin didn't interrupt him. He just listened. And then looked away.  
“I don't want you to be either.”, Merlin finally said. And Arthur smiled at that.  
“Why not.”, he said. But it wasn't a real question. It was an invitation. Merlin should be able to speak his mind as well. That was a right not only reserved for Arthur himself.  
Here they were equals. Merlin should feel okay with sharing his own burdens with Arthur.  
This relationship – whatever it was – whatever is might become – it wasn't a one way ticket.

“Isn't it obvious?”, Merlin chuckled.  
Arthur sighed. “Pretend it isn't.”  
Merlin gave him a look. “I don't want to kill you.”

That did it. Arthur broke out laughing. It wasn't supposed to be funny, really. But it kind of was.  
The context was what made it ridiculous. Here Arthur was – practically ripping his heart out and handing it to Merlin.  
And Merlin returned the favor by giving it back with a genuine thank you.

“Why the hell are you laughing? It isn't funny!”, Merlin tried not to laugh along. But his twitching grin betrayed him.  
“Oh, but it is.”, Arthur said and wiped a tear away.  
The thought 'as if Merlin would ever try to kill me' crossed his mind briefly. But Arthur knew who Merlin was. What he could do. And still – a part of him just knew Merlin never would. Not if he was in his right mind.

“It's really not and you know it. I can't disobey my orders. If you really are the prince – than I'd rather not know – because as soon as I believe it – you will be dead.”  
What a way to suck the humor from a situation. 'Right. Merlin isn't really in his right mind, is he?'

“You really can't?”, Arthur was serious, but his body was still shaking from the afterthought of his laughing outburst.

“No. If I could – I would have done so already.”, Merlin sighed into his knees. He would have rebelled against the current king. That was strangely a relief.

Arthur considered him for a second. “Why can't you?”  
Merlin didn't look up. “I've been enchanted.”, he said matter of factly.  
Arthur frowned. “Really?” 'You?' His gaze seemed to say.  
Merlin nodded. “Yes. If I had been given the choice – I would never have killed Uther Pendragon.  
I tried to get rid of the enchantment. Leon helped me find magic books. Then again – there aren't so many left. I couldn't find the right enchantment. And this particular one is too complicated to just will away with my magic.  
I am a tool to the king and his advisors. I have no control over my own decisions.”

Arthur stunned at that. “You wouldn't have killed Uther Pendragon? But – he persecuted your kind.”

Merlin scowled at that. “All I remember is that I never wanted to harm him. I must have had a reason. But that reason vanished. Along with all the other reasons I had for all the fucked up deeds I've done.”

Arthur bit his bottom lip in thought. “I'm sorry.”, he genuinely said.  
“It's not your fault.”, Merlin genuinely replied.

“You know what – let's just NOT find out who the prince is. Let's never be sure. What was in the past should stay in the past, alright?”, Arthur said and held out his hand for Merlin to take it.  
Merlin looked at his hand than at his face, before his smile set butterflies of in Arthur's chest.  
“Deal.”, Merlin said and grabbed Arthur's hand tightly.  
For a second they locked eyes. Complicated emotions on display, before Merlin pulled his hand away.

They were silent for a few minutes that stretched into hours – before Merlin spoke up again.  
“About earlier -”  
Arthur's head sunk slightly. “Do we have to talk about that now?”  
“Did you really mean it?”, Merlin ignored him.

Arthur watched the water run gently against the shore, before he decided to answer.  
“Honestly – I'm not so sure.”, he said honestly.  
Merlin frowned. He almost looked – disappointed. But maybe that was just wishful thinking on Arthur's behalf.  
“I mean – I was a bit overwhelmed with memory emotions. I'm not sure if it applies to today as well.” Arthur only half dared to look at Merlin who was playing with the white sand around him now.  
Merlin was scowling to himself.

“But I think I'm about to fall for you again.”, Arthur said with a smile.  
Merlin's head shot up in his direction. “That was incredibly sappy. Did you do that on purpose?”  
Arthur laughed. “I'm just a simple man who likes to be true to his heart.”, he said and put his hand on his heart for emphasize.

“Really.”, Merlin smiled back. Torn in his own emotions. Shouldn't he give Arthur an answer already? Did he even HAVE an answer?  
It didn't seem like Arthur was demanding one. He was just stating how he felt.  
Arthur truly was simple like that.

“I'll figure it out. Probably. I mean – we haven't even been here for a month. All I know about you is that you are a useless when it comes to building houses. You have an awful sense of humor, you are so clumsy you're borderline a jester -”

“Geez thank you.”, Merlin rolled his eyes but he was laughing anyway.  
Arthur grinned back, his eyes so fond it almost made Merlin melt inside.  
“But you are also a good man.”, Arthur said softly. “The bravest I ever met, if I dare say so. I mean – I do believe my memory loss could be playing into that impression.”  
He rowed back, as Merlin shook his head. Still smiling wildly.  
“But I really like your smile.”, Arthur again – lost himself as he kept staring at Merlin. Who in response felt his cheeks flush a bit stronger than he thought possible.

“I – don't really know how to answer that.”, Merlin finally responded, shrinking in his position.

“You don't have to. I'm fine just being here for now. You have all the time you need to tell me what you feel.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.”, Arthur said and smiled.

They sat there together until the world turned dark. Hours upon hours. And yet it felt like minutes as the silence turned more and more comfortable.  
It was long passed midnight, when Merlin spoke up again. Hesitating – but determined still.  
“I think I might be falling for you too.”, he said.  
Because Merlin too, was a simple man like that.

\----------------------------------------------

ATTENTION: MAJOR TIME SKIP

“You've got to be kidding me.”, Gwaine said exasperated. He has been back in Camelot for months. Maybe years? Who knew. And yet, he found no sign of Arthur. Or Merlin.  
At least no audible sign. It was said that Arthur had disappeared – if not ceased to exist.  
And Merlin -

Well – it wasn't like people had never heard of Merlin. But suddenly they talked about him as the court physician's apprentice. Which wasn't wrong – but Merlin was Arthur's manservant.  
That was just a fact. And it was the one fact everyone recognized him by.  
Nobody really cared about his other job – which was kind of hard to admit.  
Because to be able to do both – wasn't just rare. It was freaking extraordinary. And nobody ever seemed to recognize Merlin for it. And now it was all they remembered him by? That was fucking ridiculous.

Instead people kept talking about kind Mordred and his shadow – Emrys. A freaking sorcerer.  
Gwaine knew from this moment on: Whoever this shadow guy was – he must have enchanted the kingdom and made Arthur disappear.  
Or maybe Arthur just ran away. That must be it. People said that Merlin had disappeared months ago. Long before Gwaine had returned. Maybe Merlin helped the prince?  
It would make sense. The two of them running away together until Arthur had a plan to get his kingdom back.

Gwen and Lancelot seemed to have disappeared as well. Maybe the four of them hung out together?  
Hanging out – sure.  
Gwaine was slowly getting pissed. He's been searching every town (okay – every tavern of every town) for weeks now. And still no sign of them.

That was until today. When he passed through Brieldier. Well – not passed through.... You know – more like drunkenly stumbled through.

“Gwaine?”  
How Lancelot knew Gwaine? Funny story. They had both left Camelot for a while after befriending Merlin. Lancelot returned sooner than Gwaine did. Something about a girl he really liked.  
But they met in a tavern and bonded over their little shared experience.  
It was kind of funny, since they both came from very different background. The very opposite background actually.  
Lancelot was a commoner who had trained all his life to become a knight. Not knowing that was an impossible wish.  
Gwaine was born a royal. He was supposed to be a knight. Because his father used to be one. Gwaine however – decided against it. Because his moral code was realistic, while Lancelot's was idealistic.

Then again, Lancelot would be the ideal knight, Gwaine had long decided. Lancelot was everything the kinght's code stood for. Honesty, bravery, honor, selflessness.... the list was long.  
Sometimes Gwaine wondered if he could just give Lancelot his own title. He had papers. He had the royal seal. And he didn't want the title himself.  
It would have been so easy to swap their identities. But Lancelot already made his mistake with Uther. And Lancelot wouldn't betray his moral code a second time.

It would have been so cool though. (A.N.: this is a personal opinion.)

“Lancelot? What the hell are you doing here?”, Gwaine asked, but his tone was cheerful. He practically jumped over to hug his friend. Strange – Gwaine didn't have many friends. But something about Lancelot just *clicked* somehow.  
Where did they meet again? Which town was it? Gwaine was pretty sure Lancelot had helped him with a brawl he had with someone...  
But Gwaine had been in so many brawls – he couldn't remember which one.  
Thinking of which – it had been similar with Merlin.

“I could ask you the same thing!”, Lancelot replied with a smile, hugging him back. But not too close – as he avoided Gwaine's breath. Oh yeah – Lancelot didn't drink as much as Gwaine would prefer him to.

“I asked you first!”, Gwaine said with a bright smile and followed Lancelot's silent invitation to follow him inside his house.

“And this is the woman I left Camelot for. And would do it all over again. This is Gwen, my wife.”  
Gwaine's jaw dropped.

“Gwaine?”, Gwen said, looking at him with a mix of confusion and glee.  
“What are you doing here?”

“You two know each other?”, Lancelot asked. But Gwaine blinked rapidly.  
“Wait – you two are married?”, he asked, pointing from Gwen to Lancelot. And then realization hit him. “And you're -”, he pointed at Gwen vaguely.  
“Pregnant? Yes. Again. Charlie is sleeping upstairs.”, Gwen said. It was true. She had a small belly to show already.

“But I thought -”, Gwaine pointed from Gwen to Lancelot.

“What did you think?”, Gwen asked irritated.  
“I thought you were in love with Arthur.” Gwaine shook his head. The reason she had rejected his own advances had been Arthur. He had seen it. Had seen it clear as day!  
They even talked about it a little!  
Gwaine had understood very well why she had been so reluctant to admit it. But when did – THIS happen? Last time he checked Lancelot had been in Camelot before him....  
Seriously this didn't add up.

Gwen laughed. “Arthur?”, then her laughter stopped. “Wait – you met Arthur? Did HE tell you that?” She looked noticeably put off by the mere thought. Did Gwaine say something wrong?

Gwaine felt himself sobering. Which was never a good sign.  
“Yes – the same day I was in Camelot last time?”, he said and felt even more confused now.

“Wait -”, Lancelot stopped him. Ignoring his earlier comment. “You mean – you remember Arthur? From back then?”

Gwaine seriously wanted to punch someone right now.  
“Guys this isn't funny. You know Arthur! Remember? The royal prat that is actually worth dying for?”

“Royal prat? You mean – Arthur is of royal blood?”, Lancelot looked shook.

“Honestly guys – how easy can one forget the prince of Camelot?”

Gwen's eyes widened, then met with Lancelot's. Then she sighed and almost let out a laugh.  
“Oh you meant – prince Arthur. I thought you meant our Arthur.”  
“Our friend.”, Lancelot added to avoid further confusion.

“I don't – I don't understand.”, Gwaine said – confused anyway. “There are two Arthur's?”

Lancelot opened his mouth to say something – but Gwaine held out both his hands to stop him.

“So you are telling me – prince Arthur is a myth even to those who knew him – and you guys somehow adopted a man with the same name – whom nobody remembers.” Because why else would Lancelot ask how Gwaine managed to remember him from 'back then'.

“Let me guess what he looks like. Tall, blond. Wide shoulders, blue eyes. Strangely honorable with a snarky humor at the side -”  
Lancelot blinked. “That does sound like our Arthur, yes.”

“I don't know how you guys see it – but that sounds to me like they are the same person!”  
For a drunk person – that was a pretty good guess, actually. But maybe he made that guess, BECAUSE he was drunk. After all – Gwaine was used to blanking out useless information when he drank. He could make objective observations without bothering to consider hundreds of complicated information that might be controversial to the facts.  
That made him smart in matters of the heart. It helped him look through other people's tactics. It certainly didn't help him create some of his own. Or pay his bills. Or make friends.  
Lancelot opened his mouth and then closed it again.  
“What?”

“Honestly – you've never thought about it? How long are they even gone by now?”

“About – I dunno – two years ago?”, Lancelot said quietly.

Gwen covered her mouth with her hands. “And we let him leave with Emrys? Oh god!”  
Lancelot looked just as panicked and Gwaine knew -  
it was too late. He was sober now.  
“Emrys? You mean -” Gwaine stood straighter now. Hand on his weapon – even though Emrys wasn't even here. It was a reflex.

“YES! Oh god, if we had known what we're risking -” Lancelot began, beginning to pace.

“Where did they go?”

“We don't know!”

“What do you mean you don't know?! You let the prince go away with a known sorcerer? I thought you were a knight!”

“We both know I'm not a knight!”

Gwaine rolled his eyes. “Not on the papers, no. But at heart you are.”

“You don't understand. Emrys is -”

“Guys!”, Gwen finally interrupted. “Katie!”

Gwaine blinked. “Who?”, he asked confused.  
“The girl from down the street! We may not meet up with Arthur – but he writes us weekly! I don't know how – but maybe Katie can give us Dave.”

“Who the hell is Dave?”

“A magical Dove who sends messages to Arthur.”, Gwen explained shortly.  
Gwaine lifted his finger with his mouth pressed to a thin line. “That girl is a genius....”  
Then he stopped. “Wait – did you just say a magical Dove?”  
Lancelot blinked rapidly. “Yes – she's a sorceress.”

“A what?”, Gwaine exclaimed in shock.  
“She's Arthur's friend.” Gwaine raised his eyebrows as far as he dared. 'A sorceress? Arthur's friend? No fucking way.'  
“Oh and what if she's in line with this Emrys guy?”

“She's not.”, Lancelot denied.  
“And how are you so certain?”  
“She's twelve.”, Lancelot deadpanned. Gwaine blinked. “A twelve year old witch?”

Lancelot opened his mouth confused. “And since when is that a problem?”

Gwaine looked around. “I fear I don't understand.”  
Gwaine had grown up in Caerlon. A kingdom similar to Camelot. Their views on magic were much the same as they used to be here.

Lancelot shared a look with Gwen. “Maybe you should sit down.”

“I think we need to explain magic to you.”

“But Emrys -” 'is evil', he wanted to say. But Lancelot seemed to suspect that already.

“Is a sorcerer who did bad things for reasons we don't know about. Arthur trusts him. Which is why we allowed them to leave together.”

Was it possible to have a hangover WHILE you are drunk? Gwaine felt like that was a question he should know the answer to. At least the headache felt familiar.  
“Maybe you guys need to tell me from the beginning.”  
And so they did. They began with the enchanted chalice and ended with Arthur and the memory Jar.  
Not once, however, did they refer to the Shadow as Merlin.  
And their vague explanation about how good magic could be, came of a place without education on the matter. It certainly wasn't enough to convince Gwaine of the true nature of magic.  
Not yet. That role was reserved for someone else.

\----------------------------------

Leon was on watch duty. The day Morgana returned, he had sat her down and asked her about what happened with Arthur and Merlin. And naturally – because she was his only hope – he told her everything he knew as well.  
About Merlin's memory loss that was influenced by Mordred's orders, about the idea that maybe Arthur was the prince...  
“You are telling me – you let my brother go with Emrys of all people – knowing he might be the prince?  
Knowing that Emrys was ordered to kill him?”  
Needless to say – Morgana was furious.

“Do you have any idea where they are?”

“No! I just send them away! I don't want Emrys anywhere near me.”, she said exasperated.

Let's say it was a little difficult for Leon to speak with her. But he watched her those past two years. And not in a creepy way. They just talked here and there and Leon got an impression from it.  
And the impression was – that apart from her appearance, not much had changed.  
There was a bitterness in her heart, true.

But at her core she was still the beautiful young lady who cared about the people of this land.  
She may not show any remorse for Uther's death – but Leon couldn't tell you the name of a single person who would.  
Well – except Merlin perhaps. But only because Uther's death rested on his shoulders.  
Like the poor guy didn't have enough to carry.

She had managed to avoid pointless wars that Agravaine suggested – backed up by Kara.  
She had survived and prevented hundreds of attacks on Mordred. She had enforced their defenses with magical weapons and shields.  
And she made sure the people were well fed.  
All in all – Leon doesn't think he's ever seen Morgana flower like this.  
Then again, flower was a strangely wrong word for Morgana. She wasn't a flower. Not at all.  
But Leon wasn't that creative. All women were flowers, after all.  
All of them beautiful in their own unique way.

Anyway – let's just say poetry wasn't exactly his strong suit.

When I say, Leon was on watch duty, I mean he was watching people Morgana had deemed to be her enemies. And naturally – because she was more observant than Mordred, she had realized who her biggest threats were.  
Naturally – Kara and Agravaine.

This wasn't the first time Leon had seen them conspire. And he was certain this wasn't the last time he would report them to Morgana for trying to get Mordred's favor.

“She needs to GO!”, Agravaine almost shouted. Seriously – the people in the castle – never shy to speak loudly of their evil plans. It truly was a wonder they managed to get away with it so easily.  
“I agree, my Lord.”, Kara stated, her face twisted to a scowl.  
“She has Mordred wrapped around her finger! The war against Mercia is necessary! We NEED those lands!”

'What for?', Leon thought. This certainly wasn't the first time they had mentioned something like this. But they never mentioned what they needed it for.  
“I know.”, Agravaine pinched his nose with his right hand. “It certainly is annoying. The peace treaty cannot continue like this! We have no resources to fight for more lands. But our resources are handed out to them like donations. Doesn't Morgana know what she's doing?”

'So let me get this straight -', Leon took a moment to sum up what he understood from this conversation. 'They want war with Mercia to gather more resources – for more war? What sense does that make?'

Wasn't it enough they had fought so many battles with Caerlon and Essetir, just to establish dominance. Because 'Mordred was an inexperienced king and not feared enough by his enemies?'  
God, Leon hated Agravaine's logic. And that's what Merlin got traumatized for.  
Leon really hoped Merlin was still alright.  
To have Morgana here was a blessing. At least she could make her own decisions. She could refuse pointless wars. Merlin never could.  
“We need to get rid of her.”, Kara finally decided and pulled Leon out of his internal empathy.  
“I agree.”, Agravaine said.  
“She is a high priestess though. Mortal weapons can't kill her.”

Agravaine smiled at that. “Trust me – there are ways to kill immortals – even Morgana doesn't know about.”  
And if his smile alone wasn't indication enough that something was incredibly wrong here – Kara mirrored that evil smirk.  
Leon knew was this meant. This meant war in the inner circles of Camelot. He needed to warn Morgana.  
And fast!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so finally some of these groups are finally meeting up!   
> The plot tightens. Finally i get to write the fun stuff :3  
> It took a while, I know. Like .... was it a week? anyhow. I hope you will enjoy this.   
> Prepare for another character who has been mentioned briefly before. Never planned to invite her to this story. But meh ..... sometimes it'll be like that.

“I don't think you're taking this seriously.”, Leon was being nervous. More nervous than he should be, really. But when someone planned your murder you were supposed to be, right?  
Well at least SOMEONE had to be. And since Morgana had decided to be ignorant of future demise – Leon decided that this was his job now. 

“Do you really think this is the first time, Agravaine has tried to get rid of me? Why do you think I've been living in a cave for a year?”

“I don't know. The aesthetic?”, Leon shrugged. 

Morgana gave him a pointed look and then continued to eat her soup. 

Leon had run to Morgana as soon as he had figured out what their plan was. And boy did their planning take time. Agravaine had a lot of thoughts and ideas for murder. Someone should be worried about that. Namely Mordred. But who was the king that he would have to deal with such delicate matters, right?

“Listen, Sir Leon. I have managed to evade every attempt Agravaine has ever started. And you know why?”

Leon frowned. To be frank, he did. Agravaine himself had been brainstorming about this. 

“Because my destiny is to be killed by Emrys. And Emrys isn't here. Neither does Agravaine know where he is. So there is nothing I have to worry about.”

“You have everything to worry about!”, Leon gave back. 

“Sir Leon, I am happy that you have decided to side with me, when it comes to the safety of this kingdom. But my personal safety has to do with me! And myself alone, do you understand! As long as Mordred has Emrys under control and orders him to stay far far away from me, there is NOTHING I need to fear! I don't want to live in fear anymore. I don't want Emrys to dictate my life. Let him stay in exile as long as possible. My brother is taking care of him too. And he will send message to me should anything change. So now leave me alone with this nonsense.   
I thank you for telling me – but I can take care of myself.”

And with that Leon was forcefully dismissed. 

Leon knew this was a fatal decision on her behalf. And he would stand corrected.

Neither of them knew that Agravaine had already prepared his departure. In a cave – captured – one of Merlin's magical doves.   
The one Leon used to message him. He wouldn't realize she was gone until it was already too late. 

\---------------------------------

Arthur liked fishing. It was calm and nice weather outside. The fish wasn't biting at all, but it was a good excuse to sit here, while Merlin took care of the household.   
Not that he needed to do much. Merlin liked gardening as much as Arthur did. But he could just use magic for most tasks and he had told Arthur more than once that he was 'distracting' him.   
Arthur grinned at the thought. 

Well – to be fair – it wasn't Arthur's fault – or the lakes fault that the fish wasn't biting. It was HER fault.   
“What do you want again!”, Arthur sighed upon seeing her. He called her the Siren. Simply because she only ever appeared to Arthur and tried to show him things. To lure him out into the depth of the lake of Avalon. 

“Arthur, come with me, please.”, she said. Desperate as ever. “Time is running out!”  
Arthur scoffed. “Time is always running out with you.”

“The kingdom needs you!”, she said. For some reason she seemed to believe that he really was the prince. But Arthur and Merlin had made a pact. He wasn't ever going to get certain of his previous identity. Never. He ruled out the possibility out of spite.   
He loved his life here at the lake – on their farm. Just Merlin and him. Like things were supposed to be. If Arthur had ever allowed himself some happiness – it was this.   
And he wasn't going to let a fish woman take that away from him. 

Not that she looked anything like a fish. She looked completely human. Almost like a princess in her purple dress. Her hair was completely wet though and clung to her forehead.   
Arthur wasn't certain – but he had always envisioned Siren's to be singing creatures. With fish tails and wavy flowing her. This woman was just a woman. A pretty one – admittedly. But also just a woman. 

“The kingdom has Morgana. Have you noticed how little wars have happened since she took over as Mordred's main advisor?”  
Arthur got his main information from the tavern in town. How this girl got any was a mystery to him. She seemed to be living within the lake. Hmm.... somehow she sounded familiar to him. But not familiar enough that he found it very important.

“Morgana needs your help too! Mercia is preparing for war! They have been for quite some time! Someone on the inside of Camelot has been secretly taunting them. I don't know who – but -”

Arthur sighed. “And how can I help?”, he asked tiredly. “I don't know if you've noticed – but Morgana is a witch. If she can't handle this – no one can.”

“Mercia isn't the only thing that worries me.”, the woman said with a deep sadness in her eyes.   
“Arthur, you need to free Merlin.”

Arthur frowned. “I am not holding him captive! He can leave, whenever he wants!”  
“That is not what I meant.”, the girl swam around ceaselessly. Just pushing around some water. 

“Oh really.”, Arthur was not amused. 

“He needs to remember, Arthur! He needs to remember who he is!”  
Arthur laughed. Bitterly, humorlessly. Well this was just rich. “I think you have mixed some things up, dear lake lady. Merlin knows who he is. I am the one who lost his memories. And to be quite frank – I am happy that way.”  
Arthur railed in his line. Just to throw it out again. The worm on the other hand hadn't even been touched by a fish yet. 

“He doesn't.”, the girl said quietly. And it sounded like the mere thought pained her. The thought of Merlin not knowing himself.

“Look.”, Arthur felt bad for her. “He forgot who I am. Like everyone else. Like I myself did. He knows precisely who HE is.”  
The girl shook her head. “No, Arthur. He forgot who you are to HIM. He forgot why he did the things he did. He lost his reasons for all the bad decisions he has ever made in his life. How can he be himself when he forgot the person that became his purpose in life?”

Arthur sat still. Frozen in his position. “But – he has me now.”, he said and shook his head.   
The girl looked at him sadly. “You just said it yourself. Not even you know who you are.”  
Arthur and the girl stared at each other.   
“I don't want to leave this place.”, Arthur said.   
“Sooner or later you will have to. It would be better if you two could leave together.”, the Siren said meaningfully. 

Arthur sighed. “Is it so wrong for me to want to enjoy this?”, he asked. This sounded an awful lot like destiny talk again.   
“No.”, the Siren tried to give him a cheerful smile. But it came out empathetic. 

“How long do we have?”  
The Siren looked him up and down. “Two days.”

Arthur felt a clench in his stomach. “Where do you want to take me?”, Arthur asked, swallowing down the lump in his throat. 

“There is a place within this forest that you have always avoided.”, she said.   
“If you come with me – you will remember.”

“What about Merlin. Will he as well?”  
“He will remember, when you tell him everything. His mind is connected to yours. You are two sides of the same coin.”

“What do I need to do?”

The girl smiled. Obviously happy she finally managed to get through to him somehow.   
“Just bring the flower.”

'The flower?', Arthur blinked confused. Why would he need to bring the – 'never mind.' 

He looked back to the house he and Merlin had been living in for two years. “I don't want to leave.”, he said again. Just to make it clear how much this life had grown on him. 

“Will you come with me?”, the girl asked again. And maybe it was the simple fact that she had asked – given Arthur the ability to choose that made him answer like this.   
“I don't want to.”  
“But will you?”, the girl asked again – desperately. “Before it's too late. Before -”  
“No.”, Arthur said. He couldn't. Even if they had only two more days. Even if it was just five minutes.  
That time was meant for Merlin and him. “I want to stay here.”

The lady looked even more pained now. “Even though you know what will happen when you don't remember?”  
Arthur bit his lip. “If it's my destiny to remember some day – then it will happen eventually. I won't betray Merlin's trust. I won't break my promise.”

“Maybe you should have told him about me then.”, the girl smartly replied. “Maybe you should have given him a choice.”

“Well – if a choice is what you want. Maybe you shouldn't only seek me out, Freya!”, he snarled back. He had his eyes closed for only a moment, but the Siren was already gone.   
He ran his hand down his face. She was right of course. He should have consulted Merlin about this long ago. But Merlin looked so happy here too.   
He couldn't do this. He didn't want to remember. Still, even after two years. And if he must – then surely things would change on their own.   
But he wouldn't force things to change. Especially not in a direction he didn't want to. Where he didn't know what might happen. 

He knew deep down that Merlin felt the same.   
And yet he found himself ashamed by the fact that he hadn't dared talk about Freya with him yet.   
What did all of this have to do with that blasted flower anyway?  
Arthur shook his head. 

He had been fishing enough for today. They didn't bite anyway.   
He would go back to Merlin's and his hut now. To spend some time with his husband.   
Because that is where he wanted to be.  
That was the choice he made. The oath he took. And he would do it all over again.

\------------------------------------------------------

Gwaine was constantly scowling, as they sought out Katie. A few pretty words didn't change his entire view on magic. A view that he had grown up with and entertained since he was born.   
Surely royals were a pain most of the time. But sorcerers had always been just as egoistic.   
Just because this witch was twelve didn't mean she couldn't be acquainted with this Emrys guy and have manipulated Lancelot, Gwen and probably Arthur as well for however long they knew each other. 

No matter how innocent she looked. 

“Look! This is Dave!”, Katie was being cheerful. The Dove sat just as giddily on her shoulder. It was like they shared a link with each other.   
“He will know precisely where Arthur and Emrys are.”, she was smiling. And so eagerly offering her help, Gwaine almost felt bad for the goosebumps he kept getting by her mere presence. She wasn't that powerful actually. Actually – Gwaine had no way of telling just how powerful she was. He didn't have a sense for such things.   
But he knew – if she had magic – she was dangerous. 

No matter what Lancelot and Gwaine claimed to know about magic. People who had magic had power. And people with power always – always were corrupted. No matter if the power was magical nature or just the power that came with royalty. 

He had needed quite some time to like Arthur. Since he was the prince and all. But with Arthur it was quite clear where his priorities lay.   
With someone like Katie – it was impossible to tell. Even children were easily manipulated into doing bad things. 

“So – we're going to follow a dove all the way to wherever?” Honestly, how could Lancelot and Gwen be so chill about this? Gwaine was DRUNK and still worried!  
Not to mention he was GWAINE!  
They had no destination. No idea where they were going at all. And their guide was a magical creature literally created by the most dangerous sorcerer alive!  
They could end up in a trap. Or go in circles forever. 

“Basically – yeah.”, Katie smiled and nodded at Dave to fly over to sit on Gwaine's shoulder. Almost immediately Gwaine pushed the bird away.   
Who knows what happens when you touch a magical creature?

“I'm so excited!”, Katie jumped up and down. Her hair had grown quite a bit. But she still repeatedly cut it off. “I'm finally going to see Arthur again!”, she mused and ignored the way her pet bird was treated.   
(More like avoided. So she was basically just ignoring Gwaine's antics.)

The bird gave up disappointed and settled back down on Katie's shoulder to pick at some crumbs she picked up from the table. 

“Oh hell no. You're not coming with us.”, surprisingly it was Lancelot who spoke up.   
“Your parents would never allow it!”  
Oh right. Gwaine blinked. Like THAT was the issue. 

“Please, Lance!”, Katie looked betrayed. “I haven't seen Arthur in two years! PLEASE!”, she almost begged. “My parents don't need to know!”

“Just how long do you think we will be gone! We don't have the time to take you with us and then bring you back right after! We need to save Camelot!”

“Save Camelot?”, she raised her eyebrows. “Save from what?”

Gwaine hissed. “Well maybe from your king who is allowing magic users like you to exist!”  
Katie's eyes widened. “But – Mordred is a magic user himself.”, she actually shrank under his gaze.   
Gwaine crossed his arms.   
His eyes said it all. 'That's exactly what's bothering me.'

“If I can't come with you, I won't send Dave out for you to follow!”, she mimicked his pose and pouted. Gwaine's eyebrow twitched. She really was just a child. 

“Alright fine.”, Lancelot gave up. 'Already?', Gwaine thought disappointed.   
“Gwaine – I'm begging you. I'm not asking you to trust her. Just – please. If we want to find Arthur, she is our best chance.”

“You mean our only chance.”, Gwaine retorted, but Gwen didn't seem so amused either.  
“Yes, Gwaine. Our only chance. Now stop being an idiot and apologize.”  
Gwaine actually frowned at that. Why on earth did he need to apologize?

“And why on earth would I want to apologize?” 'What for, anyway?'  
Lancelot sighed. “Look, Gwaine. If you knew who Emrys is -”  
“That won't change a thing!”, Gwaine retorted angrily.   
Lancelot seemed like he wanted to say something, but Gwen stopped him by merely touching his shoulder. She shook her head and Lancelot seemed to agree. 

“Gwaine – what other choice do we have?”

Gwaine gnawed on his lip. 'We can't even say for sure if Arthur is still alive. For all we know – this Emrys guy could have written those letters.   
For all we know -', he thought.  
“Alright, fine. But if this is a trap and we die! I WILL blame you!”, he pointed at Lancelot who just sighed in relief.

“Good.”, Katie didn't look like she found this good at all. “We'll meet at midnight here again.”  
Gwaine frowned. “Why midnight?”  
“Because that's when my parents are asleep, duh!”, Katie flicked him the bird. Gwaine's mouth twitched. 'I'm not going to laugh now.', he thought to himself. 

\-----------------------------------

After a long discussion it was decided that Gwen would stay in Brieldier.   
Not that she wanted to, of course. But she was pregnant and someone needed to take care of Charlie. He was too young to travel with them. And they could hardly ask Katie's parents to look after him, since they were practically abducting their child. 

Lancelot promised to be back as soon as possible. He kissed his wife goodbye (not until after she took Gwaine to the side and made sure to make him swear he would keep Lancelot save or else – She never defined what 'or else' was. But Gwaine could tell that he would do better to never find out).  
He kissed his son as well, who looked so small in his mothers arm. Even though he was already one year old. He was so tiny!

“He looks like Elyan when he was young.”, Gwen would say. Based of an old memory. She was barely three years older than her brother. But she had practically raised him anyway.   
So she remembered what he looked like very well. 

“What? No kiss for me?”, Gwaine pouted at Lancelot, who just laughed and punched him in the arm. Lancelot rolled his eyes. “Maybe later.”, he winked and lead the two of them out to meet with Katie and Dave. Gwen just smiled at the joke.  
Their bags were full of clothes and food. After all – none of them knew how far Arthur and Emrys truly were away. They would be traveling for days. Or weeks. Maybe even months. 

Gwaine was prepared to spend another year to search for them.   
After all – the last two years he had found out absolutely nothing.

“So – guys.”, Katie whispered now, as they finally reached her at the front door of her house. She had a small leather pouch draped over her shoulder. Just big enough for her to carry. But that could hardly be hers. It must belong to one of her parents.   
“With my magic I can communicate with Dave. Well – a bit at least. He will fly in the general direction we have to go.”  
And with that she raised her arm and the white Dove flapped his wings to keep himself up in the air.   
He didn't make a sound. But something about this Dove was glowing in a white light. It seems like that was what Katie needed to communicate. A magical wave length so to speak.   
“The lake.”, Katie whispered and moved her hand so Gwaine and Lancelot could follow her. Gwaine narrowed his eyes at her. Wondering when the trap would come in. 

The lake – as you well remember – was just outside the village. The shore beginning in the middle of the forest. The place where Arthur and Merlin first met up. And made their decision to run away together.   
But all that was nothing the three travelers knew from their own memories.   
All they knew was that the lake was here. 

Dave flew a bit over the water, sending other magical waves in Katie's direction.   
Katie frowned. “That's strange.”, she said calmly. 

Gwaine rolled his eyes. They had stopped far too soon after they just left the town.   
“Dave says they aren't far. We only have to cross the lake.”, Katie said, an eyebrow raised. 

Gwaine gave her an 'are you serious' look.   
“And you only figured that out NOW?”, he asked confused.   
“We don't even have a boat! Here we are preparing for weeks to travel and your magical bird tells us to cross a lake?”

“That is hardly my fault!”, Katie replied. Growing more and more angry by the second. 

“Guys, don't start fighting now!”, Lancelot stopped them. Seriously shocked that he had to stop a grown man from verbally attacking a twelve year old girl. Who could easily kick his butt, but Lancelot was less worried about that. Katie may punch people in the face who had wronged others, sometimes. But – yeah okay. Maybe he should worry about that more. 

They could go around the lake. But that would mean walking through bandit territory. They would waste so much time. Not to mention that Arthur and Emrys could have disappeared again by then. Surely they were constantly on the move? (They weren't. But neither of them knew that.)

“Sounds like you guys need some help.”

In an instant the three travelers turned around. It was dark already. Who was wandering in the woods at this hour?  
To their surprise they found whoever this was was not someone who was actually wandering the place.   
No. There was a figure in the water. Completely soaked in lake water. But the moon illuminated her outlines and made her look mystical.   
She had something of a Siren. Beauty – mostly.

Dave sat down on her shoulder and let himself be caressed by her. The Dove seemed to like her.   
“You guys are here to find Arthur, aren't you?”, she said and her eyes shone in the moonlight.

“Who are you?”, Gwaine asked. Was this the trap? The ambush? Already? But this was just a woman in a lake. 

“You are the lady of the lake!”, Katie gasped. Lancelot shared a look with the child like her description held some deeper meaning than what Gwaine was aware of.   
Gwaine rolled his eyes. “Very creative description, Katie.”, he muttered.   
But the Siren raised her hands above the water. Suddenly, the water moved. As if something heavy rose from within the depth of the lake.   
“I am.”, she confirmed, as water flooded from the – thing. 

The thing was made of wood. Because it was a boat. Barely big enough for three people to sit in.   
Or one person to – well. 

“I'm sorry. This is all I can do for you.”, she smiled sadly. 

Gwaine had his hand on his sword already. “You're a witch.”, he said accusingly, making Katie scoff at him. 

The woman laughed. “No. I never was.”, she said with a playful glint in her eyes. 

“Oh. And where did you get that boat then?”, Gwaine growled.   
“It's my boat.”, the woman said and pointed at it invitingly. It was filled with wildflowers.   
“I was burned in this boat.”, she added to Gwaine's horror. 

Lancelot, who had already decided to sit in the boat and had one foot inside it, stopped in his tracks. “What?”, he asked in a mild panic.   
The woman laughed. “Relax. I was already dead.”

“That's not making this any more comforting!”, Gwaine answered for Lancelot.   
Katie rolled her eyes and moved passed the two men and their useless moral.   
“She invited us. You're being impolite.”, she said and immediately settled in the boat. 

“Who is she!”, Gwaine asked outraged and pointed at the woman with both his arms in an angry movement.   
Katie rolled her eyes. “The lady of the lake is the Guardian of Avalon. You know – like the place where people go when they die?”, she rolled her eyes. “Even I know that.”

Gwaine's eyes widened. “So – you're not a witch – you're like – a goddess?”, he asked. Both shocked and amazed, while Lancelot slowly swallowed down his discomfort and settled down in the boat as well. 'We don't want to be impolite.', he repeated what Katie had said earlier.  
The woman smiled at Gwaine. “My name is Freya.”, she said calmly.   
Gwaine's mouth twitched slowly. 

“And why are you sending us over the lake? Are you like – a Siren? Do you want to drown us?”  
Freya pouted amused. “Why do people keep asking me that? No. I'm not a Siren. I'm a spirit. I don't want you dead. I want you to help Arthur and the only man I ever loved.”

Gwaine frowned slightly. “You mean Emrys!”

“Gwaine, just get in the boat. We don't have all night!”, Lancelot said annoyed. Rich. Just hours ago Lancelot had been preaching how long their travel may yet be.   
Now they learned they only had to cross a lake and then they'll find the person they've been searching for. That or being murdered in cold blood. And STILL the man was hurrying them. 

“Fine!”, Gwaine surrendered and slowly stepped into the death boat. It swayed from one side to the other dangerously. But as soon as he sat down, it began moving on his own.   
Freya swam next to them. Slowly. Slower than they could have rowed over. But it was nice not having to do anything. 

“I meant Merlin.”, the girl smiled at Gwaine. Gwaine turned around sharply at the name. “You know Merlin?”  
Freya giggled. “Oh yes. He is the one who held my funeral.”, she said. 

“Where is he!”, Gwaine demanded to know.   
“He is with Arthur.”, Freya smiled.   
“I thought Arthur was with Emrys?” Now Gwaine really was confused. Also – Since when did Merlin have a dead/spirit/godess girlfriend?  
Katie whispered something to Lancelot, but the man shook his head to keep her quiet and listen. 

“Sometimes, Gwaine.”, Freya giggled again. “Sometimes names are just names.”  
Gwaine frowned.   
“Do YOU guys know what she's babbling all about?”, he asked, directed at Lancelot who just sighed.   
“Gwaine – I think this is a story that Merlin needs to tell you himself.”

Gwaine tilted his head. “I don't -”

“There are many things you don't understand yet, Gwaine.”, Freya said sympathetically.   
“You will have to be strong. Because soon, the world as you know it will break in front of your own eyes.”

“What does that even mean?”, Gwaine asked exasperated. But Freya just waved at them and a second later she was drowned within the depth of the lake. 

Four hours later, the boat hit the shore on the other side of the lake.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bloody hell, I wanted to write this part FOREVER!!!!!!!  
> I am expecting you guys to hate me now. But this was so worth it :)

“We are here to celebrate the peace treatment that my son managed to get for us. Mercia and Camelot will live in peace! We shall rejoice in this feast. In our future lies hope. Hope for a better kingdom and freedom for us all.”, Uther Pendragon was standing in the middle of the throne room. He had his goblet in his hand. Raised for a toast that would never come.   
Arthur was standing next to him, clapping fiercely. The rest of the room was cheerful though. Only few figures acted quite bored or annoyed. Others looked very pleased, others worried.

Morgana was clapping too, but her eyes didn't look too happy.  
Since Morgouse had died during the incident when the entire Castle was asleep – Morgana had been very distressed. No wonder there – she had almost died that day. Poisoned. Someone had poisoned her. Probably Morgouse. Arthur hoped it was Morgouse. If not – then there was a traitor among them. If there was – Arthur would do anything in his power to kill that person.

“To my son, Arthur – who made this feast possible.”, Uther nodded in Arthur's direction. 

…..

Arthur's shot up in his bed. Well, not his bed. His and Merlin's bed. He was breathing heavily. And sweating. His head turned to find his husband sleeping soundly.   
How long it had taken for Merlin to settle down enough to sleep without nightmares. Arthur couldn't remember. It had been a bloody long time since he himself had a nightmare such as this.  
Thank god it was only Arthur who had dreamed this.   
His eyes shot back to the memory Jar, that stood on the shelf on the other side of the room – where Merlin collected his books about herbs. Should he write it down? Maybe not this time. He knew Merlin liked to read some of the scrolls. This – Arthur knew instantly – wasn't a memory Merlin should know about. 

It had been a while since Arthur's head had hurt from such a heavy memory.   
He could see the flower within the memory Jar glowing. That in itself was nothing new. But it was glowing brighter than before. The glow fading slowly.

'I am the prince.', Arthur realized with a start. 'Uther Pendragon was my father.'  
It wasn't as surprising as it once would have been. After all – they had their suspicions already. What panicked Arthur was – that he now KNEW about it.

Two days, Freya had said. And truly – the sun had just begun to rise after those two days had passed. Arthur's calm life would be over now. He WAS the prince. He had the responsibility over Camelot. A destiny. And he had neglected it for three years.   
Was it too late to pretend he hadn't seen it? Was it too late to pretend it was just a dream?

Arthur buried his face in his hands. “Fuck.”, he muttered. Merlin stirred next to him. But he barely turned around. It was too early to wake up anyway.   
But Arthur would never be able to sleep again. At least not this morning. Quietly he grabbed his shirt. He considered for a second. Then he reached for the Jar and took out the flower. The forgetmenot. Something about this flower was strange, Arthur decided. Not just for the first time. Freya had told him to keep the flower close. Morgana had told him to keep the flower as well. Katie had told him the flower was meant for him.   
Then the strange glowing this morning. Maybe there really was something about this flower. Somehow it was connected to his memories.  
Maybe he should get rid of it. Whatever it was – it was connected to his destiny at least. And Arthur had long decided not to follow that destiny, whatever it may cost. He should have gotten rid of this flower a long time ago. Because if his assumption was right – it might be what made Merlin remember things as well.  
And Arthur really couldn't have that now.

He put the flower in his pocket and went down the magically crafted stairs.   
He would go outside to wash himself at the lake – he decided. 

'I can pretend I've never seen the memory.', he thought, thinking of Merlin. 'It'll be fine – as long as Merlin doesn't know.'  
Because only if Merlin believes he is the prince – only then will hell break loose.   
Arthur had messed up. He had broken his promise to Merlin. He had never meant to remember.   
But it was too late now. 

He reached the shore barefooted. He knelt down to wash his face and his arms. Only just to get rid of the cold sweat from the messed up dream he had.  
A memory that he would rather call a nightmare – really. Sometimes not knowing was a blessing.   
Arthur was all too much aware of that. 

In the dim light, Arthur could barely see a silhouette approaching in the dark. And he cursed himself for not having his sword with him. The one he had stolen from that knight Gareth all those years ago.   
Arthur would have loved to hide, but the shore was pretty free from plants and trees and rocks that could have provided him any shelter. 

“Arthur?”  
Arthur had already turned around, ready to run for the house, when he recognized that voice.   
“Katie?”, he wondered and only now did he see the bird that flew over to pick on his hair.   
“Dave?” Okay, the dove wasn't that much of a surprise. He saw him every other week.   
But Katie right behind him?

Now he saw her, jumping from the boat and swimming towards him. Arthur smiled. Thank god it was warm enough outside to swim in lakes. Without a second thought he jumped after her to reach her half way.   
“HEY!”, he exclaimed as he finally saw the familiar face that momentarily erased all his worries. Both their faces were grinning widely, as they raced each other to reach the shore.   
The boat slowly followed and soon enough two more figures jumped from the boat. 

“Arthur!”, another familiar voice said and Arthur couldn't help but grin even brighter.   
“Lancelot! It is so good to see you! How on earth did you guys find us?”, he asked and hugged the protesting man that used to be his landlord.   
Of course, Arthur was soaked wet with lake water. Lancelot was still dry. Naturally Lancelot would shy away from human contact now. 

“That was all Dave!”, Katie explained proudly, as the white dove returned to her shoulder. She pet him gently.

“That dove is really smart.”, Arthur ruffled her short hair with the compliment. 

“And where is my hug?”, the other silhouette asked. Only now, Arthur saw the man's face. And stunned. 

“Erm – hi.”, he said. 'Who was that guy?', was his first thought. But he stretched out his hand politely anyway.   
With a frown the man grabbed his wet hand and shook it.  
“And here I thought you were a good man. Turns out, you're still a prattish prince.”, the man shook away his frown and smiled, as he forced Arthur into a hug.”

“It's good to see you again.”, the man said with a smile. But Arthur blinked rapidly. 'Prattish Prince? How on earth does he -'  
“I'm – I'm sorry. Do you know me?”

You know – under normal circumstances, when you experience memory loss – you wouldn't go around asking people who they are. As many movies make you believe.   
You would think 'how do they know me?' and you would banter your head to find a face that maybe matched this person. You would try to find a name. If you don't find one – you would just nod and wait until the other person either introduces themselves and confirms that you – indeed – never met before.   
Or until someone else says their name.   
Then you slowly work on sneakily finding information so you can pretend you know who they are.   
You get to know them first, before admitting that you have no idea who they are.   
Because we are all human. Forgetting memories doesn't mean you forget your manners that are practically burned into your personality.   
You're avoiding the question of 'who are you', because admitting that someone wasn't important enough for you to at least remember their name is impolite.   
It hurts people's feelings.   
You wouldn't do that. 

Arthur, however, he has lost his memories for many many years now. And he's been living with that loss for just as long.  
He knows that it's not only him who forgot other people's faces. They forgot everything about him as well. 

So when Arthur meets a person who apparently knows him, remembers him even– naturally his first reaction is to ask 'how?'. 

The man blinked. “Do I -”. he turned his head. “Are you serious? You don't remember me? It's me – Gwaine! We met a couple years ago in a bar fight that you guys started!  
You paid for my tavern bill! You were really mad!”

Arthur held his head at that. With each word, memories hit his head like a bulldozer. Not that Arthur knew what a bulldozer was.   
He saw Gwaine's face in them. More often than not with a mug in his hand.  
“Stop – please.”, Arthur held his hand up and tried to catch his breath. “I need – a moment to remember.”   
Gwaine stopped, his face twisted with disbelieve. A bit taken aback with how rudely Arthur had cut him off just now.

“You really don't remember me?”

Arthur shook his head. “The real question is – how the hell do you remember ME?”

Gwaine's twisted frown softened. That didn't mean he wasn't any less confused.   
“What do you mean?”

Arthur looked up at Lancelot who recognized the symptoms of Arthur's memory return. Arthur sat down in the sand beneath him, sighing heavily and ignoring how the sand clung to his wet trousers.   
He also ignored that the dry shirt he had taken with him and now put on, immediately soaked up the water from his skin. Not to mention all the sand that now itched on his skin.

He held his head. “Nobody remembers me. Not even I do. Well -”, he didn't end that last sentence. It probably wasn't a good idea to confess that he now knew who he was. He just figured it out a couple of minutes ago.   
“What do you mean!”, Gwaine sounded almost mad now. “You are Arthur Pendragon! The prince of Camelot! Of all people YOU should remember!”

Arthur hissed, as he remembered something else. A memory. A coronation.   
Arthur's coronation as crown prince. “Shut the fuck up, Gwaine.”, he hissed.   
Gwaine was taken aback.   
Lancelot blinked. That wasn't Arthur's usual reaction to learning news over who he was. Shouldn't Arthur be curious? Nervous maybe? He could probably question Gwaine – but shutting him up like that didn't really sound like Arthur at all.

Katie stepped up hesitantly. “You already knew that, didn't you?”, she asked gently and pulled her hands up to use magic to heal his headache.   
Gwaine's lip twitched, probably thinking she would make him forget again. But Arthur took another deep breath, relaxing his his pain was reduced to a minimum. 

Wow – Merlin and him had been so stupid. Why hadn't THEY used magic to stop the pain?

Gwaine was speechless as Arthur thanked her.   
“I just dreamed of the night when Uther was killed.”, he admitted quietly. He knew it must have been that certain night. As with dreams – sometimes you just know things. Even if nothing indicated it. Sometimes you just knew.   
“I just figured out who I am minutes before you arrived.”, he added sadly. So – it truly was too late to take things back. 

Arthur's head shot up in a warning. “Don't you dare tell Merlin though! He'll kill me, if he finds out!”

Gwaine blinked, then laughed in relief. “So you really are here with Merlin. Don't worry. He won't hurt a hair on your head. Not the Merlin I know.”  
Arthur flinched at that. His words really did sound far too ironic for people like Gwaine to understand.   
“That is not what I meant.”, Arthur tried to explain, but in that moment, another head perked up from the sea again.

“Freya?”, he asked, slightly baffled to see her so early in the morning. And when he had company too.   
Freya winked at him. “Arthur – it is time.”, she said. “Now. You don't have any time left.”, she said ominously and finally. For the first time since he first met her, she stepped out of the water. 

Gwaine stepped back a bit. For whatever reason. Lancelot and Katie offered her some space, like she was royalty. To be fair, with that purple dress – she could be.   
“Arthur. Your sister is in danger. It's time that you know who you are. And what brought you here.”

Arthur frowned. “I just figured it out. Can't you give me some time to process?”  
“No. You didn't.”, she said and shook her head.   
“All of you – follow me.”, she said and waved at them.

Lancelot and Katie just shrugged irritated. Gwaine was completely overwhelmed and Arthur was pretty sure, he as well needed some time to process all this.   
“Shouldn't we call for Merlin? He should know too, don't you think?”, he asked exasperated. Arthur stood up and pat him on the shoulder. “No. It's better if he doesn't.”  
Freya turned around again, as Gwaine looked at Arthur betrayed.   
“He is right, you know? It would be dangerous if Emrys finds out about Arthur right away. We would all be in danger.”

Gwaine bridged his nose with his hand. “SO alright! Can someone please explain to me what Merlin knowing about Arthur has to do with Emrys?!”  
Arthur shot a glance at Lancelot. “You didn't tell him?”  
Lancelot shrugged. Gwaine was confused again. “Gwaine.”, Arthur started and tried to tell him as calm as possible. “Merlin IS Emrys. They are the same person.”

Gwaine froze. 

Arthur let go off him and decided to finally follow his destiny. There was a lot to discuss on their way to the mysterious place that would make Arthur remember.   
He still didn't want to know. But Arthur could no longer deny his destiny. He could no longer pretend Merlin and him could live in their happy little bubble forever. 

Not when Gwaine remembered him. Not when Lancelot and Katie were here. No. Freya was right. Their time was over. Arthur felt defeated in his knowledge.

\--------------------------------------------------

Merlin awoke alone. He rubbed his eyes. It was unusual for Arthur to stand up before him. But it wasn't like it had never happened. Sometimes Arthur just couldn't sleep. So Merlin didn't think much of it, when he put his clothes on, went down the stairs and sat down on the chair down in the kitchen area.

The bread was fresh from yesterday evening. And barely covered with dry cloth so the softness wouldn't get lost from it.   
He looked out the window, wondering if Arthur would soon come in, so they could eat together. But he wasn't there. Not at the shore, not in their garden. Maybe he remembered something they had forgotten to buy?  
Maybe he was visiting a friend? Who knows. Merlin sighed. He had told Arthur multiple time to inform him when he left. Merlin didn't like worrying about him all day. 

There was a knock on the door.   
Merlin smiled. Maybe Arthur was back already? He went for the wooden door, unaware of the dark mare that shouldn't have been there at the front of his house.   
He opened the door, a smile and an insult ready on the tip of his tongue. 

But the man in front of his door was not Arthur.   
Merlin blinked as realization hit him. His smile fell instantly.  
“Let me in.”, Agravaine ordered, before Merlin could magically close the door shut. Merlin's eyes turned red. This was an order. He couldn't refuse. 

“We need to talk.”, Agravaine said. Merlin had no choice but to let him in. The door shut close behind them. 

\-------------------------------

“You've brought me to a rock.”, Arthur deadpanned, as soon as they had arrived at the spot Freya claimed to be his destiny. 

Gwaine – who had just learned of quite a few things that had happened without his knowledge finally released a breath of relief. Finally something HE knew, that the rest didn't.   
“This is Excalibur.”, he said with a proud grin. 

Freya smiled in his general direction. 

“Yes. It is.”, she confirmed. And at the confused expression of Arthur, Lancelot and Katie, she began to explain. 

“Years ago. The very year Merlin first came to Camelot, a knight was resurrected from the dead.”  
Collectively, all their eyebrows shot up in surprise. What the actual fuck did that have to do with the bloody sword?

“He dared anyone who was honorable enough, to fight him in a knights duel.”

“To the death.”, Arthur whispered and felt another headache coming up. 

Freya nodded, but continued. “But no mortal weapon can kill the undead.”, she said and walked around the sword that was stuck deep, deep into the rock.   
“Merlin learned that only a magical weapon could kill the undead. So he went to find the dragon beneath the Castle and let him enchant the sword. Excalibur holds much power. More than you could ever imagine. And it was forged in a dragon's breath. Just for Arthur.”

The stunned silence that followed was given by Freya, so they had time to take this in. Arthur felt strange. That information did not sound like it would ring a memory.   
“He kept that secret from me, didn't he?”, he asked tiredly. 

Freya nodded sadly. “He had to. Uther Pendragon took the sword and fought your fight for him.”, she continued and Arthur kept quiet to keep listening.  
“However, this sword in Uther's hand promised evil. So Merlin had to promise to get rid of it. The sword cannot be destroyed, so Merlin through it in the lake. I took care of it for many years until an immortal army arrived in Camelot and the sword was needed again.   
Merlin used it himself and after the immortal army was defeated, he sealed it into this rock.   
With a magical seal.”

Arthur nodded, but Gwaine looked still lost and confused and heavily impressed. 

“Only the once and future king shall be able to pull it from the stone. The man who was king once and will be king again. Who will be reborn into this world again and again to protect it from evil.   
The man who Emrys is destined to protect. He will live hundreds of lifetimes to keep serving him. Until this world will cease to exist.”

Arthur felt – numb. After hearing this.   
Merlin was destined to – Did Merlin know? He asked himself. Was that why Merlin had decided to live with him? Did he KNOW?  
Wait no. Arthur shook his head. That wasn't fair. Merlin didn't remember his destiny, he didn't...

Arthur blinked. Why was he so quick to assume that he was that king? Just because he was a prince? Just because Freya seemed to make everything about him?  
Was Arthur really that arrogant that he just decided he was -  
Maybe it was Gwaine? Maybe Lancelot? They were all three here. 

“Arthur. You are the once and future king.”, Freya said and Arthur – who had just desperately hoped he could put this destiny on to Gwaine or Lance, froze in his thoughts.   
“This sword is yours.”

Arthur closed his eyes. “How many times do I have to tell you, Freya. I don't want to leave Merlin. I don't want to know what you weird magical beings expect from me! I JUST want this life! I don't want to know who I was or who I'm supposedly going to be!   
Can't you just – for once in your goddamn life, choose someone else for your stupid destiny?”

Freya sighed as Arthur already turned around to leave. Why couldn't people just leave him alone? He was married, he was happy with being a farmer. He was happy damnit! If he was a king – what would that entail?  
Would he have to shut Merlin out? Would he have to get married to some rich woman – because finally THAT memory of two years ago made sense!

Arthur was hit with that same memory again.   
“I think you're mad. I think you're all mad! People should marry for love! Not convenience and if Uther thinks an unhappy king makes for a better kingdom, than he is wrong! Because you might be destined to rule Camelot. But you have a choice, as to how you do it.”  
Arthur cursed his brain, as he sank down onto his knees. 'Is NOT ruling at all really not an option?', he asked memory Merlin. He wanted to cry, really.   
This was all so much in such little time. 

Lancelot rushed to his side, trying to help him up, while Gwaine just stared in utter confusion.   
“Arthur. What did you remember?”

Arthur bit his tongue. 'That even Merlin believes I have to be that king.', he thought and fought of the burning sensation behind his eyelids. 

“Nobody said this was going to be easy, Arthur. But you need to remember who you were so you can be the person you were always destined to become.”, Freya said softly.   
'You only say that because you know I would choose this life – I would choose Merlin over every kingdom that could ever be mine.', Arthur responded madly in his head. 

He stood up, defeated once more. He couldn't fight destiny. Memory Merlin believed in him. If Merlin had his memories, he would urge him to do this.   
“Fine.”, he whispered again. More to himself than anyone else. He walked forwards to grab the handle of the sword. Only – because memory Merlin believed in him.

He didn't pull immediately. He wouldn't try hard, he wouldn't urge to get it out. Maybe if he pretended it didn't work, he could still escape this. But the sword reacted to his touch and began to glow. A familiar sensation. Merlin's magic – as the seal was broken and Arthur pulled out the legendary sword. Golden runes carved into it.   
'Draw me close – cast me away.'

And then Arthur felt the flower burn in his pocket. His eyes went wide. As his mind drifted into memory lane once more. 

…..................

Arthur saw it all. Saw his father raising him. Saw the many sorcerers who had betrayed him and his father. Who cursed the castle. He saw sorcerers burned. He remembered everything.  
He remembered his love for the knighthood. His pride as their leader. The pride as the crown prince of Camelot.  
He remembered his hatred for magic. For magical creatures.  
He remembered Merlin. Merlin – his servant. The useless idiot who drank too much at the tavern. Who challenged him. 

Arthur hadn't been in love with him. He remembered Guinevere. He had been in love with HER. 

He remembered Tom and how he died. He remembered Morgouse, he remembered the immortal knight.   
And he realized that Merlin had never – Merlin had always lied to him.   
Arthur felt the rage in him welling up. Along with so much pain. So much hurt, betrayal. Regret.   
He felt so much at once, it was hard for him to focus on anything else. 

He was in the throne room again. The night Uther died.  
Uther was bringing out a toast – when suddenly someone ran into the throne room. Yelling “STOP!”  
Arthur grabbed his goblet tightly. Life was so repetitive sometimes. 

“The chalice -”, Merlin heaved. “Is enchanted! You can't drink it, it will kill you!”  
He looked at Arthur, a desperate tone in his voice. But Uther was enraged. Like he had been last time. Though Arthur was very much inclined to believe him. 

“On what grounds do you make such accusations!”, Uther growled and Merlin took a deep breath.   
“It is Agravaine, Sire! He is planning to take over the throne!”

“That's enough, Merlin.” Arthur shook his head. This was against Agravaine? His own uncle? Against Arthur's FAMILY? I'm sorry, Merlin.', he thought, a bit relieved actually that he knew it was just Merlin's strange antics again. 'But I trust my family.'

“Arthur, listen, please!”, Merlin asked desperately. And that something in his voice was enough to make Arthur – consider.   
“You have no place to say such nonsense!”

“Oh really.”, Merlin straightened his back. “I have proof that he conspired with Morgouse against you.”  
The room – already quiet before, but muffled with confused whispers – now was completely still. 

“Proof?”, Agravaine was on the other side of the room.   
“Against me? Don't be ridiculous. He is a servant. He just likes the attention.”

“I know where Mordred is.”, Merlin said and his eyes were fixed on Agravaine who looked like he was going to murder someone soon.   
“And I will not let you use him to murder Arthur.”

Arthur felt lost. 'Mordred? The druid boy?', he wondered in utter confusion. 'He's not even here. How was he supposed to -', Arthur looked back at the goblet he had just abandoned on his desk.   
Agravaine eyes the chalice, then Arthur. Arthur's eyes widened. Was Agravaine really trying to ….

His uncle seemed to make a quick decision, as he ran towards Merlin and captured him in a headlock. Suddenly a dagger was in the man's hand and Merlin yelped in surprise.

Arthur – who had been doubting his uncle for only a second, now realized with full blown horror the betrayal the man was committing. He was using magic against his own family. Against Camelot.   
Uther's glare was furious. “Agravaine – explain this!”, he demanded, but Agravaine knew, with Merlin in his grasp, neither the knights nor Arthur himself could do anything to him.   
Agravaine held Merlin close. The servant was unable to move. 

“Arthur Pendragon!”, Agravaine started and shoved Merlin and him forward. Ignoring the lances that were now directed at him by the guards.   
“Drink the wine, or else I will have the head of your servant.”  
Uther laughed, not knowing how much everyone else in this room valued Merlin's loyalty. His insight. His very person.   
The only man left Arthur would trust with his life. A man worth to fight at his side. A fight against magic and treason. 

Arthur was about to grab for the chalice, but Merlin whined beneath the grasp he was captured in. “Don't.”, he said.   
“Merlin, you will die.”, Arthur said, eyes blown as he saw how deeply Merlin feared. But not for his own life. For Arthur's.   
Uther was getting enraged now. “Arthur, don't you dare touch that chalice.”, he demanded, but didn't move a muscle.   
Was he really ready to let Merlin die for Arthur? Just because he was a servant?

Merlin had drunken poison for Arthur once before. Arthur knew he had yet to repay him. Yes, he had – in fact – drunken poison for him with the whole unicorn incident. But that was, because he knew it was a test. Because he knew Camelot would only ever be safe if Arthur drank it. Not when Merlin did. In a very depressing way – that last test had been the easiest of them all. 

Merlin met eyes with Arthur, than looked at the chalice. Then he punched Agravaine. Not enough to get out of his grasp – just enough to distract him and stop him from using the dagger at his throat.   
Merlin grabbed for the chalice, before Arthur could stop him.   
And in a moment of utter terror, not only on Arthur's side, but also Agravaine's, Merlin downed the entire liquid.   
'You could have just emptied it. You could have just poured it onto the floor, why on earth would you drink it?', Arthur pleaded with destiny.   
He couldn't do the whole morteus flower incident again.   
Merlin choked slightly, as Agravaine actually released him. If in disgust or anger, who knew. 

Merlin looked at Arthur, then at Agravaine in confusion, then fear. “That wasn't poison.”, he whispered, and for a second Arthur felt actually relieved.   
“What did you do to me?”, Merlin asked at Agravaine who was steaming with hatred. 

“This wasn't meant for you, you foolish child.”, Agravaine knocked him on the head with his dagger. A lesser man would have been knocked out. But Merlin just shrunk in his position. Knowing something was definitely wrong.   
“Arthur finally was sensible enough to reach for his sword.”

Agravaine took a deep breath and turned around. Obviously considering how to escape the guards now – that all their intention was on him.   
“You know what? I will leave now.”, he said, a sickening grin on his face. “How about that, huh?”

Arthur was going to murder him. But what had he done to Merlin?  
Merlin seemed to be thinking the same, as he put himself between Arthur and Agravaine, to stop any further attack. Arthur felt his heart sank at such a portray of devotion. 

“You should all focus more on Merlin. He is going to kill the king.”, Agravaine said.   
“Yeah sure, like anyone would believe that.”, Arthur said.   
Agravaine shook his head. “You're right. Right.”, he said. “Obviously the knights will stop him. But he will try.”  
They stared at him. Waiting for something to happen. And maybe that was their biggest mistake. 

“Agravaine – you are hereby sentenced with treason -”, Uther began, but Agravaine stopped him.   
“Merlin, kill the king. And make it as fast as you can.”

The world slowed down as Merlin's eyes turned red as he turned around. Arthur knew in an instant that something was seriously off. Something was seriously wrong. Because Merlin didn't act on his own accord. But on Agravaine's order. Merlin seemed to realize too, that he couldn't stop himself.   
But nobody in this entire room - not even Agravaine himself – was prepared for how well Agravaine's plan had turned out. 

Merlin raised his hand. Only his hand. He wasn't charging at Uther, like anyone would have expected. Nobody had the time to react at all, really.   
There was an audible snap in the air, as Merlin's eyes glowed golden. Arthur felt his heart break, before he heard his father sank to the floor.   
In an instant reaction, Arthur turned around to see his father. Lifeless. Dead.   
Merlin had killed his father.   
With magic. 

The room was silent. Everyone shocked. Merlin, more than anyone else. But Arthur had only time for one single thought. “Monster.”, he mouthed and Merlin's eyes widened like Arthur had personally sentenced him to death. 

Agravaine choked for a second, disbelieve in his features, before he let out a triumphant laugh.   
“You have magic.” He sounded so excited. But didn't that make things even worse?  
Because he was right. They had all seen it. Merlin had magic.   
Merlin had betrayed them too. 

“Oh, If I had known.”, Agravaine looked far too pleased with himself. “You know what. Now that we're at it. Merlin, how about you kill Arthur too?”, he said and Arthur fell back into his seat, as Merlin's eyes turned red again.   
“No. No. NO!”, he could hear him scream, but Arthur was too enraptured in his own betrayal. His hatred in magic, his fear from his best friend. 'Traitor. Murderer. Monster.', Arthur's head repeated.   
Because what else could Merlin be, if all it needed was the raise of his hand to kill a man?  
Arthur didn't even have time to grief, as he shielded himself uselessly with his hands. 

He could hear Agravaine shout.   
“KILL HIM! MERLIN! ERASE HIM FROM EXISTENCE!” The last thing Arthur saw was Merlin's eyes – the white of them now red – the iris golden and his hand – raised at Arthur's head.   
Tears flooding from his eyes.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man feelings are so complex to write sometimes. Especially with so many character involved.   
> How many people did I use this time? Five - six? And all of them at once?  
> I am so glad I left Gwen at home or else this would have gotten very complicated.   
> Anyway - one chapter without Merlin in it. It's all about Merlin anyway :) And we're still not in Camelot. Jesus.   
> Or as one particular commentator likes to call Merlin. Magic Jesus ;)))))))   
> I hope you like this. 
> 
> WARNING: Arthur is very much in pain the entire chapter. I don't know if it's bad enough to call it graphic desciptions of violence, because it really isn't THAT bad, I suppose.   
> Don't hesitate to tell me what you think :))))

Arthur returned to reality screaming. If he had thought returning memories little by little had hurt, it was nothing compared to this.  
His scalp felt like it might burst. His brain pounding in his head. Black dots danced in front of his eyes. Scratch that, his entire vision was black. The dots were pieces of reality that hit his see nerves. And caused immense pain. 

The pain stretched from his head through his nerve system down to his guts. Making him wonder if a heart was allowed to race that fast. His stomach clenched and none of this felt in any way pleasant, like falling in love might feel.   
Arthur felt sick, as his legs gave out under him and he had to steady himself on the new sword he had already stuck back into the ground.   
He was heaving, not even sure whether he was grabbing the handle or the blade. He couldn't make out if the pain from his hands came from being cut open or from the pain in his entire system. 

He could hardly keep it in him, as Lancelot tried to help him. Not that Arthur noticed his presence at all. Arthur threw up. It must mostly be water, because hadn't eaten anything yet.   
He heard someone jump back in surprise, probably trying to avoid the radius of poor pain that Arthur felt. Or the vomit. Probably the latter.

It felt like the pain wasn't just in himself anymore. It was outside him. Punching him again and again. Forcing him to remember a past that even without physical pain – broke him in half.   
Slowly – far too slowly- the pain ebbed away.   
Leaving only the mental pain. 

His only waking thought was Merlin. But for once – the thought didn't make his stomach flutter. For once it didn't brighten his day.   
It did the opposite. It made him feel sick.   
Merlin had lied to him. Merlin had murdered his father. Merlin made everyone forget about him. Merlin had tried to kill him too. Merlin sneaked back into his life. Kept him away from Camelot. His throne. His responsibility. His destiny.   
Merlin was at fault for the pain he had just felt. Merlin had betrayed him. Merlin had magic.   
Arthur was breathing heavily. 

In theory he knew this wasn't fair. That Merlin didn't remember either. That Merlin had been ordered to do this. But Arthur was human. And humans are irrational sometimes. All this knowledge so sudden and so painful, it erased everything else. Right now, there was only pain and betrayal. 

Merlin had kept secrets from him. Merlin had made him believe he could trust him. All this pain that had been neglected for him. All these things he had a right to know. That he needed to know – Merlin had sweet talked them out of his mind. Made him believe it was better not to remember.  
Made Arthur trust him. Made Arthur love him.   
No. 

Arthur shook his head. Merlin must have enchanted him. 

He felt hot wet tears falling from his eyes, felt the heaving of his chest more than he heard his own whimpering sound. 

Slowly – the feeling calmed and ebbed away too. The pain washing away slowly. But it left a throbbing sensation everywhere in his body. 

Someone touched his shoulder, but he slapped it away. He turned his head, anger in his eyes. 

“Arthur. Can you tell us what you saw?”, Lancelot said calmly, but Arthur's eyes just narrowed in his hatred.   
This wasn't Lancelot's fault. He didn't remember either. But -  
Arthur felt another stabbing pain in his heart. Lancelot had married Gwen. And if Katie's letters had told him anything – Gwen was pregnant with their second child. 

Arthur closed his eyes again. The betrayal of magic – it had even drowned out what else was supposed to be important to him. He didn't blame Lance. He didn't blame Gwen. But they could never get back to the way things were.   
He had loved Gwen. And that feeling had just returned and made him feel hurt and betrayed as well. Yet – being rejected didn't feel as bad as feeling used. 

“Magic is evil.”, Arthur whispered. How could he have forgotten all those incidents when magic had corrupted the people he most trusted?  
How could he have forgotten how many people had been sentenced for their crimes, for good reason?

“What?”, A scared voice said, but Arthur didn't care who it belonged to.   
“Sorcery is evil.”, Arthur repeated himself. “All of them are monsters.”

Someone slapped him. Arthur almost fell, as he looked up at a crying face. The air was filled with electricity at Katie's anger. 

It wasn't the slap that made Arthur flinch away. Neither was it the magic that surrounded the girl and made air twirl around her. Arthur had seen it many times. She was holding herself back. Her magic was just a protection. Arthur blinked, surprised that he knew that. Surprised that the magic didn't make him shy away completely.   
No – it was the hurt in her eyes. 

She felt betrayed. By Arthur. 

“How -”, she hissed in a quiet sob. “How dare you.”, she whispered. Her hand still raised. And Arthur could see from the corner of his eyes Lancelot holding Gwaine back. If to stop him from hurting Katie – or from Gwaine shielding her – Arthur didn't know. Right now, that wasn't important.

Arthur felt himself unable to respond. He was too absorbed in his own feelings that had halted as he saw them mirrored in the young sorceress' face.   
And he felt regret. Why? Because she was a sorceress? Because he knew her? Because he had helped raise her? Because he had helped her learn magic, even?  
Because she had always treated him fairly? Always been nice to him? Always saw him as a brother rather than anything else?

Arthur himself had conspired with a sorcerer. But even now, as she was angry at him for saying what he said, he didn't hate her. He didn't blame her. She wasn't evil. And that confused Arthur more than anything else. 'Maybe -', his mind tried to save him. Protect him. 'Maybe she is like Merlin. Maybe she will betray you when you least expect it. Maybe she will lure you into false security and -'  
'But she is twelve.', Arthur thought helplessly. The part of him that had always doubted his father's accusations against magic. 'She has never hurt me.'  
The one part that was trying to keep him sane right now said. To keep him reasonable. 

“How DARE you condemn magic like you know ANYTHING about it!”, she said trembling.   
Arthur wanted to respond. Wanted to tell her that he had lived with a sorcerer. Had protected a man that wanted him dead.   
Merlin had even said so himself. Should he ever find out who Arthur really was – he would kill him. 

Arthur tried to forget that Merlin had warned him of this. Had reminded him almost every time their relationship had slightly changed. The day they got together. The day Arthur proposed to him. The day they got married.   
Arthur blinked a few times. 'Right.', he thought, sobering slightly.   
'I married him.' And the betrayal itself now felt confused. Because Arthur knew – marrying Merlin had been HIS idea. It had been HIS choice. Or was that part of Merlin's magic too?  
He desperately wanted to say -  
Arthur frowned. Did he want it to be an enchantment? Or didn't he? Right now – he wasn't sure anymore. 

Katie was still heaving with emotion. “I don't know what's gotten into you – Arthur.”, she said and was holding back even more tears.   
“But this isn't you.”, she stepped back. She was afraid of him. Arthur noted blankly.   
She was a sorceress, why the hell was she afraid of him?  
Was it the sword? Was it the blade? The magic blade? The one that could kill even the undead?  
No. She was staring right passed it. Right into Arthur's eyes.   
She was afraid of his hatred. 

“Sorcery has brought nothing but pain to Camelot.”, Arthur said slowly, but didn't dare raise from his spot. His body still couldn't support him. 

“No.”, more tears fell from Katie's eyes. “You don't mean that. YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE!”, she almost screamed and branches fell from the trees at the force of her magic.   
Arthur blinked. He had seen THAT before.... he shook his head. 

“Sorcerer's have attacked Camelot since I can remember. They have never done anything but.”, he said and wondered why he even did this. He was giving her a chance to respond. To argue. She was a sorceress. He wasn't supposed to let her speak. His father had taught him better than this. 

Katie closed her eyes, her dove trying to comfort her, when she vehemently shook her head.   
“Knights keep attacking our village, every time they pass through.”, she whispered and Arthur blinked. Wondering – what the hell that had to do with anything.   
“But not all knights are bad.”

Arthur blinked and held his head. That was true. In the year that Arthur had lived in Brieldier – knights kept robbing the people of their possessions. Arthur had hated them for it.   
But when he met Merlin – when he saw Leon again – he had changed his mind about them without a second thought.   
When he saw how honorable Lancelot was – he had hoped there might be more knights like him. 

“Bandits keep attacking wanderers with swords. But you've never said anything against the sword. You always taught me, it's the man holding it I should be afraid of.”, Katie said, and the wind was rising up again at the prospect of her emotional outburst. 

Arthur blinked – still wondering where she was going with this.   
“How can you condemn magic, when it's the user who attacked you.”, she said, and her hands balled into fists.   
“How can you blame all sorcerer's for actions few people committed against the kingdom.”

Arthur opened his mouth to respond – but Katie cut him off before he had the chance to say something. To tell her that, fine, it's not magic that's evil. It's the sorcerers. All of them. 

“How can you blame those few who attacked you – when it's the king who provoked them. Who made them live in fear! Who made them fear their every day – because someone they love, maybe they themselves could be killed for having magic!  
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME THAT!”, Katie was furious. Angry. So so angry that Arthur felt taken aback. 

He remembered that conversation. When he had learned that Katie had magic – had learned how good she was despite it. Maybe because of it – Arthur had stopped being afraid of magic. And had began wondering WHY Camelot was being attacked in the first place.   
He had heard the stories after all.  
Katie was shaking now. She had been afraid back then as well. She had been so afraid when Arthur had learned of her magic. No matter how reckless she might have been.   
The ban on magic had just been repealed. She had still been afraid to use it. She was terrified now too.

“After everything we've been through – how can you call me a monster?”

Arthur's eyes widened and he felt his own tears spilling yet again. How on earth did Arthur only realize now that he had called her a monster too? He had been thinking of Merlin earlier. Of the sorcerers who had attacked Camelot. Not really of her. He hadn't realized calling every sorcerer a monster meant Katie as well. And he knew how Katie felt about her magic.  
Speaking of which.

The magic was ebbing away, as Katie covered her face in her hands.   
Arthur felt – regret. And confusion. “I didn't call you a monster.”, Arthur tried to say, lied to himself, but Katie shook her head angrily once again.   
“I am a sorceress, Arthur.”, she was calm now. But something inside her must have been broken.   
“I grew up fearing for my life.”, she continued and Arthur felt worse with every word.   
“I believed I was dangerous. I believed I was a monster for my entire childhood.”, she said – like she was an adult already. Then again – for as long as Arthur had known her – she had always acted older than she was. She grew up faster than any child he ever knew.   
Maybe her childhood was really long past her. She was twelve. Arthur felt himself trembling at that.   
“You were the first person who told me I wasn't.”, she said. And now the regret really hit Arthur where it really really hurt. He closed his eyes. How could he have been so absorbed in his memories and his fear and his hatred that he had forgotten all those nights and conversations when he had comforted Katie for feeling like this?  
“I'm going home.”, Katie said, her head sunk low and she turned around. 

“Katie, wait.”, Lancelot said. But it should have been Arthur who stopped her. The prince, however, was too weak to even talk her out of it. She had every right to be mad at him.  
Lancelot grabbed for her shoulder, but she shook it off as easily as though it were a fly. 

Katie didn't say anything else. She just left. Gwaine and Freya and Lancelot and Arthur staring after her. None of them moving a muscle.  
Arthur couldn't say anything. He wanted to stop her. He wanted to apologize, but his head was filled with conflicting emotions.   
'It's better this way.', the part of him loyal to his hatred said. The sane part however, feared to have lost her.   
'She could kill you, you know.', it reminded him. 'She chose to go home instead.'

'Maybe she just wants you to suffer. Maybe she's going to build up a force to attack you.', the irratic part warned him. But the sane one replied with disbelieve.   
'I know her.', he said. And it was true. Katie had never lied to him. Even now, she never denied her magic. Never denied her feelings. Never denied the fact that if it were anyone else, she would have used her magic to hurt him.   
It was proof of their history together, that she didn't use it. Maybe it was also proof of their friendship that she didn't need to.

“Arthur – you shouldn't have -”, Lancelot began, finally. But Gwaine stopped him.   
“Arthur is right!”, he said – but something didn't sound right. “She is – she is dangerous.”, he said weakly, but he stared after her. Lost in his own disbelieve and mistrust of magic. Like he was still contemplating what she said.  
“How many good sorcerer's do we know, after all, right?”, Gwaine turned to Arthur. Daring him to name one single person. By the looks of it, he had a certain name in mind. And he dared Arthur to say it because it was the only name Gwaine needed to believe her.

“She is probably the only one.”, Arthur said, but even he didn't believe it.   
Gwaine looked stunned.   
“Didn't you say Merlin was Emrys.”, he said slowly. Completely contradicting himself. Maybe Gwaine too was stuck with conflicting emotions. 

Arthur's mood darkened immediately. “He used me.”, he said immediately and without hesitation.   
“He's the one who made all of us forget.”, he said sternly.   
Arthur wasn't even sure if he wanted to hate Merlin. Maybe he did. And this was a fact. It wasn't enough to keep out the doubt in his head that maybe Merlin was still a good man, though.   
But it was enough to ravel in his anger. 

Lancelot was quiet for a moment, while Gwaine's shoulders slumped at Arthur's accusation.   
“What of Morgana.”, Lancelot finally said. And Arthur turned around. He had completely forgotten about her.   
“Merlin poisoned her.”, was the first thing that came to mind. He had once vowed to kill the person who did this to her.   
Now he knew who it was and once more, his hatred against Merlin grew a bit. 

“I meant – she is a witch.”, Lancelot said, but was baffled at Arthur's words. Gwaine looked from one person to the other.   
It was quiet between them now as Arthur realized – Lancelot was right. But Arthur didn't remember learning that Morgana was a witch. That happened after their escape from Camelot.   
How was he to know that Morgana hadn't conspired with Mordred as well?  
Right now she was helping Mordred after all. But she clearly hated Merlin. 

Freya stood between them. Watching. Listening. 

And finally. Ironically, Gwaine seemed to be the first of them who had made up his mind. Because quite frankly – they were all stuck to make a decision about Merlin. 

Lancelot – not because he hated magic. Quite the opposite really. But because he had trusted Merlin and Merlin had forced them out of their homes. Out of Camelot. Because a man he had trusted before had become a murderer and slaughtered people in the name of a king Lancelot didn't support.

Arthur because, well, you know his entire dilemma. 

Gwaine however, he had feared magic. And did so, despite what everyone else had said. What Katie just said would never have changed his mind.   
Neither would anyone else who had magic. No matter what they used it for. He would see them as people with a powerful weapon. A weapon they might not use. But a weapon non the less. A weapon they would never put to the side. Much like he disliked royals for the simple fact they had power. 

His dilemma shouldn't be so confusing to him. After all – Emrys was a sorcerer who was treated as royal in court. This should be easy.   
But Gwaine made this decision anyway.   
Though he knew what Lancelot knew now, about Merlin's magic, he knew something Lancelot didn't. Gwaine remembered Arthur. Gwaine remembered everything Merlin had ever done in his presence. And who for.

And Gwaine's opinion on Merlin was stronger than his conviction about magic.  
If Merlin and Emrys were the same person – as Arthur had so kindly told him, shortly after they met again. Then Gwaine knew only one truth. 

“If Merlin has magic.”, he began slowly, only waiting for someone to interrupt him.   
“Then she is right.”, he said as a matter of fact. Though Katie had long left.   
'How is it so easy for him to trust in Merlin?', Arthur wondered helplessly. Even Lancelot seemed worried and confused.   
“You have no idea how powerful he is.”, Lancelot said weakly. And thought of the betrayal he knew to be true of Merlin. 

“That doesn't matter.”, Gwaine shrugged. “I know him. Merlin would never, under any circumstances, hurt anyone he cares about. Not in his right mind would he ever hurt the princess. I don't know what has gotten into the two of you.   
But Merlin is my friend. The very least I owe him, is that he gets the chance to explain what the hell is going on.”

And that was that. 

Lancelot blinked. “Merlin was my friend too.”, he said and closed his eyes. “And I saw him kill the king.”, he said.   
Gwaine shrugged. “If Merlin killed Uther, than he deserved nothing but.”

Arthur frowned. “You're talking about my father here.”, he reminded him.   
Gwaine blinked. “No. I'm talking about Merlin.”, he said. “No offense, princess. But I met your father once. And I would rather like to pretend I never did.”

Arthur took another deep breath, while Lancelot contemplated all of what Gwaine just said. The blatant loyalty he displayed towards a man he only an hour ago had wanted to kill.   
With every sentence, Gwaine's confidence in his own decision and opinion grew. And Lancelot knew this was a fact very hard to ignore.

“I really don't know why you guys are still considering. But look around, guys. The sword Arthur is holding in his hand was made by Merlin! FOR Arthur. If that's not proof enough of his loyalty to you, then I don't know what is! You've been LIVING with him, Arthur.   
Only minutes ago you were ready to give up your entire destiny, your kingdom for him!  
What the hell did you see that you hate him now!”

Arthur had no response to that. “Merlin tricked me.”, he said slowly. But Gwaine looked like Arthur just physically hurt him with that.   
“How.”, Gwaine said. But it wasn't a question. “By taking care of you? By spending time WITH you? By doing everything YOU wanted him to do?” 

'How on earth does he know what my life with Merlin looked like?', Arthur wondered embarrassed. Did Gwaine really know Merlin that well? Or did he know Arthur's and Merlin's relationship that well?

“Look. Mate.”, Gwaine continued.  
“When we arrived here, you said you had just realized you were the prince. And you KNEW that Emrys had killed Uther. You must have KNOWN that Merlin killed your father.   
And still you told us not to tell Merlin. Because you wanted to stay with HIM.   
You told us Merlin doesn't even know you're the prince!” 

Arthur opened his mouth, but Gwaine cut him off. “You remembered more than the murder of your father, didn't you? What exactly do you remember that now you suddenly changed your opinion of one of your closest friends?”

Arthur didn't answer this time. How could he explain to Gwaine that he had thought he loved Merlin? That even now his guts burned from knowing that he had married a liar.   
Someone who hid his true self from him for years!  
Who made him forget the people he really loved! For what? His own benefit? His own -

'But Merlin was forced to do this.', the sane voice in his head replied again.   
Arthur shook his head. 'He wasn't forced to marry me! I have every right to be angry with him. He killed my father and I never had the chance to actually grief for him. He made me forget about my feelings for Gwen. He made me fall in love with him. He -'  
The sane voice sounded hurt at that. Was Arthur going insane?   
'You're right. He was never forced to marry you. But he did so anyway. You've spend a year with Gwen. You never fell back in love with her.', it reminded him.   
'He never enchanted you.'

'And how can I be sure about that?'  
'…', There was no response anymore. His sane voice unsure about that part. 

'He took over my kingdom. He served a monster. He became one, when he slaughtered innocent people.'  
Arthur wondered why he continued right now. Why he kept asking his sane voice to tell him again and again that 'Merlin never had a choice.' Arthur wanted to hear that Merlin didn't enchant him.   
That he realized that desire made Arthur stop in his thoughts.  
But the voice kept quiet. And Arthur's heart stayed in shambles. 

Arthur shook his head. Gwaine looked disappointed. 

“We should talk to him.”, Lancelot finally spoke up. Certainly surprised that right now, he was the only one capable of defusing the situation.   
Freya was keeping quiet still.   
“He needs to remember too.”, Lancelot said. But Arthur shook his head. 

“He would kill me.”, he said and grabbed his sword tighter.   
Gwaine was being furious. “He would never.”  
“He tried before.”, Arthur said, staring at the sword. Remembering his last vision. 

That seemed to have shaken Gwaine a little. And Lancelot as well. 

Now, it was Freya who spoke up. “We need to get going.”, she said softly. “Or rather, you three need to, before Merlin notices your absence.   
Camelot awaits.”  
She turned to walk back to the lake, so Gwaine stopped her.   
“You're not coming with us?”, he asked. Not even sure what they were supposed to do in Camelot. Or how they were supposed to continue at all – since they were all stuck in this conflict that none of them knew to resolve.

“No.”, she said weakly and locked eyes with Arthur.   
“You know.”, she said. “What you said earlier – Katie is not the only one who grew up feeling like a monster.”  
Arthur turned his head to her. He felt like he had seen her before. But only briefly – in Camelot...

“When I was alive -”, she said and Arthur gaped, surprised to learn that she was dead. Because somehow he had never known that.  
“I was cursed to become a monster every night.”, she said. “And to kill.”, she added, like that made it any better.   
“Merlin made me believe that I could change. He made me feel loved, even though I knew what I was. And that my curse couldn't be broken.”

Arthur remembered her. Oh and how he did now. He had seen her pained face exactly one time.   
The day he killed the basted.   
She WAS the basted.   
Arthur didn't know what he was supposed to feel about that. This was one story too much for his bruised everything. 

“I didn't realize then that Merlin was magic itself. That he was much more like me than anyone else I ever met. We wanted to run away together. Live at a lake. With a forest and wildflowers. Far away from any civilization, so I could never hurt anyone.”, she said sadly and looked in the direction of the hut that her ex boyfriend lived in. 

“You killed me before I ever had that chance.”, she said and Arthur heard the two men catch their breaths.   
“I don't blame you, really. But I am jealous.”, she said quietly. “That you got to live the life I could never have.”

“Is that why you talked to me? Why you wanted me to remember? Because you never wanted me to have that life?”, Arthur said. But he wasn't really angry at her. Not now, not when that life was in shambles anyway. Not when he still didn't know what to make of Merlin. 

“It's part of it.”, she said quietly.   
“But -”, she said and closed her eyes. “You've treated him so much better than I ever hoped I could. I wish I could have just watched him be happy with you forever.   
I hated that I knew it had to change one day.”  
There was another beat of silence, when Arthur never said anything. 

“Merlin felt like a monster, too.”, she said and Arthur looked up again. “You made him feel loved enough to know better.”

Arthur bit his lip. “Our life here was nothing but a lie.”, he said and felt like the grasp around his heart tightened again. Freya shook her head.   
“That was before.”, she said and then – for the first time since they came here – she smiled.  
“He always loved you. Even back then.”, she said. Those were her last words before she left. Maybe to find Katie and lead her home the way they came.   
Maybe she was just going home herself.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAND now we have over a 100 written pages now :) And we're still not in Camelot!!!!  
> I love Lance's reaction though XD

“Emrys, do you remember the day Uther Pendragon died?”, Agravaine said, as he made himself at home in Merlin's and Arthur's house.   
Merlin was praying desperately that Arthur wouldn't come home now. If he did, Arthur's life would be in danger.   
Merlin pressed his lips together and nodded. He felt like he was tied to his chair, while Agravaine cut himself a slice of bread. 

“Do you also remember who your loyalty lies with?”, Agravaine asked and raised an eyebrow with a grin.   
'My loyalty lies with Arthur.', Merlin wanted to say, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything. So he nodded instead. Not daring to challenge Agravaine. 

“I ordered you to listen to Mordred's orders as long as I see fit. The time has come for you to be a one man shadow. You will only listen to ME. Understood?”

Merlin knew his eyes were flaring red again. He nodded, tears already burning in his eyes.   
“Good. Your holidays are over. You are coming with me.”, Agravaine said.   
Merlin felt the order tug at his heart. Somehow, he felt even less free than before. His ties to Mordred were broken. But in their stead another set of chains was placed. All connected to one man. Agravaine.

The traitor of Camelot. Apparently it didn't matter who was king.   
Agravaine would always betray the kingdom. The people in charge. His own family. His friends. People he pretended to care about.

If Mordred knew about this – if Kara did! Kara would be so mad if she learned Merlin wasn't Mordred's puppet anymore.   
“Yes, Sire.”, Merlin's head bowed. He needed to in front of royalty. That too – had once been an order he couldn't refuse to obey.

Agravaine watched him from his seat. Drinking a cup of wine slowly.   
“You know – I noticed you keep watching the door. Are you waiting for someone?”  
Merlin bit his lip. He couldn't lie. Not even now.   
“Yes.”, he said. It was barely enough information to satisfy the order of never-lie that he had received oh so long ago. But it was as much as he would dare to admit.  
He fiddled with his hands under the table. Moreover – he fiddled with the ring Arthur had gifted him about a year ago. Back when he had proposed to Merlin. A nervous habit he hardly ever noticed. Agravaine did. 

“Show me your hands.”, Agravaine seemed to be guessing his distress. Seemed to know precisely what was going on. Merlin hissed a deep breath and held his hands out for Agravaine to see.   
He closed his eyes, already knowing that Agravaine would laugh at the sight.   
He was right. Agravaine barked out a laugh.

“Oh god, Emrys.”, Agravaine looked plenty amused. “You didn't seriously think you could live a happy and normal life out here? Married – really.” The man shook his head.   
“Trust me, Emrys. Love isn't a thing someone like you should worry about. It doesn't suit your power.”

Merlin hated him more and more with every word.   
“Where is she?”, Agravaine asked, looking around. “I'd love to meet her.”  
Merlin should probably point out the mistake in that sentence, but he found – if Agravaine made wrong assumptions – then that was his own fault. That wasn't a lie Merlin had told him. It was a lie Agravaine told himself and that would stand uncorrected as long as possible.

Merlin sighed. “I don't know. Went out this morning, hasn't come back yet. Didn't tell me where.” He avoided using 'He' in that sentence. Not like that was needed anyway.  
Agravaine's amusement grew. 

“You don't think she's cheating on you, are you?”, Agravaine asked and shook his head in mock sympathy. Why was he saying that? To taunt Merlin? “Since she's not here and you don't even know where she is?

“She would never!”, Merlin shot back. And then – blanked.   
'Wait. Did I just -?!' Merlin was confused. Did this not count as a lie? That was strange. 

Maybe he just went with the flow of Agravaine's words and that didn't count as lying then? Merlin really didn't know how this enchantment worked. 

“So sad. To trust someone so much – how bad do you think will the betrayal feel?”  
Merlin didn't blink, he didn't answer either. Why was Agravaine so quick to make such a wild guess? That was SO rude!  
“Right. Right. Of course. Anyway, I need you in Camelot. There is someone I need to get rid of.”

Merlin shuddered.   
“It's time for you to be the shadow again, Emrys. MY shadow. I know that Leon made the whole thing with you having a clue where the prince is up. I don't know how you got Morgana on your side to cover for you. But it's time to get rid of her.”  
Agravaine was still thinking out loud.   
“By the way – if we pass your wife – you should kill her on the spot. I really don't need someone to try and stop us.”

Merlin began to sweat heavily. A killing order. That had been a while. And two at once as well. He closed his eyes. 'I won't kill Arthur.', he promised himself.   
'I won't. I can't. And if it's possible, somehow – then I won't kill Morgana either!'

“Good then. Let's move.”  
Merlin followed like a puppet on a string. His eyes flaring red completely. Merlin had seen his eyes once like this. In a mirror. They looked like they were infected. Blood ridden, like an immense pressure rested on them. Not enough to make them explode. But strong enough to bruise them somehow. 

Merlin watched Agravaine from behind, then dared to look back at the house. His eyes flashed golden for merely a second, as he found something he 'd been searching for. Then he turned back to Agravaine – who apparently hadn't noticed his sudden use of magic.   
Typical non – mages. No idea when they were being played. 

Merlin stopped in his tracks, as he turned around. Agravaine and him had barely managed to reach the road, as a woman stood in their way.   
She looked sad. But beautiful anyway.   
Merlin knew her. Knew her all too well. To see her again – now – was painful. He had not forgotten her – but he had long moved on.   
How dare she return now? 

A deep, dark pain interfered with his inner conflict of leaving Arthur. Long lost love and guild for moving on rising to the surface once more. 

“Freya?”, he asked in a wave of emotion, hurt and regret evident in his tone. Why now?  
Agravaine seemed to see that very well. And – as the fool that he was – misjudged Merlin's reaction for something else. As though this was simply regret for betraying her on Agravaine's orders. He misjudged who she was.

“Is she your wife?”, Agravaine asked, an amused smile on his lips. Freya looked at Agravaine as though she had known he would come sooner of later.   
“I am – what of it?”, she said, her arms crossed, her tone in a warning.   
Agravaine smiled, but Merlin was too confused to speak up. Which was probably a good thing not to do right now. Freya looked like she knew exactly what was going on. And what she was doing. 

'Merlin.', she transmitted to him with the telepathic link that all druids – and Merlin – shared. 

'It's good to see you, Freya.', he transmitted back through their mind connection. 'I – how are you here? What are you saying? I would have – I -', Merlin didn't even know what he was going to say. He was too stunned to see her here. In flesh and blood and alive after so many years of mourning her loss. 

'We don't have time. But I know what's going on. This moment was prophesied. You have to kill me. Now.'

Merlin blinked. 'What?', it was hard to keep his outburst of pain hidden.   
'If you kill me now, he will believe that I am your wife. And he will move on when he's convinced I'm dead. Then Arthur is safe. Don't worry, I won't really die. I'm already dead. I'm the lady of the lake. A spirit. No matter what you do – I cannot and I will not die. So please, hurry and protect Arthur.'

Merlin stared at her. Wondering. Doubting. Being afraid for her and of this choice.   
The conversation was quick, as was the decision, because it needed to be. 

She looked certain. Merlin couldn't deny this. And she sounded serious. Merlin hardly had a choice, did he?  
'I trust you.', Merlin send back to her and raised his hand in an absolute motion. He send her flying backwards, nothing more. She was not his real wife. He didn't HAVE to kill her. He wouldn't try to – not even when she couldn't die anyway.   
This was Freya. He would never hurt her.  
Agravaine seemed to have noticed his hesitation though, despite the order, and he walked forwards to check on her vitals. Just to make sure Merlin hadn't suddenly learned to disobey him. 

He grinned, as he looked at Merlin. “You've done well, Emrys. She's dead.”

'What an idiot, am I right?'. Freya send to Merlin reassuringly. 'I'm a spirit. I have no pulse and I don't breathe.'  
Merlin had never felt such relief before. 

Agravaine was too sure of himself – of his orders. Of his power. He hardly questioned Merlin's actions anymore at this point. Freya lay dead in the grass. Allegedly.   
Her thin frame pale and motionless in the sunlight.   
'We really need to stop meeting like this.', Merlin send to her tiredly. Meaning, her appearing for one god damn day and then disappearing forever again right after. 

He really hoped Agravaine didn't see the smile that tugged on her dead lips at that. 

“Come with me now. Throw her body in the lake, or something, so she won't be found.”, Agravaine said, still not noticing the lack of emotional reaction in Merlin's expression. Maybe – because Merlin was just stunned and confused at the sudden turn of events. 

Merlin nodded, his head held down. As he rose the lady of the lake into the air and tossed her into the lake. Honestly – Agravaine could have made him make her disappear in so many ways. And ironically he chose to order Merlin to send her home.   
What. An. Idiot.

He would go with Agravaine, he knew that. But at least Arthur was safe. For now.

Actually, he wasn't. Merlin realized with a painful start. Arthur wasn't. Because right now it didn't matter WHO Arthur was. If he was the prince or not was of no matter anymore.   
Agravaine had given him the order to kill his wife. Chances were, Merlin's magic would react to Arthur to kill him immediately, should they ever reunite. If he could call him 'she' in that conversation earlier – then the order would make no difference if he called him husband or wife. Arthur would never be safe with Merlin ever again.   
Merlin would never see him again. He couldn't – not if he wanted him to live. He closed his eyes, realization washing over him.   
Pain and fear taking over. He hated Agravaine. He hated him so much. He always had. Now it was even worse.

\-----------------------------

Arthur, Gwaine and Lancelot stalked through the forest quietly. Far too quietly for either of their tastes but Arthur's.   
Arthur – who was barefooted still. Who wore wet and sandy clothes and who was mourning the loss of his father, grieving the betrayal of his husband, regretting his life choices in the past two years and fearing for the future.   
He dragged the magic sword with him, like it could burn him any second and his headache was getting worse with each step.   
He could barely move from the pain – but he refused to sit down now. 

He refused to face the consequences of his word exchange with Katie earlier. He refused to regret calling them monsters. Because they – despite their powers – just left him alone to fight his war against the current king. Like magic users always did. Like the druids always did.  
That – or they betrayed him.

A druid boy whom Arthur had saved years ago was king now. The memories came back one by one. Slower now – since the most of them had already resurfaced painfully.  
It hurt enough to make Arthur only focus on his breathing. And on the pain in his feet, when he walked on rocky roads or the wild ground. 

He was pretty sure he had cut his feet open. And at this point he was quite glad for it – because it distracted the pain in his mind with the burning sensation he felt with every step. 

“Are you sure, we shouldn't go and take Merlin with us?”, Gwaine asked after a while. The name itself send anger boiling through Arthur's system.   
“Absolutely.”, he said. But it was not an answer – it was an order. It meant : “Don't you dare ever speak of that name again!”

Lancelot had been contemplating his opinion ever since they began walking. And it was already dark. “Won't he come searching for you at some point?”, he asked carefully.   
“If he does, I'll run him through with the sword.”, Arthur retorted, his grip around the magic sword tightening. 

Gwaine frowned. “You won't kill Merlin! Not on my watch!”, he dared, but that only made Arthur stop and point the sword at him.   
“In case you haven't listened – Merlin is immortal! He would survive this!”  
“He wouldn't – and you know it. The sword is designed to kill the undead, Arthur! I'm pretty sure that includes immortals.”, Gwaine gave back, but he sounded more worried than mad.   
Of course. He was a bit confused in his morals right now. 

Certain to defend Merlin at all costs – but he understood Arthur's reaction. Well – kind of.   
Arthur's face twisted into something – regretful – worried – surprised. 'Would Merlin really make me a weapon that could actually kill him?', he wondered. And a part of him found it easy to believe. The other was mad at him for even suggesting it.

Right. He should have known that. Didn't they mention that before? He could hardly remember. The pain in his head kind of mixed up his new memories with old ones.  
He hadn't actually meant to speak of murdering Merlin anyway. He knew he couldn't run Merlin through. Which was a painful thought in itself.

Merlin truly had him wrapped around his fingers. That even now – after the betrayal – after he felt like his heart was bleeding out – he still wanted to trust Merlin.   
Merlin was a monster – but the more time passed – the more painful steps he made – the more obvious he felt the distance between him and his husband. 

A man he had given his kingdom up for. Because he loved him.   
Did he still? Arthur felt another stab in his heart. No, he didn't, he decided. He couldn't. Not the murderer of his father. Not the man who tried to kill Morgana. Not the man who fought wars in the name of another king and slaughtered innocents for their profit.   
No – not ….  
Arthur closed his eyes with a deep breath as he could see Merlin in his mind. Crying from nightmares, where he remembered everything he had done. Confided in Arthur. Apologized to someone he didn't even know he had to apologize to.   
Arthur remembered long night conversations. Merlin's regrets. Merlin's fears.   
He knows every scar on Merlin's body. Some of them, Merlin doesn't even know how he got them. Or why. 

There was a massive burn on Merlin's chest. Nimueh did that. Nimueh who is dead. But Merlin didn't remember why he killed her.   
There were scars of torture – scars of working in secret for many years. Scars of misdirected crossbows. Of arrows stuck in his body. Small scars that now that Arthur remembers, might have come from goblets he had personally thrown at Merlin. 

Arthur shook his head. He was spiraling again. Merlin's pain was not the same as Merlin's deeds. Him regretting his life choices didn't make up for the fact that he unleashed the Dragon on Camelot. So many people had died for that!  
So many people had died because of Merlin. 

He felt even more tears sting in his eyes and Lancelot seemed to finally notice his distress.   
“Maybe, we should take a break.”, he said calmly. Kindly.   
“We're all tired. So much happened today.”, he said and put an arm on Arthur's shoulder.   
Arthur faintly nodded and Gwaine seemed to agree as well. 

They decided to make up camp right here. Gwaine and Lancelot had taken their belongings with them – as they hadn't wanted to leave them at the shore. So at least they had some food they could share.   
And ale. Gwaine always made a point of bringing enough ale on a trip to get drunk for a whole weekend. 

Arthur was too tired to move any further. So he let Lancelot and Gwaine prepare the fire for them. He just curled up on the ground, inspecting his dirty feet. They were covered in blood and crust and if he wasn't careful – they would soon get infected. He could already hear Merlin's voice in his head. “Arthur, seriously? Can't you take care of yourself?”, and then he would just heal him and everything would be fine.   
Arthur closed his eyes at the thought. 

He heard a noise – someone shuffling the leafs. And for a second – a blissful, painful, second where the noise made him forget everything else he had been thinking about – he thought Merlin would stumble through the bushes and do just that. Lecture him on health care. And the importance of shoes. 

But it was just Gwaine, who carried a whole lot of wood in his arms. He noticed Arthur's hopeful expression though. And saw it dampen at the realization that it was just him. Just Gwaine.  
Arthur bit his lip. 

He was so used to seeing Merlin everywhere. He was so used to being happy with him. It kinda hurt to know it was all a lie.   
It was all pretend. It confused Arthur. He shouldn't hope to see Merlin. He shouldn't be used to it. He shouldn't -  
He shuddered another breath at his inner conflict.  
Years of love and devotion don't just pass at the revelation that someone betrayed you. It just doesn't. It made it hurt even worse. 

“It's just you.”, Arthur said damply, since Gwaine wasn't moving.   
“Who were you expecting?” 

Arthur didn't answer that. He stared at his hands instead. The golden ring on his right hand. Gold. Gold was Merlin's color. The color of his eyes when he did magic.   
Right in front of Arthur. The audacity, the irony.   
Arthur used to love it. Merlin looked so free doing magic. So happy to be himself – finally. With Arthur. As much as he could with half his memories blurred.  
Magic was a wonder, was what Arthur had concluded from that. Magic could make you see life more intensely. More lovely. More beautiful.   
Merlin used to tell him how he could feel magic everywhere around him.   
And that Merlin's magic seemed happiest when performed for Arthur. 

“You're acting strange, Arthur.”, Gwaine finally said. “Did you think I was Merlin?”  
The question made Arthur flinch. Which was enough confirmation for Gwaine that he was right. Irritated, the man sat down in front of Arthur and began piling up the wood for a fire.   
“I know you hate magic, Arthur. And I know you're mad at Merlin. But that look just now – what was that? You're not making sense. And that's coming from ME!”

'How did you know anyway?'  
Arthur frowned. Glared even. Good thing Lancelot wasn't here to hear this conversation. He was still out – collecting more fire wood.   
Arthur sighed. And dazed out again. He didn't have it in him to talk about this. It was all so much. Too much for Arthur to handle at least. 

Gwaine threw up his hands. For one because he was done with Arthur's bullshit – for another he was just really incapable of making a fire. 

“Arthur, seriously. You're acting like you just learned your wife cheated on you!”

Oh god damn it and how Gwaine just hit the mark. Not quite the eye of the target – but pretty damn close. What was it with people assuming a marriage was husband and wife anyway?  
Marriage was a vow to spend the rest of your life with another person. Nothing more – nothing less. God, Arthur would have to divorce Merlin. Because until death does us part only works, if Arthur dies. Since Merlin just – won't. Probably. Arthur's heart ached at the thought. 

He covered his face as he winced at those words.   
Of all the comparisons Gwaine could have made – did he really have to use that one?

“Holy shit. You are in love with him!”, Gwaine began, but laughed a little. He shook his head, disbelieve evident in his features. Arthur groaned.   
“Was.”, Arthur gave back, but his heart squeezed at the obvious lie. He wasn't over it. Not yet. Maybe not ever. 'God I hope that's not true.' 

“Yeah sure. Have you even told him yet?”, Gwaine asked, but there was a shit eating grin on his face. 'That one -' Arthur grimaced. '- is so unnecessary.' Hadn't Arthur suffered enough?  
“Honestly, I'm so sorry for him.”, Gwaine tried to humor Arthur. To cheer him up. Maybe he didn't believe a thing he was just pointing out. Accurately pointing out. 

This wasn't funny at all.   
Arthur stood up, ignoring the pain in his feet.   
He walked away, just a couple of steps, but Gwaine hadn't stopped making fun of him yet. 

“Or were you two actually together? Is that why you're reacting like that?”

“Like what?”, Arthur hissed out, not turning around yet.   
“I don't know? Like someone pissed into your water or something.”, Arthur didn't need to see Gwaine to know he shrugged. 

“I know you hate magic – but now you're what – confused? Angry? Hurt? Because you were together and your boyfriend turned out to be the one who murdered your father? That's it, isn't it!”, Gwaine pointed at him like he just put two and two together.   
So close to the truth and yet so far away. 

“Come on – Arthur. I know you. I know how reserved you are when it comes to love and stuff. How long have you been together?  
Have you even kissed him yet? Is that what makes you so angry because you remember now that he used to be your servant?”

Arthur was holding his breath now. The anger in him unraveling. He knew, if Gwaine wasn't going to shut up, he would soon throw something at him. Anything – just anything.   
He would throw a shoe – if he had one.

“I'm right, aren't I?”, Gwaine sighed with the passion of a disappointed father. “Look, mate – if it's just a kiss – you two can get over it. It's nothing to worry a – what the hell?”

Arthur has had enough. He pulled his ring from his finger and threw it at Gwaine's head.   
Turning around, fury in his eyes. The ring hit Gwaine right at his forehead and landed quietly on the grass beneath his feet. 

“Shut the FUCK UP, Gwaine!”, was all Arthur could say – before he realized his breathing was going too frantic. His words too close to sobbing, his tears to close to shedding.   
Shuddering, wobbling in his stance, Arthur wiped away the tears and turned around again.   
“I'm going for a walk.”, he said. He needed to be alone.   
Gwaine was left sitting there – in front of the unlit fire. His eyes wide from realization as he picked up the golden ring.   
He kept staring after Arthur – even as he had long disappeared into the forest.   
“I was kidding.”, Gwaine regretted. 

\----------------------------------

Lancelot came back just in time to see Gwaine pick up something from the ground, while Arthur just shouted at him to shut up.   
His back disappeared into the forest. Gwaine frozen in his seat, staring at the object in his hand. Talking to himself, as though he hadn't noticed Lancelot arriving. 

Lancelot sighed, before sitting down next to Gwaine.   
He sighed even deeper as he saw the wood that Gwaine had collected. Was he an amateur or something? There is wood that burns easily and then there is wood that only burns if the fire is already lit! With this crap he would never manage to make a fire!  
He had collected dark woods that were slightly wet. Lancelot shook his head and build up his own wood. Pale colored – dry wood. Burns a lot easier than the other stuff they had collected.   
Lancelot didn't know the names to the trees these branches were from – but Gwen had shown him what they looked like. Back, when they had escaped Camelot. 

“What did you say to him?”, Lancelot asked exasperated. 

Gwaine didn't answer. 

“Gwaine -”, Lancelot repeated himself annoyed. 

Wordlessly, Gwaine reached out his hand. He wasn't even looking at Lancelot – who now had to stop making the fire to receive the object that Gwaine had found on the ground. 

The object was small and hard and GOLDEN!   
Lancelot stared at it, slightly confused for a second. “Did you -”, he asked, absolutely irritated now.   
Gwaine was still quiet – he looked utterly distraught. Something that lay beyond surprised, but wasn't quite shock. It was a horror that came from realization and sympathy, not fear.

“Did you just get rejected?”  
Gwaine turned around – a flabbergasted look on his face. “I didn't propose to him – if that's what you're asking.”  
Lancelot frowned, turning the ring in his hand.   
“Then what's this?”, Lancelot asked. 

“Arthur and Merlin are married.”, Gwaine said slowly, as if to prepare Lancelot for the words, and yet like he was ripping of a bandage. 

Lancelot gasped. “WHAT?”, he exclaimed, staring at Gwaine with an open mouth. 

A few beats of silence stretched between them. Enough time to stare and process what he just heard and -  
“They are WHAT!!!!!”, Lance repeated.   
“Holy - “, he caught another breath. Nope. Breathing wasn't enough.   
“When the hell – how ? What?”  
He kept breathing – trying to get his own shock under control. 

“What the fuck?”, he said, receiving an odd look from Gwaine. 

“FUCK!”, Lancelot repeated himself, startling Gwaine. Who was surprised. Who wouldn't be? Lancelot never swore. NEVER. It was a testimony to his character that he never did.   
But now he was standing up in utter confusion. A weird mix of glee and surprise and shock and actual distress in his voice. 

“When the fuck did THIS happen.”, he pointed at the ring like he had never seen such a thing before. Which was honestly ironic, since he had a similar one on his own ring finger. 

Gwaine eyed him equally distressed.   
“I mean – If you think about it – it's not THAT surprising. They've always been close. But this -”, Gwaine shook his head. “Last time I saw him – he was still head over heals for Gwen. And now I see you guys again and Gwen married you! Who is apparently her first love and Arthur married MERLIN.  
I know you don't remember – but they bickered so much all the time. I – GOD!  
No WONDER he's acting all stressed out!”, Gwaine pulled at his own hair, while Lancelot just kept repeating himself: “What the actual FUCK! What the FUCK!”

“And I -”, Gwaine sounded regretful. “And I teased him for it! I was just kidding! I knew they were living together – but who would have thought -”, he interrupted himself. He never knew Arthur as a romantic sap who allowed himself to be happy. That was far more surprising than knowing who he was married to. Just the fact itself – mind blowing. 

“What the fuck.”, Lancelot still whispered to himself. Inspecting the ring like it was going to burst into multiple copies of itself in a matter of seconds. 

“I think he needs some time. Let's give him some space.”, Gwaine said worriedly and looked after where Arthur had left.   
He really – really hoped – he was doing the right thing just now. 

“Yeah – so do I!”, Lancelot gave back. “What. The. Actual. Fuck. Gwaine!”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @Merthurshipper  
> Thank you for motivating me to continue this story :)  
> I've had this sitting as a WIP for quite some time, because I actually have to edit a few things from the previous chapters. But upon rereading it, I have decided it can wait for now.  
> I will finish it first.  
> And not to praise myself. But damn I did reread a bunch of beautiful lines and anecdotes and shit.  
> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ENCOURAGING ME TO REREAD IT!!!!!  
> I was dreading it so much XD Not anymore. Here you go! 
> 
> (Art: as usual, by me :) instagram: @changelink23, tumblr. @changelink )
> 
> You are right... it has been MONTHS!!!!!

Lancelot was clearly having a crisis. And not for the reason you might suspect. In fact, it wasn't exactly the development of Arthur and Merlin being together that shocked him, if that's what you thought.  
It was that he hadn't seen it coming. Despite him being the one with the most memories (of the people with the lost memories) and information, he hadn't known. He was Arthur's best friend and he hadn't known!  
It was the fact that only moments ago, he was still processing that Arthur was the prince and therefore future king of Camelot.  
And now he realized that he was the Ex - boyfriend of his wife. Which neither of them had known.

Then there was the fact that Merlin was a traitor to the kingdom. Lancelot had set his mind to maybe having to protect Arthur from him. Not to find them …. married.  
He knew Arthur. He knew how hard changes were for him. How unstable his condition was with all the memory loss and stuff. And he knew Arthur wasn't ready to settle down last time they saw him.  
The mere fact that he was ready to leave Gwen and him on such short notice had been a shock.  
To find that he now – well – settled down with a man who was apparently ordered to kill him -  
That he settled down with a man who promised nothing but problems and changes...

Let's just say this was a lot.  
It should be easier for Gwaine – because he remembered stuff that Lancelot didn't. It was easier for Gwaine, because the man had known how little he knew about their situation and was therefore prepared to approach things with an open mind.

Lancelot – was not that.  
Lancelot was shell shocked to realize he was suddenly the one who knew the least. When before – he had the most intel on their shared memories. Since he knew about Merlin's magic, even before he had turned against the kingdom.  
Gwen hadn't. Arthur definitely hadn't.

Speaking of magic. Arthur had learned to accept magic over the year he had spend with Lancelot and Gwen and well – Katie. Now, all of a sudden, they were back to square one.

Actually, the thought of Arthur getting married had never even occurred to Lancelot.  
And for some reason – for all he knew Arthur – he would have expected Arthur needed someone less complicated. Someone who grounded him by being not magical. By being sturdy and uptight. Not such an aloof character as Merlin was.  
Furthermore, he had tried to set Arthur up with people before – but Arthur had never picked up on them. He was too uncertain about himself to engage in any form of relationship (Except for friendships.).

Also... Lancelot did remember Merlin in Camelot and he had been much the same.

“Lance, are you okay?”, Gwaine finally asked.  
And that's when the headache hit him.

\---------

“Say, Merlin, have you ever been in love?”

They were at a bar. One of the few nights out that Arthur and his servant attended together.  
Lancelot may not be a knight. But he was honorable enough to be invited.  
And if Merlin was here, then Lancelot was allowed too.  
This game they played – it was truth or dare. Just without a dare. Which made it basically a normal conversation. But with topics they just wanted to annoy each other with. And questions nobody wants to be asked.

Merlin chuckled, then shook his head. “No?”, it sounded like a question. Which was always an invitation for the knights to pester him.

“Oh come on – Merls. I'm sure there has been someone who caught your interest!”, Sir Gareth had asked and nudged Merlin's shoulder.  
“Yeah, sure.”, Arthur crossed his arms with a mocking glance.  
“I believe Merlin. I was just messing with him. I would know if there was one.”

Lancelot shook his head. For all Arthur talked, he surely knew little about his best friend. He still hadn't gotten the hint that Merlin was far too drunk already for someone who allegedly spend far too much time at the tavern. And should have build up a lot more stamina. (Not really drunk, but enough to have loosened up a considerable amount.)  
The bartender had asked, if he was off age yet! Sometimes Arthur was a real twat.

Merlin fumbled with his hands, too drunk to lie. “Actually – there was someone. Once.”, he said, head shaking from side to side. A painful smile plastered on his face.

Arthur stopped drinking his ale, a mix of confusion and something else suddenly plastered on his face. “Please don't tell me it's Gwen. Because I talked to her. She told me it was completely one sided!”  
Merlin laughed, as the knights gaped at him. Then they broke into laughter.

“What? No! I never liked Gwen.”  
“That's why I said it was one sided you dimwit. Who knows what was wrong with her back then. Clearly her taste has improved.”  
That earned him more laughter. And soon enough, Arthur offered the next round.  
“You're right. Lancelot clearly was an improvement from that. Too bad old habits die hard, right, Sire?” (The – because Gwen had dropped her expectations for you was implied. But Arthur saw right through Merlin.)

Lancelot choked on his drink as he finally lost his composure too. It wasn't that funny, really. Especially considering that Arthur liked Gwen and she liked him back too. But alcohol makes you laugh at the most unsettling things sometimes.

“Excuse me then, Merlin! I have you know – Gwen is very lucky to have -”, Arthur stopped himself. After all – it was Arthur who kept saying Gwen and him could never be together.  
Since she was a servant and he was a prince.  
“Yes, you are so right Sire. She's really lucky she holds the favor of the crown prince himself. Even if that is all, she'll ever get. But you know – if I was her – I would totally exploit you for your money! Not saying that she would – of course.”  
Merlin barely saved himself with that last one. But Arthur was pissed now.

“Oh yeah. And what was so great about you that your lucky lady decided to – urgh – NOT stay?”  
Arthur should not have said that. The knights were still laughing. Not knowing just how loud that mental slap echoed in the room.  
Merlin's laughter died in an instant.  
“I -”, Merlin cleared his throat.

“Come on now – Merlin. What was it? Your wits? Your incredible charm? The fact that you are NOT rich?”  
Merlin's eyes averted his king.  
“Merlin?”, Arthur suddenly stopped. The lack of a witty response suddenly catching up to his fuzzed brain.

Merlin fiddled with his thumbs. “It's erm – it's not funny. Really.”, he said, shaking his head.  
“Did she cheat on you?”  
Suddenly the atmosphere was quiet again. The knights too seemed to realize the shift in the atmosphere. It was tense. But not in a too uncomfortable way. Merlin knew Arthur didn't mean it in a bad way.

“We –“, Merlin took a deep breath. “The girl and I -”, he said as calmly as possible. “We had planned to run away together.”  
There was a pause. Arthur's eyes widening. “Run away?”, he asked incredulous. If Merlin had found someone who could make him leave Arthur – even the knights put down their drinks now and listened carefully.  
“We planned to build a house, at a lake with flowers and mountains and cows.”, Merlin chuckled a little. And normally, Arthur would have made fun of him for being girlish with that dream.  
“We were going to live on a farm together.”

Arthur let his drink sit on the table as well. Clearly struck with something else. Something familiar. He seemed to recognize that dream.

Later, when Lancelot and Gwen passed by each other and he quietly asked her if she had known about Merlin's plan, she would tell him “no”.  
But that once upon a time – Arthur had told her of a similar dream that the prince had. Of running away. Escaping his destiny.  
And Lancelot asked her, if she would go with him, if Arthur ever decided to follow through with that plan.  
She said “No. I wasn't invited.”  
“No?”, Lancelot would ask. And Gwen would just chuckle and shake her head.  
“No. But he had decided he would take Merlin with him. They are idiots. Both of them.  
Arthur doesn't even know how much he loves Merlin.” She meant it in a platonic way then. But she was more right than she ever knew.

Now, however, Arthur just stared at his servant. Who was clearly distraught by these memories.  
“You wanted to run away from here?” The “without me” was silent. “The from me.”, so quiet you would hardly dare to think it. The knights all lacked the right context. So only Arthur and maybe Merlin could see what he was really asking.

Merlin just shrugged. “A man does strange things for love.” They all nodded, remembering times when they had made similar mistakes. (All except for Leon who seemed slightly confused at their admissions. “we do?”, you could hear him ask one of his friends. A.N.:// I like the mood of oblivious aroace Leon. I know this isn't how all aroaces react and behave. But I enjoy his reactions this way and find them relatable on many occasions.)

“What changed your mind?”, Lancelot finally cut in, wondering how this particular story would end.  
Now, Merlin had regained his attention once more. Everybody curious what had happened to the (allegedly) one person that ever held Merlin's heart.  
Merlin was quiet for a moment, stretching the suspense of the moment. If on purpose or not was unclear. Looking from one person to another, as if to contemplate if it was worth telling them. Or if their reactions would just add to his grief.  
“She died.”, Merlin finally concluded.  
The look on Arthur's face would be burned into Lancelot's memories forever. Or so he thought.  
  


\--------------------

Lancelot stilled in his seat next to Gwaine. Holding his head. The last “What the fuck!” still echoing in the forest.

It appears, as Arthur learned more about himself , with Excalibur and that flower combined, the people around him – too – gained more memories.  
Only barely, they noticed the flowers next to them start to glow in an ominous light.

\------------------------------------------------

The ride back to Camelot was silent between Agravaine and Merlin. Not that that should be much of a surprise, really.  
After all, Merlin was trying to tell Agravaine as little as possible about what had happened during his break. Since he couldn't lie, he really didn't need more suspicion on his part.  
To Agravaine, Merlin was merely a tool. Not worth talking to.

Only when bandits crossed their path, Agravaine raised a hand at Merlin. And then ordered him to kill. It didn't matter, if Merlin tried to stop himself or his magic.  
It didn't matter, if he was begging for him to stop the order. In the end they rode through a path of bloody bodies. Smashed from their horses to the ground.  
Merlin closed his eyes, taking deep breaths. He hadn't killed in two years. He hadn't received an order in just as long.

He needed time to get used to it again. He hoped, he really really hoped, that one day he could make this stop.  
But so far, all he managed to do was avert his eyes. And breathe so hard it was as though he was trying to compensate for the breaths he had stolen.  
They rode in silence.

Merlin hoped, wherever Arthur was, he would find the note he had managed to leave behind in their shared home.  
Arthur should notice something was off. That Merlin wouldn't be gone this long without a reason.  
This was what Merlin had done when he gave the house one last longing look. Right before he pretended to kill Freya.

Magic truly could accomplish the most wondrous things. But when it came down to it, the part that Merlin liked the most were the mundane things.  
The easy, simple, daily tasks you could do with them so easily. And the best part was – the more discreet you were, the better the result of what you accomplished, the less people actually noticed you ever did anything.

The Arthur Merlin knew had always appreciated that part of his powers.  
Agravaine preferred his much more noticeable use of the art. Noticeable as in terrifyingly bloody and brutal.

Merlin missed Arthur already. 'Just please, don't come after me. I don't want you to see me like this.'

\---------------------

Arthur was strolling around the forest. Trying to catch his breath. For all his exhaustion, he had started to run at one point. Who cared that he had a friggin sword in his hand and could hurt himself with it any second?  
Who cared it was magical? Apparently everyone he ever loved was! Everyone he ever trusted had magic.  
Morgana, Katie, …. he came to a halt at another tree. Merlin.  
And you know, the thing that hurt the most was that he couldn't even hate them. Him.

Like – Morgana had shown very obviously that she had no intention to grab his crown. She had no intention to actually rule. She had not attacked him, even though his father had taught him that magic corrupted. He remembered all the sorcerer's that HAD been corrupted by it.  
But Morgana seemed fine.... considering her situation.

Katie on the other hand had never even lied to him. She had shown him her magic almost from the very beginning.

But Merlin -

Arthur had known him for years. Years and years and years. And he never even knew half of him.  
Always only a little.  
You could argue that Arthur had known him better now, that they were married. But the truth was, people only ever know what they remember. And that wasn't all that much, as you know.

You could say, Arthur had chosen not to know Merlin, as Merlin had chosen not to fully know Arthur. That's why they avoided triggering memories.  
To keep each other safe.  
But back then, before the memories, Arthur hadn't ever truly known Merlin. Never truly seen all sides of him.  
Merlin hadn't trusted him.

He could have who knows what kind of goals in Camelot and Arthur let him in to his heart.  
If Merlin remembered his goals, if he remembered who Arthur truly was.... what would he do then? Would he... maybe even be okay with all those orders he was forced to follow?

Arthur tried not to feel betrayed. He tried not to feel used. He tried not to feel scared.  
Arthur was the future king. It was his duty to keep his kingdom from harm. From magic. From corruption. He was supposed to marry a rich noble princess.  
He was destined to fight wars and bring peace.

Now he had neglected those duties. He had betrayed his father as much as Agravaine and Merlin had. Arthur had married the guy who was magic itself. And he hadn't fought for Camelot in years. Never interfered in other people's affairs.  
He was supposed to collect taxes. Now he was paying them.  
He had done exactly what he had hated the prince for. He had abandoned his duties. And even though he'd known there was a possibility that it was him... he had chosen to ignore it again!

This WAS his choice. This was exactly the choice he had made.  
He had WANTED this life. The worst part was, he still did! He wanted so desperately go back to oblivion. He wanted to badly to erase his mind, just to wake up in his and Merlin's hut again and watch him do magic without fearing his every move.  
Because it had been beautiful. Warm and comforting and inviting. He wanted that back.  
But it was too late now.  
Because his husband wasn't just a runaway mass murderer. He was the person who killed Arthur's father. Who lied to him for years.  
Who used his magic – this beautiful thing – to destroy everything Arthur loved!  
He was the reason why Arthur had run away from Camelot. He was the reason he abandoned Camelot – TWICE!  
He was the reason Arthur lost his memories!  
Arthur groaned. His mind was running in circles.

“Merlin is a sorcerer.”, he told himself. “He killed my father. He was ordered to kill me. He made everyone forget about me!”  
He took a deep breath. And then – he halted in the middle of a small clearing. Wind picked up, as his own breathing hitched.

Wait one second. What did he just think?  
There was no sound around him. No person had followed him. He was alone. He had neither heard nor seen anything.  
Something about that memory was odd.

Arthur stood up, leaning on the sword as he did so.  
He replayed it in his mind. How Agravaine had betrayed him. Ordered Merlin to kill the king. And to his horror, Merlin had done just that. Only one movement of his hand and his father was dead.  
Merlin's teary face directed at Arthur now. “How about you kill Arthur next?, Agravaine had suggested. And then Merlin's eyes had already been red.  
“Kill him, Merlin. Erase him from existence.” That was Merlin's order.

“Kill him.” The words echoed in Arthur's mind. Red eyes.  
Merlin had followed his orders without hesitation. Not because he chose to, but because he HAD to obey. And yet he had followed the order to erase Arthur from existence first. And half heartedly at that. Because Arthur was still here.  
“Kill him.”  
Arthur was still alive.  
“Erase him from existence.”  
Merlin had erased Arthur from everybody's mind. But he hadn't erased Arthur himself. Arthur still existed.

Arthur's eyes widened, as something warm seemed to wrap itself soothingly around his bleeding heart.  
“Merlin disobeyed the order.”, he realized with a start.  
And that -  
changed everything.

\--------------------------

Morgana was entirely unprepared, when Agravaine stormed the throne room.  
Mordred and her had been drinking tea in peace, while Leon kept boring his eyes into her intently, as if trying to quietly convince her to listen to him.  
But she ignored him.  
Instead, she had found the bracelet again that Morgause had once gifted to her and that kept her dreams away.  
Which, in hindsight, had been a horrid idea, because it kept the visions from her mind.  
She would have known, if she hadn't needed a clear head to help Mordred run the kingdom.

Now, when Agravaine entered, she sighed. Thinking that her peaceful few days without his unnecessary input were over now.  
(Kara was a bad enough presence to be around as it was.)  
But then she saw Merlin stumbled after Agravaine. His eyes completely red. His every step looked like he was being forced to make it.  
And maybe he was.

Morgana stood up apruptly. The scratching sound of her chair against the stone floor echoed in the large room.  
“Emrys.”, she said, face completely ashen now at the sight of the person who once poisoned her.

Mordred stood up excitedly. “Agravaine! You found Merlin! Merlin, come here -”  
Mordred had developed the awful habit to look past each and every evil deed Agravaine had ever done. And also forcing Merlin into hugs.  
But Merlin wasn't bound by the curse anymore. He wasn't responding.  
And when the realization hit Mordred, his smile fell instantly.

“Merlin? Is something wrong? Did the potion stop working?”

Merlin looked pained. So incredibly pained.  
And Morgana – for the first time in her life – realized her mistake. She had known Emrys would kill her. She knew Merlin was under the curse that made him obey each and every order of these men – but she had never seen him actively being forced to obey.  
It looked o so incredibly painful.

She breathed visibly. Her eyes wide and her mouth agape.  
“It was you!”, she turned to Agravaine. “YOU'RE the one who is -”

“Kill her.”, Agravaine said with the hint of a smile. Mordred screamed: NO!”, but Merlin's hand was already raised at Morgana.  
Mordred's order did nothing. Merlin whimpered, as he flicked his wrist and then -

If you thought it was that easy to kill Morgana – the high priestess of the old religion – who had magic to protect her and Mordred at her side to help her, you were easily fooled.  
Together they raised a giant shield of golden magic that averted Merlin's attack.  
Just for a moment, Morgana could see the relief in Merlin's eyes.  
And she recognized that look.

That was the same look he had worn when Morgana had survived the poisoning.  
The pained expression he wore before he casted his spell at her had been exactly the same as before he offered the flask to her.

Somehow her insides burned.  
It hit her like cold bricks. As spell upon spell was cast to fight off a man who never intended to hurt her.  
Merlin had no choice. Not then – not now.  
But why not then? Who had forced him to do this back then?

“Morgana -”, Merlin was whimpering, all while Agravaine laughed and kept ordering spell upon spell.  
Merlin obeyed, and soon had Morgana and Mordred cornered.

It was then that the doors blasted open again. “Mordred, I -”  
Kara's eyes widened at the sight in front of her. “Agravaine! What is the meaning of this!”, she said and stepped between him and Mordred. For just a few moments, the room was quiet again.  
'Where the hell are the guards, when you need them?', Morgana wondered and glanced at Leon, who had instinctively hidden under the table.  
Leon was not a coward. But in a fight between three sorcerer's and one man who had the absolute power over one of them... what could one simple knight without magic do?

“Get out of my way, Kara.”, Agravaine said and fetched his teeth at her.  
“Mercia's army is coming closer, you imbecile! We still might need her!”

“Kara?”, Mordred's voice sounded broken as he uttered her name. Kara send him an apologetic glance. “You know this has to be done, darling.”, she nodded knowingly.  
“Killing Morgana? KILLING MORGANA HAS TO BE DONE?”, he basically screamed.

“Merlin, seize them both!”, Mordred had an uncertain look in his eyes, as he tried to order Merlin around.  
But Merlin looked completely broken.  
His red eyes tiredly locked with Mordred. “I can't.”, he mouthed. And it was true. He couldn't follow the order. So he didn't.

“Kara, dear. As much as I value your council... you're too involved with Mordred.  
Emrys, kill her.”

This time... nobody could stop him. Merlin's eyes were tear trimmed, as he flicked his wrist at Kara. Kara, whose eyes widened in disbelieve, shock and betrayal.  
And then her body fell limp and she collapsed to the ground. Morgana's mouth fluttered open and closed in shock.

“Now. Where were we.”, Agravaine said and then almost laughed.  
“Ah yes, right. Emrys can take care of Mercia by himself. You however.”, his eyes set into a frown.  
“Merlin – kill them.”

\---------------------------------

When Arthur returned to camp, he had his mind set.  
On what, he didn't even know himself. But there was a determination rising within him, that he hadn't had before. A knowledge was approaching him. An understanding.  
And he would patiently wait for it to come to him.  
All he knew was – that his heart was slowly healing.  
He had the vague suspicion that the blue flower had something to do with it, because it kept glowing in his chest pocket.  
It felt like all those times when Merlin had told Arthur he loved him. It felt like all the times Arthur hadn't been able to say it back.... and he knew eventually a time would come, where he could again.  
He twitched a bit at that thought.  
Was it even smart to forgive Merlin? Or would he have to move on? He dreaded it. He dreaded the thought of moving on. Dreaded the thought of hating Merlin. Of wanting to hate him.  
He wanted to forgive Merlin, too. But more than anything... he wanted a reason to.

Armed with Excalibur and this glowing flower, Arthur found Lancelot and Gwaine cowered over someone.  
Someone who looked.... like a bandit.

In an instant, his mind was blanked once again.

“Are we being attacked?”, Arthur asked and ignored his own bloody feet, as he held up his sword. Ready to fight a whole army of bandits, if he must.  
But Gwaine and Lancelot only turned around at his approach. Their eyes fear- and dreadful.

“No.”, Lancelot shook his head.  
“He ran here. He's... he's a bandit. They were attacked.”

“By who?”, Arthur asked. But a part of him knew. There was a reason why Freya had said their time was running out. He lowered down to the man and tried to see where he was hurt.  
But the bandit was dead. It looked like he was choked to death, at least according to the blue color on his lips and the tears in his eyes.  
But there were no marks on his neck. Nothing that indicated anyone had hurt him.

Gwaine was shuddering as he took another breath. He reached over and held Arthur's ring in his outstretched hand.  
Arthur swallowed.  
“The shadow.”, Lancelot said instead of uttering the one name they all knew did this.  
Then again.... it was no lie.  
“He said the shadow did this.”

Arthur swallowed and sat down next to the corpse.  
He didn't grab for the ring immediately. He just stared at it for a second, before burying his face in his hands. “Fuck.”, he muttered.  
They had Merlin.  
Panic filled him. Merlin didn't even know....  
Anything really.  
He didn't know what Arthur knew. What he remembered. Nor what he just figured out!

And now he was all alone and a puppet on a string for Agravaine until someone saved him.  
Until Arthur saved him.  
Because who else could? Who else would?

“Arthur, we have to hurry. If they are already this far... we need to keep going!”, Lancelot urged.  
Gwaine bit his lip and was about to close his hand around the ring, when Arthur stretched out his own hand.  
Surprised, Gwaine looked at Arthur, then his hand.  
Arthur didn't look at him, but the wave of his hand told Gwaine everything he needed to know. He let the ring fall back into Arthur's hand.  
Arthur nodded in thanks and put it back on his ring finger. Still, without looking at it. Until it sat where it belonged. Then he glanced at it thoughtfully.

“Through sickness and health. Through the good and the bad times.”, he muttered and then stood up to face the unknown.  
“Lancelot is right. We have to go.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot tightens.  
> Honestly, I have no idea why I made Mercia attack. But now I have to go through with it. It's been a topic since chapter 1, after all..  
> Also poor Merlin.   
> I won't even shed a tear for you know who.

Arthur didn't have the energy to explain. All he could do was order his two best knights (even though they technically weren't even knights) to follow him.   
It seemed like on every crossroad, every camp they passed, the shadow had done his work.   
Hundreds of corpses, half a dozen empty villages. Only here and there they could hear and see a few survivors.   
Some who were leaning against trees, too shocked and traumatized to move.   
Others screaming and crying and wailing at the sight of their dead loved once. 

“Merlin did this?”, Gwaine asked. His voice was high and choked, as they passed through the villages.   
He asked every single time. Because he couldn't believe it.   
He couldn't believe the power his best friend had. Gwaine had JUST accepted magic for Merlin. Now he saw what Merlin himself did with this. 

“It's not his fault.”, Arthur answered quietly. 

“Then whose is it?”, Gwaine asked. Because quite frankly, he didn't know who Agravaine was.   
“It's mine.”, Arthur responded and gripped the hilt of his sword tighter.   
Because if they had been faster, if they WERE faster, maybe they would reach the villages soon enough to warn them.   
Maybe they would reach Camelot before Agravaine, instead of an hour after their chaos had been invoked over the innocents. 

Arthur knew that with every life taken, Merlin fell farther and father out of his reach.   
“Arthur, this isn't your fault! You must realize that!”

“Lance, I appreciate your concern. But we're wasting more and more time.   
I should never have gone on that walk. This IS my fault.”  
His tone was absolute. And his eyes were hardened.   
The benefit of regaining his memories was that Arthur was reminded on what it was like to be a warrior.   
He remembered his very first order from his father. How his knights hadn't respected him then. And how many innocent druids had been killed despite his every attempt to stop them.   
His look on the world had changed so significantly back then. 

“Arthur...”

'Every choice I've ever made, made me who I am. Every choice – no matter if right or wrong, no matter if by order or not, every choice had been my choice.   
Every choice had been Arthur.   
That's why I forgot everything about myself. Merlin erased my choices from my mind to protect me. He erased me from everyone else's mind, to protect me.', Arthur thought.   
And in an afterthought, his mind unhelpfully added: “he freed me from my destiny.”

“Let's hurry.”, Arthur shook his head and moved forward. 

They were already tired, it was dark and they had marched for almost two days in a row. But burning feet (Arthur's cut open feet were already going numb from all the ignorance on their behalf) weren't going to stop them. 

\-----------------------------------------------------

“Kill them!”, Agravaine said, again and again.   
And once more, Morgana and Mordred formed a shield to protect themselves.   
This had been going on for a while. And Morgana knew, panting and holding on to the little juice of magic she had left, that if Mordred wasn't on her side, she would have long been dead. 

Merlin looked utterly broken, as he send spell after spell after her.   
He broke the shields, Morgana and Mordred recast it.   
This went on for an hour. Spells flying back and forth. The energy was so bright and big, that at some point it began to ripple the walls apart. 

Even Leon couldn't hide under the table anymore. He stormed out the room to eventually find a few other sorcerers to help.   
After all, magic was legal now. Which meant that sorcerers and witches were part of the court.   
On Mordred's orders, of course.   
Also, someone had to inform the knights that they needed to barricade the citadel.   
It was clear that with such chaos among the royals who lead this country, it was impossible to fight a war this intense. 

Just when Morgana felt her magic running out, and Agravaine once more ordered Merlin to kill, a figure approached in the door.   
Fearlessly, barefooted and armed with merely a sword, a blond man stood on the threshold.   
He looked tired and exhausted, which given the circumstances, made sense. 

After all, Arthur had followed two men who were riding on horses.... by foot!  
Then again, killing villagers takes time. So that may have been Agravaine's fatal mistake.   
“You need to stop.”, Arthur said upon entering. 

When Merlin turned to him, there was nothing but uncovered fear in his eyes, as he saw him.   
And almost immediately raised his hand.   
“Merlin, don't.”, Arthur said, his voice quiet. Not demanding, but reaching out to Merlin. 

Merlin's lips quivered with something akin to loosing his mind.   
Agravaine however, seemed to notice Merlin's distress and almost belled a laugh.   
Morgana on the other hand, began to panic. Arthur had no magic! He was utterly defenseless. As were the two men behind him.   
“Arthur, stop! Agravaine is controlling Merlin! He can't disobey! You have to run!”

“Arthur?”, Agravaine turned to her, his eyes widened.   
“The prince? What are you waiting for, Emrys! KILL HIM!”

Merlin closed his eyes, utterly distraught, as his hand was trembling. And he was fighting as much as he could. But he couldn't fight this.   
He flicked his hand at Arthur.

…

“What?”, Agravaine stopped. As did Morgana and Mordred.   
Because nothing happened.   
Merlin's eyes opened wide. “What?”, he asked, just as intelligently as Agravaine had.   
Arthur locked eyes with him, uncertainly. 

“I think you weren't clear enough in your order.”, Arthur said, his eyes softened, as he stepped forward. His calm steps echoing in the hallway.   
“You ordered him to kill the prince of Camelot. Merlin doesn't remember that that's me.”  
Merlin's breath hitched.   
“Arthur?”  
'You remember?', he didn't even need to ask it. Arthur knew that that's what Merlin was asking.   
“I remember everything.”, Arthur said and stopped right in front of Merlin's red trimmed eyes. 

“I don't fucking care, who he is! Or what Merlin remembers! KILL HIM!”, Agravaine said again and once more Merlin flicked his wrist. A mere whimper escaped his lips, as he realized that he still couldn't stop himself.   
But Arthur didn't even blink.

Instead, he reached out for Merlin and took his hand in his. “I believe, this is yours.”, Arthur said and tugged the glowing flower from his chest poket.   
Incredulous, Merlin stared at Arthur, like he was miracle incarnate.   
The mere fact that he was still standing there, unafraid, spoke volumes that he was. 

“Merlin that was an order!”, Agravaine almost screamed.   
He heaved in a troubled breath.  
“Well, then kill Morgana! NOW!”  
Morgana's eyes widened, but Arthur still had Merlin's hand in his. Their eyes locked, as if that was all it needed to stop Merlin.   
Truth be told, it was. 

“I don't understand.”, Agravaine stumbled back, eyes wide with confusion. “What's happening?”

Arthur ignored him, while Morgana and Mordred exchanged a shocked glance, and then nodded at each other. With their last strained magic, they caged Agravaine in glowing ropes that surrounded him like a giant golden cage. 

“What the hell?”, Agravaine choked and tried to break through the chains, but he couldn't. 

“Merlin. You need to remember.”, Arthur sighed and pointed at the flower that was glowing bright and blue and happily between their intertwined palms.   
“Arthur, I don't -”, Merlin was close to sobbing, but the red was slowly being sucked out from his eyes.   
“Katie once told me, that magic is made of emotions, Merlin.”, Arthur said quietly and watched how his husband's eyes widened in surprise. 

“And I have reason to believe that I know now what your destiny is. What it always was. I think I know the reason why you did everything you ever did.   
Why you drank poison for me, why you kept risking your life in Camelot. Why you lost your purpose in life, after Mordred took over the throne. Why everyone forgot who I was.   
Even why you tried to poison Morgana.”, Arthur waved apologetically in Morgana's direction.  
Merlin searched for something in Arthur's eyes. His pupils deflating by just seeing Arthur alive and well. But also by recognizing the pain in Arthur's eyes.   
“For you.”, Merlin lamely concluded.   
Arthur nodded.   
“Do you know what this is?”, Arthur pointed at the flower. 

Merlin looked down at their intertwined hands. Then he shook his head barely noticeable.   
“This is a forgetmenot.”, Arthur stated and watched as Merlin tried to understand what that would mean.   
“You made it. You gave it to Katie, back when we first met. Merlin, you're the one who made everyone forget who I am. And you did that against your orders.   
And then a year later you give a flower to a girl which is practically begging me to remember.   
Katie said the flower was meant for me. Because the emotion it was made with called for me.  
You gave me the key to remember. This flower is WHY we started remembering!”

Merlin stared at the flower.   
“All the magic you ever used, Merlin. You have always used for me. And nobody else. And that is why you won't kill me. You can't.   
You wouldn't, if you were in your right mind. And you can't when you're not. Because you were made for me.”

Arthur's voice broke at the last sentence.   
Merlin's eyes began to widen once more. And Arthur could see the magical flower to glow even brighter now. And not just that.   
If you looked out the window, you would be able to see all the flowers in the streets blooming and glowing along with Merlin regaining his memories.   
You could see Morgana and Mordred and even Lancelot and Agracaine toppling over to remember the babbling and clumsy version that Merlin used to be. 

With his one free hand, Arthur cupped Merlin's cheek. Merlin's breathing hitched. Memories were flooding his mind.   
They visibly flashed through his eyes and tears upon tears started to spill from his eyes. 

“A wise man once told me -”, Arthur smiled now, even though his voice was hoarse and on the verge of breaking.   
“A wise man once said that maybe you have a destiny. But you chose how you do it.  
And Merlin you were destined to protect me. To be with me always. But you chose to love me, didn't you?” And that's when Arthur grabbed for Merlin's other hand, to show him the wedding ring.   
His grip was fierce, as if he was afraid he'd loose Merlin for good.   
Merlin trembled with the overwhelming headache, as he fell forward into Arthur's arms.   
He was sobbing and crying.   
As one does, when suddenly hit with the realization of why they killed and murdered hundreds of people.   
Merlin shouldn't be feeling relieved. But he did.   
He felt so so relieved. 

So relieved, because suddenly he had a reason for doing all these horrid things. Finally he had a reason why he killed. Why he obeyed another king. Even why he got.   
And that reason was holding him close.   
Until Merlin pushed Arthur away a little. “Arthur, I have magic.”, he suddenly realized, because he had always hidden that part about himself from Arthur. And he remembered now that he lied to Arthur all these years and he knew Arthur should hate him now. Especially since he killed his father and all -  
But all those thoughts were easily wiped away, when Arthur kissed him. 

It certainly wasn't the first time they had done this. But it was the first time they kissed, that they could truly and fully see each other. Yet they closed their eyes like it didn't even matter.   
Merlin was barely standing upright, he didn't need to, because Arthur made sure to hold him tight in the embrace that once upon a time, would have made Arthur feel uncomfortable.   
Now he needed this to breathe again. 

When they finally parted, Morgana and Mordred just managed to stand up again. And you could guess that the rest of the kingdom was too, as they suddenly remembered their prince and his clumsy servant.   
Lancelot too, barely managed to get up again, as Gwaine was trying to steady him as much as possible. 

“Merlin, we are going to talk about this. ALL of it! And don't get me fucking started on all the bullshit I don't even know about yet! Because you are going to tell me everything in every single fucking detail or I swear to god, I'll have you in the stocks!”  
Arthur may be saying this in an absolute tone, but the mere fact that his arms were still tightly wrapped around Merlin, spoke volumes about his opinion on every decision Merlin ever made. 

Merlin's lips quivered into a smile. The fondness in his eyes, and the tears in their corners so intense, it almost made Arthur melt with how much he knew they loved each other.   
“Of course, Sire.”, Merlin joked and caused Arthur to laugh. 

Merlin relaxed. As he only always did with Arthur. 

“This is beautiful and all.”, Agravaine said, as he too had waken up from his flashbacks and now tried to break from his prison.  
“And I admit, I made a mistake with telling you to kill your wife, since clearly, you have a husband. But don't forget, I'm still the one ordering you around! Merlin, kill your husband.”

Arthur only shook his head at so much ignorance. Merlin's eyes widened, but then he blinked. And laughed. “I literally can't.”, he said ecstatic.   
And it was true. Even though his magic was acting up and surrounding him and Arthur now, it was reacting to Arthur. Coiling around him, like it always belonged to him.   
He physically couldn't hurt Arthur. 

“Then hurt Morgana!”, Agravaine belled again, clearly realizing that his power was running out.   
“He won't.”, Arthur said. And even though, Merlin had already had his hand raised against Morgana, against his will, naturally, Arthur's word alone was enough to stop him. 

Morgana too, seemed to realized that in surprise and utter relief.   
Then, Arthur parted from Merlin and walked towards the cell Agravaine resided in.   
“What-”, Morgana asked quietly. “What should we do with him?”

Arthur didn't answer. Instead he grabbed for Excalibur. And a moment later, steel impaled flesh.  
Agravaine's eyes widened in fear and shock.   
He hadn't even gotten a fair trial.   
“Arthur.”, Merlin winced.   
“Merlin. I know you've killed all these people, because you were protecting me. Let me kill this one person for you in turn.”

Arthur's eyes were cold and hardened, as he looked at his uncle. Unseeing of the utter shock in Merlin's face.  
“You have betrayed not just the crown, but your people by slaughtering them all, Agravaine. You have used the people who were protecting this country to start wars that would have caused the entire kingdom to fall.   
You're too dangerous to give you a proper trial.   
Mercia is approaching. And you're still controlling the most powerful sorcerer to ever walk the earth. I don't have the time to find a way to undo the spell. Killing you should free my husband.”

Agravaine stared at him. Mouth wide open, as he tried to respond. But Arthur just twisted the handle of his sword and in almost an instant, his eyes rolled back into his skull. And then he fell from the blade. Dead. As he should be. 

All the men and women in the room could only stare at Arthur. 

That's when Leon finally stormed through the doors, a few people following close behind.   
Some servants, some knights, some guards....  
But as he looked at Arthur, he looked relieved. “Your majesty!”, he said and bowed. As did the people behind him.  
Arthur turned to them. “You remember?”, he asked. But there was a twinkle in Leon's eyes.   
“Was about time, wasn't it, Sire?”  
Arthur broke into a smile. 

“Everyone?”  
“Everyone.”, Leon agreed and the smiled on the knights faces underlined that statement.

“Merlin, are you alright?”, Arthur finally turned back to his husband.   
His eyes however, were still red.   
Merlin nodded and bit his lips. “I don't think the spell is broken yet. I can still feel it.”, he said and closed his eyes for a second. “It's still tied to Agravaine, I think. But I should be fine to fight, until we figured out how to break the curse.”

Arthur nodded, a sinking feeling in his gut, as he noticed how Merlin was suddenly wobbling on his feet and holding his head.   
“Actually -”, Merlin said, his eyes suddenly swimming in red tears as whatever was happening to him increased in it's intensity now.   
“Arthur -”, Merlin said and then, like a domino brick, he sank to the floor. If Arthur hadn't reacted so quickly to catch him, his head would have split open on the stone floor. 

“Shit.”, Arthur choked. “No no no no no.”, he muttered and instinctively went to check for his pulse. It was there, faintly.   
Mordred had his mouth clasped with his hands, ever since Agravaine had died. But now he managed to speak up.   
“Arthur. I – I'm so sorry.”, he said.   
Right, Mordred was the one who had made the potion that did this to Merlin. 

“Mordred? What did you do to him?”

It was like they were frozen in time. 

Mordred shrunk under his gaze. “Agravaine made me enchant a potion that would tie someone's will to his life by drinking it. Killing Agravaine will ...”  
Mordred didn't dare to continue. Arthur paled.   
Morgana instantly chimed in. “Merlin is immortal! We have still time! We can find an antidote.   
Mordred, what spell did you use?”

Mordred flinched away. “I … I don't know. I had a spell book. But Agravaine kept it hidden somewhere.   
Somewhere around last year, it disappeared. Someone stole it, but we don't know who has it.   
And I don't think we have the time.”

Mordred looked utterly pained, as for the first time in years, he reached for his head and took his crown off.   
“Arthur, I am so so utterly sorry. I never wanted to be king. Kara and Agravaine urged me to take the throne. I thought I was doing the right thing. Clearly I wasn't.  
But I didn't remember you. I didn't remember who you were. How kind you were. I am SO SO sorry!”, he handed the crown to Arthur.   
No hesitation on his young face. 

Arthur took a deep breath. “I can't loose him.”, Arthur said quietly, as all eyes were on him now. 

“Morgana, you and I have to stop Mercia's army. We need to talk to them and stop this war.   
Somehow. I don't even know how!   
We just need this to stop!   
Mordred, you will find out where the book is! And bring whoever has it to my chambers.   
Take Merlin there and make sure he stays alive!   
If anything changes – even in the slightest! Call me. Immediately. I don't care if I'm in the middle of battling a king or whatever. Tell me. I will need to know! Do you understand?”

Mordred nodded. 

“Good. Leon, help him and make sure Merlin stays safe. Gwaine and Lancelot, I will need you both to face the king of Mercia with me.”

“Arthur, I am no knight! They won't even take me seriously!”, Lancelot said, stepping forward.   
Arthur sighed. “Kneel, Lancelot. Gwaine, you too.”  
The two men exchanged a look, as Arthur set the crown upon his head and raised his sword at them.   
Then they knelt.   
“I hereby pronounce the two of you, Sir Gwaine, knight of Camelot. And Sir Lancelot, knight of Camelot. Rise.   
There. Now you're knights. We'll make it official later. Now let's go.”

His voice was urgent. Their situation WAS urgent after all.

“Good.”, Leon said. “Because the army is already on the front door.”  
Arthur nodded and send one last look at Merlin, whom he had to hand over to Leon and Mordred now.   
“We'll protect him. Don't worry, Sire.”, Leon said and Arthur nodded, as he took a deep breath at that.   
“Let's go.”, he said again. And this time, his men and his sister followed without further questions.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not gonna lie....  
> Nothing within this chapter was planned. But god damn it, I've connected so many missing dots in this one. I hadn't even known I could DO that. XD
> 
> So... have a filler episode about Katie and her relationship with Arthur.   
> it's kinda rushed, but honestly, I think given the fact that time is running out for everyone.... it kinda fits, doesn't it?  
> Also funfact: we have now passed 130 pages on open office. :)

Memories. 

Katie was nine when she met this strange blond man. A man who seemed to stumble over every easy task ever handed to him.   
He lived just up the street. He had blond hair, and strange nice clothes. Sure, some time later, he exchanged his finer clothes with normal ones.   
But until then, he was like a beautiful canary. Colorful in his appearance.  
However, his eyes were unseeing, uncertain and worried. 

When Katie first ran upon him, she had stolen one of the pans of bread he was carrying from the market. With magic.   
Katie knew that many people were scared of magic. But she had never seen a grown man look so utterly and completely terrified.   
In fact, she broke into heavy laughter, as the man stumbled backwards into the next pile of horse dung. 

That happened a week after the ban on magic had been lifted.   
The man had almost quivered in fear from her. Armed only with a broom that stood mindlessly at the next to the gates of the closest stables. 

The next time she saw him, she stole some of his boots. Later she stole an apple he was trying to eat. She let it float in the air and the blond basically jumped at the sight and ran away.   
It was truly funny at first. 

But then again, he wasn't the only one who was afraid of her.   
Her classmates were too. If you could call them classmates. They didn't exactly have school in their small village in Brieldier. But a nice old lady down the street was offering them some reading lessons. She was blind on one eye. And Katie already had a lot of trouble reading words correctly.   
Somehow, the letters just swam before her eyes, each time she tried reading them.   
They didn't make sense to her.   
And her friends already called her dumb and useless. When she was finally allowed to use magic however, other insults came in.   
They called her a “freak”. A “monster”. Someone who couldn't control their magic. Who would hurt people for no actual reason. 

With time... Katie grew uncertain of her abilities. And scared of her power.   
That was when she saw the weird blond again. He was sitting on top of a roof, trying to fix something with tools that are usually NOT used to fix a roof top.   
The only reason why she watched him was that she was shaking her head at his idiocy. But she didn't feel up to messing with him again. 

The poor man couldn't even remember his own name, town gossip said. Katie felt a little guilty about messing with him. He seemed to have enough trouble as it was.   
And then she saw him struggle to keep his balance.   
He hadn't fallen yet, when Katie could already see him crashing to the ground, breaking his head open and dying from the shock alone.   
She shook her head and yelled at him to take care. But it was too late.   
The blond was already yelling and slipping, before he could get a grip on himself. And then, Katie's magic caught him.   
Slowly, gently, like a feather, his body sank to the floor.   
And when he reached the ground unharmed and on both his feet, the first thing was to check himself up with his hands. Then he turned around to meet Katie's eyes.   
In that very moment, he seemed to recognize her.   
Not that they knew each other, or that he had forgotten her. But he recognized her as the magic user who liked to mess with him.   
Who also happened to have just saved his life.   
He opened his mouth in shock, then he shook his head.

He stepped backwards, uncertain whether or not to be scared. Katie shrunk into herself. She had helped him and yet he was scared of her.   
She frightened an adult man!   
She was already about to leave, when the man called out to her: “Thank you.”, he said.   
It was the first time Katie had heard his voice, ever since he moved here with his landlady and her boyfriend. 

“No problem.”, Katie just muttered and turned away. Not after offering a small sad smile at him.

\--------------------------------

Katie sat inside the stables, trying to read another nasty page of the spell book she had gotten from a passing druid. It weren't many spells in there.   
Just basic ones that created little spheres of light or methods to scry. There were some spells to change the colors of almost anything. Potions that could attract rats and spiders and the likes.   
There was also one spell that could help you steal things.   
However, she only knew what it was about, because the druid had told her that that was what was inside.   
She couldn't read a word. Instead she just stared at the few inked pictures and decorated first letters of every chapter. 

“Are you going to stare at that all day? Because the horses are hungry and you're kind of sitting in their hey. I don't want to impale you.”  
Katie looked up and found the face of the blond man she saved just a few days prior. 

The man stepped closer. It was funny how his boots were the most expensive part of his whole outfit and yet they were also the dirtiest ones. 

Katie didn't respond.   
The man hesitated, then he walked over to sit down next to her. “You seem upset.”, he stated.   
Katie rolled her eyes. “I'm trying to read.”, she said and hoped he understood the implication.   
He should leave her alone. 

“Is that a spell book?”, the man leaned over to read the first few words, but he flinched away as soon as he realized what it was.   
Katie clapped the book closed. “Does it matter?”, she hissed and hugged it close to her chest protectively. 

“Where did you get that book from?”  
“I found it, when the druids visited.”, she said and shrugged. It was a lie. One of the druids had given it to her. She hadn't found it.   
But the man seemed to accept this harmless small lie. She couldn't exactly tell him the truth now, could she?  
“The druids? You mean that old man who was spreading rumors about that prince Arthur guy? The court physician? Gaius?”

Katie nodded. Yes. It was that guy.  
The old man was a refugee of the kingdom just as much as Arthur had been. But the man had claimed that there must be a prince to the crown of Camelot.   
Because his name reappeared in his personal journal. Gaius had made it his vision to visit the villages of Camelot and spread the stories he had read in his little book.   
In hopes of finding the man his past self claimed to know.   
Because apparently that man was a hero.   
And the only man who could safe Camelot. 

“I liked his storied about this prince.”, Katie said. “It gives you hope, doesn't it?”, she said quietly.

Arthur stared at her for a minute, before returning his gaze to his hands.   
“I don't know what that's supposed to mean. Hope for what?”

“That one day people will live in peace together. With magic and all. And nobody would be called a monster ever again.”, Katie said to herself. She knew the man was listening. She also knew that he still despised magic. She could sense it, the way he shifted next to her and kept an unreasonably assumed safety distance.   
“You think you're a monster?”, the man asked surprised.   
“It's what they call me.”, Katie responded.   
“Why?”, the man shot back. “You saved my life. You can't be a monster.”  
Katie didn't answer for a second.   
Then she shook her head. “People think magic is evil. So do you. I can see that you're trembling. Even now. Don't pretend like you're not afraid of me. Everyone is.”

Strangely enough, the man relaxed.   
“You're right, I'm sorry.”, the man sighed and forced himself to relax. Then he smiled at Katie.   
“I admit it, I'm scared. I don't even know why. I don't remember much. I don't know if you've heard, but I lost my memories. I think I might have had some really bad encounters with sorcerers.  
So I'm wary of everything that's magic.   
But you DID save my life. And you used magic to do it. Surely not all magic can be bad, right?”, the man asked. 

The small girl looked up at him. “But I also stole from you!”, she argued. And it was stupid really. Why would she incriminate herself now?  
The man laughed. It was a nice, welcoming laugh. Full of honesty and actual amusement. Not the mean laughter Katie was used to hear. Not the pitying kind that her parents had reserved for her.   
“You stole bread, a shoe and an apple. Those are harmless pranks. I've done worse at your age.”, the man frowned suddenly. “At least I think so.”  
He tilted his head, as though there was a vision in his head. Too blurry to fully grasp. But it was there and he could see just a little of something. 

Katie looked at him. And yes, he was still obviously scared. But he also seemed open minded. Like he was listening to her. Like he was actually, seriously considering her words. Weighing them.   
Not just hearing them. 

“That doesn't make you evil.”, the man said and send Katie a small smile.   
Katie hesitated, but she managed to smile back.  
“Thank you.”, she found herself saying.  
And then, she felt a small wind passing by her and it felt like the magic of the sky was trying to comfort them both.  
A warm light shone through the windows and the doors and made the man's hair glow golden in the sun light.   
This wasn't anything Katie had manipulated to happen.   
But she could feel the magic around her reacting to his words. It wasn't HER magic.   
It was the magic of the sky that was reaching out to him. That seemed to like him.   
Katie was merely a witness of this. 

\-----------------------------

The next time magic seemed to react to Arthur, was when they were on the fields with the other villagers. And some of the children who were pestering Katie.  
The adults mostly kept to themselves, ignoring Katie's inner conflict. They too, didn't like that Katie had magic. They still despised it.   
Maybe worse than ever, since their new king had apparently overthrown the old king and now magic was legal.   
And yet rumors about a shadow who was magic itself had begun to spread. Murders and attacks committed solely by magic alone.   
Katie could feel some of it, actually. She could hear magic crying out to her.   
Whoever the shadow was... he didn't seem to like being a monster. 

“Hey, Freak! Can't you use magic to do all the farm work? Or are you still too stupid to read your spells!”  
The children snickered among themselves. Katie shrunk away under their heavy gazes. The adults all turned away.   
That's obviously, when the strange man stepped in again.   
“You're the one's telling her not to use magic! She's just respecting how scared you are of her. Now leave her alone and do something useful!”

The children – clearly not impressed by his words – but by his height and age, stomped away.   
The other adults however, send a surprised look at Katie, as if they couldn't believe that she was actually holding herself back for them.   
Even if she could do the entire farm work by herself, if she knew the spells for it.   
“Are you okay?”, Arthur asked and leaned down to Katie.   
“Yes, thank you.”, Katie nodded and send him a calm smile. 

And that's when she felt the magic around her acting up. Surprised, she shot around, watching, as the plants seemed to grow into Arthur's direction. Like he was their sun. Their nutrition. Their life source.   
Arthur smiled at her, only slightly cracking an eyebrow at her strange behavior, before laughing and resuming to his farm work.   
It was like the plants started to bloom under his touch. 

(A.N.:// omfg I did not see this coming. No seriously, I had not planned to explain Arthur's green thumb in any way whatsoever. I just made a random headcanon. Now it has purpose, I'm so done with my brain lmao.)

\--------------------------

“Is it true that you can't read?”, the man just found Katie at the lake. She was reading. Or rather trying to. It was the spell book again.   
She had asked her mother, and she tried to explain to Katie that this page showed you how to catch a fairy.  
Katie still only saw the pictures. She had trouble untangling the words, even though she knew the letters. 

Katie looked down, trying not to seem too frustrated.  
“I could help you, if you want? I mean – I don't think I've ever taught before. But if you'd let me try... I have more than enough time. Maybe I'd even recognize something.”

“It's a spell book.”, Katie explained.   
The man stood quiet for another few moments, then he sighed and sat down next to Katie at the shore.   
“Do you want to learn magic?”, the man asked quietly, only huffing slightly, as his bottom hit the ground.   
“Would you teach me if I did?” It was quiet for a second, because Katie went to elaborate.   
“Because my mother said she wouldn't.”

Arthur glanced at her apologetically. “I'm sorry about that.”

“I mean, my parents would never allow me to learn magic. I think they are glad I can't read.”  
Arthur blinked.   
Katie shook her head. “I'm sorry. I'd love to... but. I don't want you to get in trouble.”

Once more, silence settled between them.   
“How about we make a deal.”, the man finally said and turned to Katie with a smile. Katie looked at him uncertainly.   
“What kind of deal?”  
“I teach you to read, and you teach me about magic. I help you learn your spells and you give me a name.”

Katie stared at him. And this time, there was no mistaking it, as the waves clashed against the shore. It seemed to draw in to the man. And the magic of the sea sang to him.   
Katie's eyes widened. 

Of course. This man -  
She knew who he was. He was the man that magic itself loved. He was the man that would bring peace to magic and the world. His name – magic was saying his name again and again. Reaching out and searching for him. For it's purpose.   
“Deal.”, Katie said and held out her hand for the man – this legend - to shake. “Arthur.”, she said.   
The blond's head snapped to her, eyes wide. “Arthur?”, he asked, perplexed.   
She smiled. 

\------------------------------------

When Katie saw the army of knights approaching, she had been ready to defend the entire village by herself. She knew she wasn't strong. But she was strong enough to hold of a few knights.   
After all, adults had feared her for a long time.   
And that man in front of her, the small one with the big ears and the tired eyes looked weak enough.   
But then she called for a ball of fire that disappeared as soon as the man waved his hand at her.   
Then the mysterious man knelt down before her and reached out his hands. 

For only a moment, Katie felt scared. It was the first time that her magic did absolutely nothing against another human being.   
And then she saw him perform magic in front of her. “Blosdme.”, he said and then magic surrounded them.   
Shortly, only noticeable for Katie herself, because she was the only one with magic here. But she felt the magic being drawn from everything around them. The earth, the sea, the sky.   
The flower he created glowed with longing, with desperation. With feeling.   
This man was magic.   
This man was Emrys. 

Katie grabbed the blue glowing flower in surprise and wonder. It wasn't made for her. It wasn't reaching for her.   
It was reaching for -  
“You shouldn't be out here, milady.”, Emrys said in a soft voice.   
He ruffled her hair. “I think your father is worried about you.”, he said and mistakenly nodded in Arthur's direction, where he stood panting just a few meters away from them. Ready to fight the entire army for Katie.  
The magic was reaching out to him. 

Katie could see how Arthur's mind was basically stopping. As though he somehow recognized this man.   
This man who called upon the magic of the world just to make a flower for Katie.   
But he was tied by something. Something that was blocking him from sensing Arthur.   
Katie could see it. Could see the wall clearly. 

She had to give Arthur the flower. Maybe it would help him – guide him somehow. To find the memories that Katie couldn't give back to him, no matter how much she had been searching for the cure in her spell book. 

\-----------------------------

Arthur and Emrys had been gone for a whole year. Katie did get their letters, of course. But it seemed that Emrys and him both didn't really understand their own personal connection. 

Katie sighed, as she skipped through her spell book once again.   
Could she scry a memory? Was that possible? After all … memories weren't bound to places... or where they?  
Places in your head, maybe?  
Katie shrugged. It was worth a try, wasn't it?

So she sneaked out at night, towards the lake, where the full moon shone upon her. And she used the spell, a few herbs and a feather of Dave and began chanting.   
It was like the moon itself responded to her. Glittering moon dust swirled around her and formed a figure. Then another. And then another.   
And they began moving. Talking, swirling. She couldn't hear, she could only see.   
There was a man. He was old, but not as old as the wandering druid from two years ago.   
This man looked mean, as he talked to a much much younger one. And in his hand glowed a book.   
He was pointing at something.   
Katie blinked at the sight. As she saw the man putting the book somewhere else. 

This was strange. Katie had chanted to find the source of his memory loss.   
Katie blinked a couple of times, as it hit her. Of course! This was another spell book! She smiled to herself, as she skipped a few pages of her own small spell book.   
And then she began to chant the stealing spell. She didn't know if it was enough to get the book all across the land to her.   
But she knew that all the spell required was the knowledge of where the desired object was and then it would appear right in front of you.   
It was worth a try, wasn't it?

And of course... she was right.

\----------------------------------------

The book contained lots of spells. So many more that Katie had never seen before.   
But nothing was more terrifying to her then the potion that bound your soul to another person's life. It was a completely one sided spell.   
Forcing one person to completely obey and protect the other. It was blood magic.   
One of the most terrible kinds Katie had ever seen.   
Not that she had seen many before now.   
There are only two ways to break the spell, it said. But Katie knew, the one of them was impossible, the other was downright terrifying.

However, she had found a few other spells that she found helpful in regards to this one.   
One particular spell said:  
“If the manipulated subject is ordered to forget a certain memory, but the memory is triggered to return, this spell is perfect to help against memory infused headaches.”  
It was ridiculous how many spells were written here to help the nasty side effects that this blood binding magic could have. 

Katie shook her head.   
There must be other ways to break the spell. But other than the headache spell (which is the only spell that can help against the headaches, since it's not a normal headache), she found nothing useful inside the book.   
Helplessly she stared at the pages.

It would be impossible to make this person who held Merlin prisoner release him from the chains by giving him permission to free himself.  
No... By all what Katie had heard, the advisor what was his name would just make Merlin kill everyone who ever tried to get through to them.   
The only other way to free him would be to kill Merlin himself. Only his death could free him from the chains.   
She truly hoped it would never come to this. 

One year later, when Katie returned home after her fallout with Arthur, she knew something was wrong. It was in the way the magic around her shivered, as bandits and villagers were yet again killed by the shadow. 

Only for one single moment, everything seemed to change for the better, as flowers around her started to bloom with magic. And she too, knelt over to remember that once upon a time, they had a king.   
To remember that she was right and the Arthur she met was actually Arthur Pendragon himself.

But when the flowers stopped glowing and Dave fell unconscious from her shoulder... he was still breathing, but barely so...   
Katie knew she had to leave for Camelot immediately.  
Arthur may be a royal prat, but this was bigger than her own feud with him.   
She needed to help him. Him and Merlin. Them both.   
She was the only person who had even the tiniest idea of what to do.   
So she grabbed the stolen magic book and the one Gaius had once gifted to her, and then she marched past her protesting parents towards the war zone.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck this shit, what did I do?

Arthur felt so stupid. There they were, standing by the walls that surrounded Camelot and were supposed to protect the citadel from invadors.   
And they stood there, knowing that Morgana's magic was running low and most of his men were still weakened by the headaches that still lingered on their minds with the new old memories. Memories of Arthur.

Others were dead. They had been killed on Agravaine's rampage through the lower town. 

Arthur felt sick. How was he ever to explain to his people that the man who killed all their friends and relatives had been under a spell? How was he supposed to explain that Merlin had no choice in any of this? And that Arthur still wanted to keep magic legal?  
How could he tell them that if Arthur hadn't left Camelot, all the deaths of the previous three years could have been prevented? (And that he would sacrifice even more for Merlin's sake, if he so must.  
How could he tell them that Arthur had married the man who murdered them all?

Arthur couldn't help but excuse the deaths Merlin had caused. But that was because he loved him. Because he knew Merlin's version of the entire story and all the pain he had to go through because of it. Could Camelot be just as forgiving as Arthur was?  
Could Camelot allow itself to be merciful?  
Arthur knew he was biased. He couldn't find an objective solution that didn't involve killing Merlin.

And now they stood here, waiting for the gates to be pried open by the enemy lines who you could hear roaring and shouting from the other side of the wall. 

All while their best chance – namely the man who had caused all the misery of the past few years – was lying unconscious in Arthur's chambers. Merlin couldn't even make up for his mistakes.   
JUST because Arthur had been so mad with Agravaine that he couldn't wait with the trial. He hadn't expected the spell on Merlin to be so captivating. To have such aggravating side effects.   
He wished he would have known. 

He had been a fool. In any kind of fairy tail, Arthur's action would have been the smarter move.   
The one the main protagonist only avoided because he was the nice one. Because he couldn't be morally ambiguous. He wouldn't kill his enemy, because it would taint his innocence. 

But Arthur was not innocent.  
Arthur was not a figure in a fairy tail. He wasn't written to make perfectly correct choices. He was written to struggle with every decision he's ever made. With the good sides and the bad sides. With the assumed easy choices that didn't lead to despair – but to the delay of complete disaster.  
With the choices that weren't his own, that had caused misery for everyone he loved.  
And he was written for his own logic to fail.

To the point where he couldn't recall, if he was ever the good or the bad guy.   
Or if it was just his existence that should have never come to pass.  
Sometimes the choices that seem wrong are the better ones.   
Sometimes the right choice is the one that gets you killed.   
At this point Arthur didn't even care which choice would do what. They were doomed, no matter what he chose. The question was, should he choose love or his people and since when were those two separate things?

It was Morgana who made him see sense.   
“Arthur – you have to go back to Merlin.”, she said quietly, as the doors busted from the force of the foreign army of Mercia. 

“I can't leave Camelot alone.”, Arthur argued weakly. Even though he wanted to stay at her side, help her fight the armies...  
Even though he wanted to support his knights and comrades that he had abandoned for the past three years, he longed to stand by Merlin. 

“Merlin is the most powerful sorcerer who ever walked the earth! And he fights for you, Arthur!  
Not to mention you are the KING now, Arthur!  
There is no Camelot without either of you!”

Arthur remembered a conversation he'd had with his father once. Where Uther claimed that the citadel had to be closed, because without the crown, their was no Camelot. Camelot had been starving because of a mistake that Arthur had made.   
One of the many many mistakes that Arthur had made.   
And Arthur had thought how stupid that argument was. Because Camelot was nothing without it's people.   
One rich man doesn't make a kingdom. 

But that's not what Morgana meant.   
Merlin could safe Camelot by himself, if he had the energy. But if Arthur died, he would never recover.  
And if Arthur stopped fighting Mercia now, then Camelot would fall to their enemies.   
Either way, Camelot was doomed.   
They could only win, if Merlin woke up. And Merlin would only wake up, if Arthur went to help him.   
It was clear in the way Morgana looked at him that her decision was final. She made the choice for Arthur. She decided to trust in Merlin. Even though she had spend such a long time hating the boy who poisoned her. The person who was destined to kill her. 

How strange it was that for once in Arthur's life, the right choice, was the easy one.

“Go.”, Morgana said, knowing the turmoil that Arthur felt.   
“He has better chances to recover, if you're there with him.”  
She was right. Arthur exhaled slowly and send her a desperate, thankful smile.   
“Thank you Morgana.”, he said and immediately turned around on his heels (he had put armor and shoes on. Not that that made his feet hurt any less.)  
Without hesitation, he ran back towards his chambers, while sending last orders to Lancelot and Gwaine.

He could feel the worried glances of some of the older knights on his back.   
They might remember him from before the amnesia now. But that didn't mean Arthur could restore their trust and respect, by abandoning them right before the battle began.   
Arthur had never hid from a fight. The fact that he did now, unsettled his men. 

\-----------------------------

“Have you found a counter spell yet?”, Arthur stormed into his own chambers without knocking.   
Mordred literally jumped at the sudden noise. Him and Leon were rummaging through what looked like every book in Camelot's library.   
The books covered the grounds, the tabled, even the bed, where Merlin rested.   
Big ones, smaller and thinner ones. If Arthur didn't know better, he'd say those were all magic books. But Camelot couldn't have so many magic books, if Uther had let them be burned right?  
(They were magic books. But the question where they were hidden would never be answered.)

Mordred shook his head and gnawed on his lips. Too insecure and thrown by the death of his girlfriend to answer properly. Kara. Right. She had been to him what Merlin was to Arthur.   
Arthur could see the sorrow on Mordred's face. He just couldn't bring himself to care enough to mention it.

“My lord – these are all the books Agravaine had in his studies. None of them contain a spell or potion or anything that would explain his condition or how to fix it.   
We put Agravaine's body in the next room. In case we might need it. But we have no idea how much time we have left and no idea how to reverse any of the magic that Merlin is possessed by.”, Leon clapped a small leather bound book shut and tossed it on to another staple of shame.   
All of them thrown there. Clearly, none of these books had held useful information.   
If that's what the frustrated lines on Leon's forehead were telling Arthur.

Arthur groaned.   
“But Merlin is still breathing?”

Leon nodded with a sigh. “I don't think he will die at all. He's just completely weakened, because Agravaine is dead.”  
'Because you killed Agravaine.', there was no need to say it. Arthur could hear it in his head either way. 

It was then that they could hear shouting and screaming from the court yard.   
Mercia's army must have broken through the walls.   
Leon's head snapped to Arthur.   
He didn't ask why he was here. But understanding washed over his features. 

Arthur tried to calm his nerves and sat down on the ground. Then he picked up a book, hoping that it would at least distract him from his troubled conscience.   
It didn't. Arthur was so worried over everyone and everything, he couldn't read a single word.

Suddenly the windows slammed open from outside.   
Arthur and Leon both jumped to their feet, swords in hand, as a small figure appeared between the frames. 

Blinded by the sunlight, Arthur needed a second to recognize the small figure with the short hair. 

“Katie?”, Arthur asked surprised. He had not expected her here. In truth... he hadn't had time to think about her much, since he had called her a monster. (Also, how had she gotten here so fast? She had been on the way back to Brieldier last time he saw her. From Brieldier to Camelot was a long way. Arthur, Gwaine and Lancelot had walked hours upon hours without rest or sleep.   
Katie didn't even break a sweat. At the same time, Arthur was far out of his mind to question her time travel miracle.)  
“You have two choices.”, she began, not waiting for an apology or a simple hello. 

In this very moment, she could have been that stereotypical random ghost or witch that appeared in a story to give the final cryptic message that would save them all.   
And maybe that was what she was now. Maybe this was her entire purpose. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe she had just grown with the story as much as Arthur and Merlin had. 

“Either Merlin's advisor sets him free from the chains, or you kill Merlin.”, she threw a book at Mordred. It spectacularly bounced of his head and made him shout out in pain.   
Until he recognized the symbols and the torn leather cover of the book.   
Then his eyes widened, as he reached for it. “ARTHUR! This is it! This is Agravaine's book!”

Arthur stared at him, then his head snapped back to Katie.   
“How did you find it? How did you know we need it?”

Katie's eyes softened into something sad, as she pulled out something light and white from her brown robes. “Dave.”, she explained one of his questions and stroked the unconscious form of her magical friend.   
Arthur's shoulders slumped. Right... Dave was made of Merlin's magic. If Merlin was dying or too exhausted to use his magic... all his creations would falter to exist.  
“I've had the book for a while. I've been trying to find a way to free Merlin from the chains. But -”, she sighed.   
“There is no easy way to save him. Where is that advisor? Maybe you can force him to unbind Merlin from the blood magic.”

Arthur's shoulder's slumped. “I killed him.”, he said with unwavering eyes.   
Katie paled noticeably. “Is there a way to revive him?”  
Arthur winced. “No. I used a magic sword to kill him.”

Katie looked down and finally her eyes found rest on Merlin's ashen form.   
“Then you have to kill Merlin too.”, she whispered regretfully. It was a matter of fact. And that almost killed Arthur's last resolve. They had no other option. 

Arthur shook his head in a vehement gesture.   
“Absolutely not. Even if I did, he would survive it! He's immortal! It's not possible to -”  
His voice faded, before his glance rested on the handle of Excalibur. Right, how could he be so stupid. He had everything he needed to kill Merlin.   
And once again he was reminded that the only weapon capable of killing Merlin had been gifted to Arthur by the man himself. 

“Absolutely not!”, Arthur said again and shook his head once more. 

“Arthur, I'm so sorry. But either you kill him, or he will continue to suffer like this for the rest of eternity.”, Katie argued reasonably.  
How a small twelve year old ended up being the voice of reason for the king of Camelot.... well...  
you know the story. It still is funny, if you think about it. 

“Are you telling me.... there is no way to save him? He either suffers... or he dies?”

Katie nodded. Arthur buried his face in his hands in defeat.   
“Fuck.”, he muttered. Uncaring that everyone in the room could hear him. 

“But -”, Katie hesitated.   
Arthur blinked rapidly, before looking back at her.   
“There might be another way. If we manage to separate his body from his soul.”  
The prince stared at her. “And how does that help?”

Katie took a deep breath. “It's the natural thing to happen, when someone dies.”, she began to explain, which did nothing to sooth Arthur's panic. 

“And it's what needs to be done to free Merlin from the spell.   
The spell is a chain between his life force to the advisor guy's own. It's a one sided spell. So killing Merlin wouldn't hurt the man, but the other way around is a completely different matter. It's made this way, so that the guy with the strings in the hands, can cut himself off their puppet at any time.   
However, Merlin's life force is not the same thing as his soul.   
If we separate Merlin's soul from his body and somehow manage to keep it here somewhere, then we should be able to revive him after he dies.”

She was talking slowly, so Arthur could follow her words, despite his inner panic.

“Is it even possible to contain a soul?”, Leon asked, all of a sudden, interrupting Arthur's moment of resignated hope. 

Mordred answered for him. “It is.”, he nodded.   
“But for that you need a container that speaks of someone's life. In the old religion, druids have done this with diaries and stuff.   
Cornelius Sigan for example was rumored to have found a way to extend his life by putting his soul into a crystal. For that to work, he had to fill the crystal with his own blood.  
If I remember correctly, Merlin was the one who killed him a few years back.”

Arthur opened his mouth to say something, but then he closed his mouth. He.... did not remember that.   
“Wait a second, did you say diary?”, Arthur asked and turned around to face Mordred.   
“Yes.”, Katie smiled. “That's why I brought this.”  
And then she jumped from the window sill and pulled yet another object from her robes. 

It was...  
Of course. Of bloody course.   
The entire time I have been questioning what to do with that bloody jar that the story is named after and now destiny has found us once again.  
“The memory jar.”, Arthur almost laughed at my inner turmoil.

(A.N.:// Anyone else realizing that this story is basically a 135 pages (so far) of a monologue where I'm trying to make everything make sense?  
I'm literally bullshitting myself through the story. I hope you're enjoying yourself XD)

Katie handed the jar to Arthur. 

Then her expression turned sad once more. “Merlin left a note for you.”, she said and sighed. 

Arthur blinked. “What? When? Why?”

Her face twisted. “You should probably read it. It was under the Jar. I assume that Merlin wrote it with magic, when the advisor guy came. I think he meant it as a good bye.”

Arthur looked at her for another second, trying to see if she had read the letter by the way her expression shifted. He couldn't say for sure.

Then he grabbed the letter she held out for him and unfolded it.   
Immediately his eyes softened, as he saw the familiar scribbled words of Merlin handwriting in magical ink on paper. 

“Dear Arthur,”, Arthur read in his mind. 

“It seems our time together is over now. This morning, Agravaine found me.   
I don't know how or why he's here. All I know is that he is.   
I don't know where you went this morning, but please stay there. Don't let Agravaine and his men find you.   
He knows I'm married and he won't rest until he finds and kills you.   
He's ordered me to kill my love. Which means, you can never, under any circumstances, come back to me.   
Change your location to somewhere I cannot find you.  
I'd rather die than being the cause of your death.   
You have given me the best two years of my entire life, Arthur. I will never forget that. Don't hesitate to move on, if worse comes to worst.

I love you. And I shall never forget the love you've shown me. 

Some people say that marriage chains a man. If that is true, than you have grounded me, Arthur. And in that, you have freed me from all the chaos and the storms that I had been caught up in. Because your chains are different than Agravaine's. Agravaine's are covered in blood. 

I've never felt more myself than I did with you.   
You gave me a reason to live.  
Don't take that reason away from me by being so loyally stupid to follow me into my own despair!

Yours, Merlin. “

Arthur stared at the piece of paper. So much had happened since Merlin wrote the letter.   
Somehow, Arthur already knew all this. Why did Merlin have to tell him such useless things?  
He balled his hand into a fist, causing the letter to crumble into a small ball.   
And yet, it hardened his resolve.   
“Okay. Let's do this.”, he said and swallowed whatever was left of his pride and his resolve.   
He knew, if they failed, not only would Camelot fall, but Arthur himself would die inside.   
Then again.... if he did, he didn't think Camelot's fall could hurt him any more than Merlin's death would.

\--------------------------------

Mordred and Katie didn't need to search long to find a spell that would cage Merlin's soul inside the memory jar. But it took their combined efforts, to actually make it happen.   
Which meant that Leon or Arthur would have to kill Merlin with Excalibur. 

To be completely honest, this was not a decision.   
Arthur had to do it. It was his sword. His gift from Merlin.   
For the first time since Arthur's memories came back, Arthur truly understood why Merlin lied to him about his magic. 

It was stupid really. Merlin wasn't even awake to see how Arthur's hands trembled around the hilt of his sword.   
It was the knowledge alone that hurt.   
It was the way his fingers were wet with sweat from nerves and regrets that made him suffer.

He wasn't even judging Merlin anymore and yet it hurt so so bad. 

Arthur HAD to kill Merlin, for entirely different reasons than he would have, when his father was still alive.   
And yet, Arthur felt like he was betraying his fathers legacy.   
Okay... maybe that thought was outdated. He was disappointing his father by allowing magic back in Camelot.   
And Arthur was going to hurt Merlin and Merlin wouldn't even bat an eye at it. 

It wasn't hard to imagine what it would have been like, if Merlin had trusted him back then.   
Had Arthur been able to kill Merlin?  
Even now, though he knew they were saving Merlin by doing this, he hated every breath that left his own lungs.   
He hated every glance in his direction and every thought that crossed his mind. 

In this moment, he remembered the final moments of Freya. How he had seen her turn into the bastet, before he lunged his sword at her and kill her.  
Maybe it was just his imagination that messed with his memories, but he could see Merlin only a few yards away from them. Crying bitterly.   
Because Arthur killed the love of his life. 

He remembered Will, how the man had jumped in front of a cross bow to save Arthur's life. Then he took the blame for the magical tornado that had saved the entire town. And then he saw Merlin's grief, when Arthur told him magic was evil. 

Arthur remembered, how they raided druid camps, how Arthur attacked the unicorn, despite Merlin's advice against it. 

Yes. Arthur had been stupid. He had been so ignorant of magic. Calling everything that was ever done with it evil, when the very man he had been trying to protect was magic itself. 

Arthur didn't deserve Merlin's trust. 

He closed his eyes and then, Arthur stabbed his former servant. 

Merlin's red eyes shot up in surprise. And only for a moment they found Arthur's crying ones.   
Only for a moment, Arthur could see recognition flash through Merlin's eyes. Then resignation. Then acceptance. And then forgiveness.   
And then the life left Merlin's body. 

“HURRY!”, Arthur shouted, as Katie's and Mordred's chanting echoed louder and louder in the room, causing a blue bubble of magic to form just above Merlin's heart.  
Arthur almost sobbed a laugh, as once again, he recognized the orb. The orb that had saved his own life once, while Merlin was supposed to be dying.   
But of course, Merlin had still supported Arthur.   
Of course, the flower Arthur had fought so hard for was not what had saved him in the end. But his own magic had.   
Arthur felt like such a fool. Merlin was immortal. The entire mission had been in vain. 

The blue orb was covered in reddish, bloody chains. But as soon as life faded out of Merlin's eyes, and Arthur knew his heart had stopped beating, the chains untangled themselves.   
Katie chanted another few words and soon enough, the soul was secured tightly withing the memory jar.   
The jar glowed blue and golden and Arthur had never seen anything more beautiful than this. 

With shuddering breaths, he reached for the jar and Katie handed it over without further questions. 

“It's done.”, she whispered, then she turned her head back to Merlin. Who's stomach was still bleeding out where the sword was still piercing through him. 

Arthur's grip around the jar tightened. It was one thing to know where the soul of a person is. To think of someone and talk to them, knowing they are there.   
But to see Merlin's corpse laying there, skin pale, pulse gone completely, it broke Arthur's heart. 

“What now?”, Arthur asked quietly, not sure he knew what the answer would be. 

“Remove the sword. We have to patch him up, before we put his soul back.”, Katie explained. But she too, was trembling.   
This wasn't the first corpse she had ever seen. After all, ill mannered knights had roamed Brieldier more often than Arthur would have allowed them to. 

Arthur nodded slowly, then he went and removed the sword from the body. A sickeningly slick sound emerged, where the blood squished around the blade and Arthur wanted nothing more than to look away. 

Katie took a deep breath, then she went back to chanting. Slowly, agonizingly slowly, golden strings seemed to patch up Merlin's wound.   
“How much time do we have?”, Arthur managed to ask, faintly noting how his cheeks were stained wet with tears.

“Not long.”, Katie murmured back, but didn't break her concentration from the body.   
There was a pause.   
“Thank you.”, Katie said. 

Arthur startled. “Thank you for what? I have to thank YOU, Katie!”  
“Thank you for giving me hope in the future. For showing me how accepting of magic you are. And thank you for teaching me how to read. And helping me with my spell casting.  
If you hadn't done that, I wouldn't be able to help you.”

Arthur stared at her. “You're helping ME! Katie. I should be thanking YOU! You're saving Merlin!”  
Katie shook her head.   
“No.”, she said and something akin to fear appeared on her face, as she viewed her work on Merlin's body.   
“I'm saving magic.”, she said and took a deep breath. 

“Arthur, there is one thing you don't know.”, she said and turned to Arthur with the saddest expression Arthur had ever seen. 

“And what would that be?”, Arthur asked, irritated.   
“Magic can be cruel.”, she said quietly.   
“I know that. I've seen it with my own eyes, my entire life! But it can also be good, it -”

“It needs a price.”, Katie sighed.   
Arthur halted. He knew what this meant. What she was saying. And he felt like a fool for not having seen this coming. We all do. We should have known. 

“What price?”, he dreaded the answer.  
Surely it was different for Merlin. They had to kill him to get to this point in the first place!  
First they took his life and then they gave it back, right? That's how it works right?  
But it's not. For one, because you couldn't just press a button to pause life.  
For another, because Merlin isn't mortal. 

“The magic of the earth, the sea and the sky have always talked to me. They have been calling out for me, long before we met.   
For the longest time, I wondered what my powers were made for. When we met, I began to understand that it was my destiny to help you.   
You and Merlin.   
Merlin is immortal, Arthur. To bring his life back, you need another immortal life.”  
She locked eyes with Arthur. Eyes with so much meaning, Arthur couldn't help but feel like someone had just ordered his own execution. 

“Emrys is much stronger than I would ever have become, Arthur.”

“You're not seriously suggesting that we offer your life for his, are you?”, Arthur asked mortified. 

Katie was just a child. She couldn't seriously...  
“No.”, Katie shook her head.   
“I'm not suggesting.”

And with that, she cried out to the gods of magic. The world stood still as darkness flooded the skies, the earth and the sea.  
Arthur couldn't even hear his own screams. Only faintly he could see Leon staring and Mordred flailing were he stood, his mouth covered by his own hands. 

Katie's eyes glowed golden for just one second, and then Merlin's body began to breathe again.   
Arthur, completely numb, left the memory jar fall to the ground.   
And it exploded into teeny tiny pieces of glass. Scrolls, containing Arthur's and Merlin's life together, evaporated and became one with Merlin's soul. 

A bluish explosion filled the room and contrasted the darkness within the world.  
Memories, old and new, Arthur's and Merlin's, mixed together and showed a giant memorial of their life's in only few moments.   
In Arthur's heart he could see everything. Everything that ever happened, since Merlin came to Camelot. How he lived his life in the shadows of Uther Pendragon. How he hid in the shadows as Arthur's manservant. And what he truly did all those years.   
Arthur's eyes filled with tears. He didn't want to know. Not now. Not like this. 

When the storm settled, Arthur had only half a mind to watch as Merlin woke up from his slumber, finally free from the chains. 

All while Katie's body slumped to the ground like a broken toy. Her soul had left her body.   
She had known this would happen. But she hadn't bothered granting Arthur a choice.   
Somehow, that made it both better and worse.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is IT!  
> The final chapter.   
> And I must admit it is a bit anticlimatic.   
> But the thing is... a happy ending isn't supposed to be an ending at all.  
> It's the promise of a forever ever after. 
> 
> Also I regret what I did to Katie. Please don't kill me over it. She is happy now, where she is. Trust me. She's happy.

Down on the court yard, bodies lay scattered on the ground. The knights, both Camelot's and Mercia's men, died where they stood. Fighting each other, impaling each other.   
And half of them didn't even know why. 

How cruel battles are.  
In a war, there is no winner.   
You cannot end a war by fighting it.   
Peace is neither the result, nor the solution of war.   
Peace is a stop sign. Peace is merely a pause before rich people feel confident enough to be greedy again. 

And maybe, the darkness that had settled over the world had pressed a button.   
The whole world stopped. For just a few moments, the knights were too scared to fight. Too terrified to reside in anything but peace. 

Some people, who one second ago had tried to stab each other, were now sharing shelter behind walls and open doors.   
Because it was never a good sign when the entire world turned dark. 

And then the Castle tower exploded in bluish light.   
What a sight that must be. When shock wave after shock wave hits you. And you can suddenly feel feelings that are not your own.   
Fear, sadness, pain. So much pain.   
But also love. Love for magic. For Camelot. For Arthur. For Merlin.   
Neither of the knights was connected enough to either of them to actually see the memories. But they could faintly feel what they had felt over the years. 

There was shame. There was desperation. The whole world felt blue. And from the ground, forgetmenots started to grow.   
Blue and golden they sprouted, like they wanted the world to remember that everything has a price.   
That life brought only death. And death granted new life. 

Arthur Pendragon could not see his knights. Could not feel what they felt.   
But he already felt more than enough.   
So much that his mind decided it needed to stop. That he would only feel numb now.   
Because numbness was what he needed. He would explode with anger and fear and hatred otherwise. Like his father once did. 

He barely noticed the relief he felt over Merlin's resurrection. And he knew that Merlin knew that.  
After all, their souls were linked now. Because Merlin's soul had been contained in a jar that bore Arthur's memories as well as his own.   
They had shared their jar. Their memories. Everything. Now they didn't share a soul. They were still two separate people. But they shared a bond. Stronger and more pressing than any other anyone has ever born witness to.

“Arthur?”, Merlin didn't have to say it. Arthur could hear him in his mind. But Merlin said it anyway.   
Because he knew that someone needed to say something, to get Arthur out of the dark hole he was currently trapped in.   
After all, he just held the dead body of one of his honorary siblings in his arms.   
Katie was dead. And she looked oh so peaceful.  
There can be peace in war. It's in death.

Arthur cried. It wasn't even a held back kind of crying.   
No I-need-to-look-strong-attempt at holding it in.   
There was no I'm-too-resigned-to-feel-anything-so-I'm-literally-unable-to-cry kind of numbness.  
Arthur was full on sobbing at the body in his arms. 

He had forbidden her to visit Merlin and him in their hut on the other side of the lake. And they never visited her. Because they couldn't risk being found.   
He had neglected his duties as her tutor. All they had done was write.   
He had abandoned her too.   
And he hadn't even apologized for calling her a monster. 

He would never see her open curious eyes ever again. He would never see her grow up. He would never see her become the awesome witch she was destined to be.   
This was all that was left of her. A body. And a legacy.  
Flesh and bones and blood. Cooling in his arms. A lost and empty glance in her eyes. Determination.   
And fear. 

Arthur's cries were loud and they echoed in the room full of people. It didn't matter, because whatever he did always lead to despair.   
He was done.   
He was so done.   
Nothing could ever cheer him up.   
He wanted this to end. 

He needed this to stop. 

If peace was merely a stop sign between wars, then Arthur wanted to raise the fucking white flag.   
Who cares what Mercia wants? Just give them everything, so they just stop making everyone suffer.   
“I need this to end.”, Arthur voiced his thoughts. His voice hoarse from crying. Nobody commented on it.   
Arthur had lost too much in too little time. His heart felt wrung out. Like someone had decided to twist it in every direction of pain. To make him feel everything. In utmost detail. 

Merlin paled and Arthur knew that for a second Merlin waited for another genocide order.   
But Merlin should know better. 

“I don't want anyone to get hurt ever again. This war needs to stop. No matter how. And it needs to end now.”

Merlin's shoulders slumped at that and he looked deep into Arthur's soul.   
He had nothing to hide. He couldn't. But he wouldn't either.  
“Okay.”, Merlin whispered and went over to press a kiss to Arthur's head.   
He didn't need to say more.   
They felt the same.   
Arthur closed his eyes at the brief contact. A simple, kind gesture can comfort a man. It wasn't nearly enough. But it was something at least.

Merlin rose up to his full height and turned towards the window that Katie had arrived in. 

Then he rose both his hands and breathed.   
Golden waves surrounded him, as he inhaled the magic of the world. And then he basically flew out the window.   
High above the battlefield he floated, sending golden glowering glances towards Camelot's enemies. 

He could hear the panic in their voices. Nobody was sure what he would do, what he was ordered to do.   
But the thing was, Arthur never gave an order. Because Arthur would never force Merlin to follow an order.  
Merlin could settle this his own way.   
And ironically Merlin's way was Arthur's way. 

“The king of Camelot demands that you put down your weapons now.”, Merlin's voice echoed over the entire crowd.   
It resonated within everyone's heads. And everywhere they whispered his name.   
“Emrys.”   
“The shadow.”

If they waited for death and destruction, that was not what they were going to get.   
Those who knew what Merlin was capable of, didn't waste a second to put down their weapons and lay themselves on the ground to show they were willing to obey.   
It wouldn't matter, if they defended themselves or not. If Merlin was ordered to kill, they would all die.   
But Merlin wasn't ordered to do anything.   
That's not the kind relationship he had with Arthur. 

Those who didn't know who Merlin was, hesitated, before they followed their crew mates examples. Because who would be so stupid to fight a glowing demigod like creature that flew in the sky and made half an army drop their weapons and themselves to the ground?  
Seriously. Who would be that dumb?  
People with power are. 

That's how the king of Mercia came out of the shadows and stood tall before his men. Scolding them for being cowards. 

Merlin settled before him. His feet hit the ground almost gently. And magic emerged from his feet into the earth itself, as he did so.   
Circles and runes embedded themselves into the earth as though Merlin truly was nothing short of a god. One who had been summoned by someone.   
But Merlin wasn't summoned by anyone. Because he was free now. Because he was with Arthur now.

“King of Mercia. My king demands that you and your knights retreat to your own lands. This war is over.”

The king scoffed. His scanning old eyes showed that he was only mildly intimidated by Merlin's glowing eyes and the way the world seemed to surround him. Rather than him being but a pawn on a giant field of chess.

“I want to speak to your king. King Mordred has committed crimes against all the kingdoms except my own. He has started wars with my alliances. And I know that YOU are the one who slaughtered their armies!  
I have an informant in your castle! And he has shown me the negotiations between -”

“Enough.”  
Merlin didn't need to yell, to make the king shut up. There was no sound escaping his lips as Merlin's magic forced him to be quiet.   
The king's eyes widened. He grabbed for his throat. But he could still breathe. Merlin had just stopped him from talking. 

“My king is Arthur Pendragon. The once and future king. And he demands peace. For all of Albion.”

The king's eyes narrowed. And Merlin let him speak again.   
“The prince who ran away from his duties? The one your people ghosted as soon as king Uther died?”  
The old man stepped forward, his robes reflecting the golden glow of Merlin within their expensive decorations. Gold buttons and yarn, webbed into the purple fabric.   
“And now you! The shadow! Destroyer of armies! YOU follow HIS orders?”

Merlin sighed. “Arthur wants nothing but peace. And a chance to properly negotiate.”  
“Did he negotiate with king Mordred when he took his crown?”, the king shot back. Now he held his sword in Merlin's direction. But only a wave of Merlin's hand and the weapon became one with the wind. It disappeared. There was nothing left but golden dust.   
The king stumbled back in fear.   
Unarmed... even the most powerful men are nothing short of complete helplessness. 

“Mordred has given Arthur the crown willingly.   
Now, please. Follow me inside. Arthur would love to grant you hospitality, so you can discuss matters of peace over dinner.”  
Merlin turned around and waved his hand. Not in a magical gesture. But it was still an order. 

The king of Mercia, completely bewildered by this development, had no choice but to follow Merlin.   
Through the bodies of dead knights and whoever else had been out there as a collateral damage.   
And while they passed, Merlin's magic began to repair what has been broken, to heal what has been hurt and to regrow what had been damaged.   
The entire court yard was covered in glowing lights. And maybe it was this wonder that kept the king of Mercia quiet.   
And willing to listen. 

\---------------------------------------

Arthur resumed to his rightful place on the throne of Camelot.   
It hadn't been an easy decision on his part. Just -  
He had lost so much during the war. That Lancelot, Morgana and Gwaine had returned from the battle nearly unharmed was nothing short of a miracle.   
He knew everything there was to know about Merlin now. But that didn't mean they were completely done discussing everything that had happened.   
They couldn't possibly return to their home at the lake of Avalon. Too much had happened. Arthur couldn't bring himself to return there and Merlin seemed to agree.  
The place, would, however, be their personal vacation residence. 

Arthur began by declaring that magic would be kept legal.   
And Morgana would become court sorcerer.   
Leon would become his royal advisor, as he had been a trustworthy voice during the years of Arthur's absence to Mordred.  
Mordred was the one who had asked Arthur to do him this favor. As Leon was the only neutral and objective voice he had been able to count on.   
As Agravaine was a traitor, Kara was manipulating him for power and Merlin was being controlled by all three of them. 

Mordred himself was declared Morgana's ward. Mostly because Morgana still wanted him around. She was still wary of Merlin alias Emrys. But she had decided that maybe.... one day she would be able to decide how she would die.   
And whether that would be tomorrow when Merlin stumbled on her with a knive or in a thousand years, when Merlin and her decided they've lived long enough, she would wait for it.   
After all, it might be her destiny to die by his hands.   
But maybe they could decide... how and why it would happen. 

Lancelot and Gwaine were officially knighted, and a few changes had been made to the knights code.   
Such as : “raiding villages is hereby forbidden by the penalty of banishment, loosing one's title or another penalty fitting the crime committed.”  
Lancelot was also proclaimed first knight after Leon's position had changed. 

Arthur also reinstalled the round table to Camelot. 

The hardest day after all the wars however, was when Arthur had to ride back to Brieldier to hold Katie's burial with her parents.   
Their shocked and exasperated faces would be forever burned within Arthur's memory. And he knew Merlin shared that feeling among other things.  
Nothing was worse than the funeral of a child.   
But there was a strange kind of comfort radiating from the gently and kind way that Merlin bedded her within a small boat, like he had done with Freya once.   
Covered in flowers. Forgetmenots, of course.   
After all...  
They had always been her favorites. 

And when Arthur, Merlin and Katie's parents watched the boat burst into flames... they could hear laughing in the distance.   
If you looked any closer, you might see Freya pulling down the boat and welcoming her friend to the lake of Avalon.   
Where they would guard over the gates together. Neither of them alone ever again.

For the remaining time of Arthur's reign, he would make peace with all the kingdoms.   
He didn't force them into peace, even though most of them initially thought Arthur did.   
After all, the kingdoms feared nothing more than Arthur's personal manservant and husband. But Merlin was only doing what he had always done. Protecting Arthur and Camelot.   
That was all. He wouldn't fight the wars of other kings for anyone else.  
He would only help Arthur keep the quiet they had now.   
And that didn't effort any deaths or wars. It demanded the opposite.   
It demanded nothing at all.

For Arthur and Merlin it was surprisingly hard to go back to their relationship after that, because so much had changed. But at this point in their lives, they knew they would manage it.  
Not just because of their vows. But because they loved each other. They always had, in a way. The way they loved each other had just changed.   
And they were stronger for it.   
They just needed to figure out how the changes affected them. They would figure it out eventually. 

And because death had parted them once, when Arthur freed Merlin from Agravaine's chains,  
Arthur would just have to ask Merlin to marry him again.


End file.
